Talking to Myself in Public

2012-01-02T22:17:00.002-06:00

Lord, save me from myself, and from smooth guys who know exactly what to say.

It's raining.

2011-09-16T19:43:00.001-05:00

Naturally, I'm listening to Paramore's "When It Rains". When it rains I feel as if the heavens are crying so I won't have to. Some days it washes me clean. Today I messed up big time at work, and cried and cried. I wish I'd died. These next few weeks will be hellish. I wish I didn't have to go back. Maybe...

I was planning on betting on the lottery, and was annoyed to hear the rain start, because the walk will be that much more unpleasant, but now that I think about it, it's been a long time since I've played in the rain.

I am alone.

2011-09-10T23:21:00.001-05:00

I moved here eleven nights ago, to this apartment I alone occupy. I miss laughter, and caresses, and thoughts other than my own. My upstairs neighbor stomps about at all hours, and causes my apartment to shake. I sleep fitfully, and am afraid I will have to move again. I checked with the leasing office people today, and there is another apartment available, of the exact same floorplan, and on the second floor. It shares walls with the model unit on one side, and the community housekeeper on the other. It has a fireplace, and overlooks a grassy park instead of a parking lot. I will be happier there, I think. I just don't want to go through the ordeal of another move.

I preoccupy myself with unpacking (because I wasn't sure I'd be able to transfer till today), my silly online contests and George R.R. Martin's Game of Thrones. The book is so much better than the series: the characters more complex, the vistas vast and imposing, the intrigues more compelling. Everything is bigger in the books: Winterfell, the Dothraki horde, direwolves.

Of the stories one follows in the course of the telling, I find that Danaerys has me in thrall. I hear music, exotic and romantic, when reading her part. Is that weird? Even though I've seen the entire first season and, therefore, have finished the story of this first book and know what to expect, I find myself hanging on every word - when it comes to Dany, anyway.

There are differences, of course, most of which I understand them having to do owing to the constraints of the TV medium. In all cases the book is better. The only deviations of the series that improved on the books were the casting of Tyrion Lannister and Arya. And maybe the Bravosi tutor.

Episode 9

2011-08-23T13:06:00.001-05:00

Boromir dies again?! WTH?!

2011-08-16T14:58:00.000-05:00

Continuing this episode today. Khal Drogo rushes to Danaerys after Robert's failed assassination attempt, and calls her the "moon of my life". !!! I am beside myself. Last night I was shopping the Alfred Angelo Disney Fairytale wedding collection. (sigh) I am torturing myself with hope of fairytale endings and darkly handsome princes. I need to stop.

2011-08-14T23:19:00.000-05:00

Watching Game of Thrones, s01, Ep 07, "You Win or You Die", in which the queen proclaims that she and Jaime are more than just brother and sister. UUUUUUUCKKKKKKK!!!!! *SO* messed up!!!

2011-08-14T14:09:00.000-05:00

It is a shameful thing, these thoughts one should not have, but come unbidden: I hope I don't wake up tomorrow.

It is easy to pretend, but I am still not well.

I know now the two things that would complete me, but they are so far off, they might as well be a lifetime, a world away. It is just too hard. And, ten years from now, having spent what little remains of my time, my energy, my lifeforce on a silly piece of paper - what of me then?

I am making my way through "Game of Thrones". The current episode: 6, if you must know, "A Golden Crown" has me crying...as Daenerys wins over the Dothraki people, as Bran finds he can explore the world still...

Of the violent, visceral series I've been delving in lately: Dexter, Game of Thrones, I find that while it's the stories of the leading men that might pull me in, it's the journeys of the extraordinary women that keep me. Game of Thrones has Daenerys and Arya, and I while I enjoy watching them grow, I fear for them, and hope they might carve a place for themselves in this cruel world.

Books and such

2011-08-02T00:23:00.002-05:00

I recently finished Tom Clancy's "The Teeth of the Tiger", followed by "Dead or Alive".

The first book's chapter on the mall attack made me cry, and the description of the twins' foodie tour of Europe gave me mad cravings.

The second book's telling of the Ranger raid of the cave, and the Rainbow Six hostage rescue at the embassy had my heart pounding. And the death of one of the major characters made me really, really sad.

~*~*~*

A few of my FaceBook friends are into "Game of Thrones" (TV) and "A Song of Fire and Ice" (book). I've decided to take in the HBO version first, as I am placed #53 on the hold list for the first book at the local library, and it'll be two weeks before I receive my online order of the four-book series.

I find the series to be super sexy, dark and deeply character-driven. I also love that doggie-style is all the rage in the Seven Kingdoms, lol.

A perfectly nice guy asked me for my number today

2011-07-31T01:07:00.000-05:00

and instead of being thrilled or pleased about it, I felt sad.

I'm not ready yet, I know.

People tell me that I am strong, though I don't feel it. I feel like a crazy person. I burst into tears and throw pity parties for one, have a good cry, and plan my next outing with a newfound friend. I am alternately hopeful and despairing, angry and indifferent, resentful and understanding.

I hope to look back on this time and say, "They were right. I held myself with dignity and quiet strength, and emerged a better person."

If I seem so happy, why do I feel so fragile and sad?

2011-07-07T21:50:00.003-05:00

I know it won't be anytime soon, but I hold on to the hope that someday I will feel whole again.

Status update

2011-06-27T00:19:00.001-05:00

"They make it look so easy, connecting with another human being. It’s like no one told them it’s the hardest thing in the world."
- Dexter Morgan

It's a hard thing, learning to be single. I've been an other half for so long I don't know how to think for myself, do things alone, define myself as an individual. I cook noodles and rice the way he likes them: well-done. It took months, but I've learned to sleep in the middle of the bed. As for work...I don't know. I was just earning a paycheck to help with household finances until we were ready to start a family. Now I'm completely lost.

Sometimes I wish I'd go to sleep and not wake up. Waking life is so messy and difficult and exhausting.

I'm like the 40-year-old Virgin: there are so many things I should have, should have done, and should know by now, but they've somehow all passed me by.

Once again I'm up past midnight trimming my split ends, when I have work in the morning and should be sleeping. And I tell myself these feelings will pass, and that things might be better in the morning.

2011-06-16T21:14:00.001-05:00

So done with younger men.

2011-05-30T23:36:00.000-05:00

I'm getting really tired of meeting interesting girls/women who exclaim "We should hang out sometime!" but don't mean it. I wonder if it's me, if maybe I need friends too much, and they smell it on me and when they've had time to think about it, decide they're better off without.

But, more likely, she's just another casually friendly person who doesn't mean what she says.

Foul-weather friend

2011-05-23T00:19:00.000-05:00

I'm a horrid sort of friend, I know. I hope you understand.

For the most part, I only show up here when I'm feeling down and need to unload. When I'm feeling cheery - which, to the world, appears to be most of the time - I don't blog.

I don't mean to burden you. In a way, It's the opposite. I download the icky, difficult, drag-me-down negativity I'm bored with or tired of or just too ashamed to expose elsewhere, so I can gain some semblance of normalcy, so I can get on with the rest of my life. I am glad this blog affords me that ability, and am at once grateful and embarrassed that you're reading it.

I can only hope that you have something similar in your life, and that somewhere in the muck of my aimless ramblings, a glimmer of truth or meaning shines through for you.

Watching the Prom Queen episode of "Glee":

2011-05-15T15:00:00.001-05:00

Waiting for Prince Charming is a poisonous idea, but it refuses to die because it's oh-so-romantic, and deep down every red-blooded girl wants to be a princess.
(sigh)

Could have done without the "Friday" cover.
I mean, it's far-and-away better than the original, but that's not saying much.

"Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton!"

Pages from my journal

2011-05-14T08:51:00.000-05:00

Last night we went to Dalrock because DJ was supposed to be there. I was tired and Patrick had arranged from time at the driving range after work, so after we got home I napped while he headed off the McKinney. Nic and co. arrived at Ferdie's house shortly before he did, so Jen and Nic hung out, as did Frankie and Izzy, and Junior and Jet, While Ferdie, Patrick and Chris practiced at the driving range.

Afterwards he came by for me and he headed to Dalrock. Nic and family were already there, making plans to watch the last show of Thor. DJ didn't get there till 10, with Auntie Nenette (?Jeanette) and brother in tow. She;'d just completed her nurse practitioner degree, and her brother's graduating in December. Her mom kept bugging me about not having kids yet, till we finally left, and I cried. No, they don't know.

~*~*~*

Things are bad again, I don't know why. For the second time, my emotions are welling up, as If it's all fresh again. I mourn my lost years, I see no future to look forward to, and building a new life for myself seems like oh so much work, it's all so exhausting, I just want to give up...I look to the black sleep, to the peaceful oblivion of death, and it seems the easier, more sensible alternative.

~*~*~*

They say the day after Friday the 13th is lucky. I hope so. I am so tired.

I've actually been pretty lucky the past week or two, though I can't feel too cheery about it these days. Got free passes and upgrades at the advanced screenings to Bridesmaids and Thor, and free tickets to Twist and Shout. Not to mention the Test Scanning project I've been on at work: tedious but all-around so much better than my usual week at work.

I met a pretty interesting lady at work the other day. I wish we'd met ten years ago, and I hope to be her in ten years' time. I lost her card, but when I have time I'll probably look her up on FaceBook.

Season 2, Episode 17: A Night of Neglect

2011-05-07T18:37:00.000-05:00

Emma - ”At what age are you allowed to look back on your life with nothing but regret? Is 32 too young?

:(

Limitless

2011-05-05T11:17:00.001-05:00

The best part of the movie was the theater. (Gold Class Cinemas in Fairview, but that's a story for another time. If I get to it at all.)

The next best thing was Bradley Cooper *finally* cleaned up and debonair, romancing a beautiful woman in Italian.

I think about you way too much.

2011-05-04T00:56:00.002-05:00

Far, far too often.

Though I think I'm getting better at pretending I don't.

Episode 19:

2011-04-24T04:02:00.000-05:00

Jesse reappears! Impossibly cute, and forgiving!

Rachel, tearfully: I thought you'd never come back.
Jesse, smiling: I miss all your drama.

hayyyyyy...

Becoming a Gleek

2011-04-22T22:52:00.000-05:00

Just watched the part of episode 19 where Finn sings "Jessie's Girl"...
(sigh)

I wish a (really great, really cute, talented, and overall awesome) guy would sing a song that pointedly to me.

Bloody. Fucking. Hell.

2011-04-21T22:04:00.000-05:00

My life is shit,
piled upon shit
with a hot steaming pile
- second helping - of
you guessed it

more shit.

Fuck.

2011-04-17T23:58:00.002-05:00

i wish my tears would form a river I could sail on through to the ocean, to a land far away from here...

On the eve of what would have been my tenth wedding anniversary,

2011-04-16T00:41:00.001-05:00

the ex went out and got drunk, whle I stayed home and got drunk. And dressed up as Wonder Woman. And recorded "Superwoman."

Couldn't find my tiara...

Things I try to remind myself

2011-04-13T15:26:00.000-05:00

Revisited "The King's Speech" to reinforce my own voice. I've cried so much today. There are things I know but don't always remember:

I have a voice.

Looking good and living well, are the best revenge. And the best prescription.

Too much time and energy are wasted on feeling sad and sorry for oneself. Life sucks. Deal with it.

There is still beauty in the world; life is what you make it.

Women in particular waste a good deal of time and energy on people who don't care about us, and who we don't care about. Life is too short to squander it on things that just don't matter.

Comparing oneself to others is pointless and demeaning.

Zumba!

2011-04-11T21:14:00.000-05:00

Just got back from my first-ever Zumba class, and my first-ever visit to Lifetime Fitness. I already love it. It's an awesome place - as impressive as the lifestyle gym in the Tim Allen movie "Joe Somebody". It has a happy, healthy atmosphere that seems more dedicated to a well-rounded life than the pursuit of a bodily ideal.

I'm batting two-for-two as far as workouts lifting my spirits. I should know this. I never look forward to going, but I definitely feel better afterwards.

I'd love to join up with Lifetime, but it's sooo expensive - almost five times the monthly fee at my previous gym, just for the basic individual payment.

Zumba was amazing and surprising: 667 calories, 6760 steps and though I got tired about fifteen minutes in, I was fine after half an hour.

Personal observation: people around me gave me extra space. On a dance floor, that can be a good or bad thing.

2011-04-11T10:26:00.000-05:00

I cried myself to sleep last night. Finally mustered up the courage to tell a friend that Patrick and I are divorced. She asked me what I want to do.

(I've been so overwhelmingly sad. I just realized Saturday would have been our tenth anniversary. So many restaurants have been sending cheery emails, congratulating us on the happy day, enjoining us to celebrate with them. I want to check into a motel somewhere and swallow a bullet.)

I told her I don't know.

I don't want to feel this way. I'm tired of being sad, and I know everyone's probably tired of and bored with it too. I want to be strong and resilient and bulletproof and above-it-all. I feel like such a failure.

I tell myself I just need to get through this week, and I will be alright.

I can't help but wonder:

2011-04-04T01:05:00.000-05:00

Am I surrounded by idiots, and understandably impatient with them

- or am i really just a bitch?

Dear Diary,

2011-04-02T22:27:00.001-05:00

If I were truly honest, I would say that I envy her.
I envy her not needing to work. I envy her still living with her parents and going to school full-time. I envy her future as a doctor being a foregone conclusion. I envy the misplaced confidence she has in her looks and desirability - why was I never so self-assured?

And then there are pangs when I see they way you laugh so easily with her, and I envy that too.

~*~*~*

Someone told me today that I am at my ideal weight, that I should stop losing and strive to maintain myself right where I am. It was a funny sort of compliment to get. I thanked the person, but choose to ignore the recommendation. I'm still six pounds heavier than my old fat weight.

~*~*~*

Today at work I had to pace myself, making sure to get all my breaks and lunches on time, or else I was certain I would kill a particular manager. Not a good sign. Apparently I need a vacation.

FaceBook Statuses today:

2011-04-01T19:32:00.000-05:00

Farah Lozano
So happy...

I was just thinking how weary I am of being sad and tired all the time, when I found an opportunity to donate to a cause I find worthwhile. I feel so good for doing so. I am renewed. =) Charity works!
19 minutes ago ·LikeUnlike · · View Feedback (1)Hide Feedback (1)

Trhn Arif likes this..

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~*~*~*

Farah Lozano
This is so awesome! If you have Sony Reawrds points you're not using, you can donate them to the American Red Cross, to help them provide aid to Japan! This is my contribution - click and donate today!
Product - Sony Rewards
www.sonyrewards.com
Donate your Sony Rewards Points. As a Sony Card member, you can help by donating your Sony Rewards Points to the American Red Cross in an effort to aid the people of Japan. Your gift will enable the Red Cross to provide shelter, food, emotional support and other assistance to victims across the Paci..
22 minutes ago ·LikeUnlike · · Share.Write a comment...Press Enter to post your comment.Press Shift+Enter to start a new line...
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~*~*~*

Farah Lozano
So apparently my cat ears and tail confused one too many people at work today...joke's on me, haha. Happy April Fools', everyone!

6 hours ago via Text Message ·LikeUnlike · .Write a comment...Press Enter to post your comment.Press Shift+Enter to start a new line...
.Remove PostFarah Lozano
Can't find my favorite pair of cat ears! So annoyed...

11 hours ago via Text Message ·LikeUnlike · · View Feedback (6)Hide Feedback (6).
Kristina SmartCookie likes this..
.Kristina SmartCookie THEY DID WHAT--- THOSE PARTY POOPERS! "DISLIKE"!!!
45 minutes ago · UnlikeLike · 1 personLoading....Farah Lozano Yes. Our store has gotten rather staid this past year.
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Having trouble coping tonight.

2011-03-28T00:00:00.003-05:00

A wave of sadness hit me, and I am helpless against it.

I think of girls who have it easy, and I envy them. Why couldn't I have been one of those "Daddy, buy me..." girls, who go on to being socialites and country club matrons with husbands who carry on the tradition of men to take care of them?

I'm whining, I know.

Princess locked in an ivory tower, with no Prince Charming coming to her rescue. I am doomed to remain locked away, as much prisoner as hideaway, afraid of the big bad world and all I am ill-equipped to face. I cannot do this, I think.

The things that I preoccupy myself, the chores and hobbies that fill my day: dust, all of it. None of it matters - all will come to nothing.

The void gapes open and I stand at its mouth, wind howling at me. I am so small, and so afraid. I have no weapons, no wings, no protections of any kind. I can wish, but it doesn't do any good. I wish for a winged rescue, for a golden knight, for a trip back in time: anything to transport me from here. Nothing comes. I am utterly alone.

Everything's relative.

2011-03-23T21:16:00.002-05:00

When I was 136 pounds, I felt fat, because I remembered being 124.

Now that I'm 139, I feel sexy, because only four months ago I weighed 154.

You are my best friend, and yet

2011-03-14T22:30:00.000-05:00

it seems that all i ever do these days is apologize for something stupid that I've done.

(i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry,
a million times, sorry)

It's probably best that I steer clear for now.
It's going to be one of the most difficult things ever.

I'll just...see you when I see you, I guess.

2011-03-13T22:35:00.002-05:00

I'm realizing I'm a sucker for guys who tell me I have a nice smile.

(blush)

2011-02-28T20:58:00.001-06:00

i am not going to miss being thirty minutes to three hours late to every. single. fucking. thing.

Words For It

2011-02-16T23:47:00.004-06:00

I wish I could take language

And fold it like cool, moist rags.

I would lay words on your forehead

I would wrap words on your wrists.

“There, there,” my words would say–

Or something better.

I would ask them to murmur,

“Hush” and “Shh, shhh, it’s all right.”

I would ask them to hold you all night.

I wish I could take language

And daub and soothe and cool

Where fever blisters and burns,

Where fever turns yourself against you.

I wish I could take language

And heal the words that were the wounds

You have no name for.

~ Julia Cameron (The Artist’s Way)

Anthem

2011-02-07T20:09:00.001-06:00

His most recent weekend visit to the girlfriend did not go well.

He returned contrite and full of regret, asking me to take him back. He knows my answer, but asks anyway, hoping it'll change. He's begun smoking again. He quit months ago, the week he broke the news. She doesn't mind the habit, and never asked him to quit.

The grandfatherly kiss to the forehead in greeting is now a more familiar peck to the cheek. I've been fighting a cold, and slept all day. He got me medicine and made soup.

I am stone. I know what he asks, but make no reply. I survived my weekend alone and am better and stronger for it. I am moving on.

Foundering...

2011-01-26T20:57:00.007-06:00

Stuck on the first half of Shakespeare's Sonnet 29.

"When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
..."
as for the rest of it, who knows when and if that might apply again?

I am a shadow of my former self,

2011-01-25T22:32:00.000-06:00

a brain-dead, graceless shell.

Funny, that I should come across this article today.

2011-01-21T20:01:00.002-06:00

http://www.npr.org/2011/01/21/132705579/the-fairy-tale-struggles-to-live-happily-ever-after

neophyte

2011-01-21T11:53:00.007-06:00

Last week I attended the Dallas Symphony's Russian Romance program. It was my first time at the symphony, and an incredible experience for me.

I grew up watching Disney movies, and particularly loved the musical ones: The Jungle Book, Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast. I also relished musical movies, animated or not: Annie, The Rescuers, The Wizard of Oz. As i grew older I found that artists who recorded the songs I loved most sang pop opera, classical crossover and Broadway: Charlotte Church, Josh Groban, Sarah Brightman.

I found myself exploring opera recordings. I love Maria Callas and Renee Fleming. I have yet to attend a live performance, but I've watched many DVDs.

And yet, through it all, the orchestra was always just, I'm embarrassed to say, background noise. Sure, I might tune in to the local classical radio station when the mood hits me. But classical music on film and radio had always been a complement, never center-stage. Until now.

That night I was awash in a sea of pure, unadulterated emotion, wave after wave crashing against me, breaking me apart, breaking me open to beauty and splendor. It's one thing to listen to a recording, and quite another to be in a concert hall with the artists performing right in front of you, in a room full of people hanging on to each note. Each breath, each handstroke a new note, an intricate tapestry weaving itself before you of thin air, magically teasing and transporting you.

I was completely lost, and it was utterly glorious. I could barely tell who was playing what and when: i couldn't see the flutes from my seat, and can barely identify instrument tones anyway. There was one part that was kind of a cello and harp duet, a conversation even, one i found beautiful and romantic.

I feel utterly ignorant, not knowing who or what i was listening to, or whether or not they were any good. I know that the conductor was Hans Graf from Houston, it was 25-year veteran Dallas concertmaster Emmanuel Borok's last performance, and Milwaukee's Frank Almond was guest concertmaster that evening, playing the Lipinski Stradivari. As first nights go, I think I was incredibly lucky.

I hope to further explore this strange new world, and educate myself to appreciate it more and more.

I need friends.

2011-01-05T12:25:00.001-06:00

I know I do.

But I feel like a fucking trainwreck. And so I leave stupid, vague status messages on FaceBook, and cry helplessly at the outpouring of concern, but as I try to respond I find I can't, not to the smiling faces looking out from holiday pictures with the loving hubby or smiling kids. I can't. I won't.

I will be okay, I tell myself. I will be okay.

2010-12-28T15:59:00.006-06:00

Hot headed today. Trying to rein it in, but I feel like Marvel's Medusa: red tendrils of rage flailing from my scalp and I want to throw things and smash things and whip everyone, everything in to shape: help me, or get out of my fucking wayyyyy!!!

Courthouse

2010-12-27T19:15:00.000-06:00

An imposing building, not the same one we were married in.

Metal detectors and scanners. A two-storey Christmas tree with ornaments the size of my head. A bronze statue called "The Line". A 1979 time capsule to be opened in 2029.

Ticket 218. Jennifer at Window 5. A much shorter Christmas tree, six feet maybe, missing a tree topper - the second such tree in as many days.

Sadness...

2010-12-26T23:39:00.001-06:00

i always fancied myself a forever girl.

The winter of my discontent

2010-12-22T04:23:00.015-06:00

Sleepy. I woke to the almost-full moon shining brightly on my face through the slats of my window blinds. It's been over a month now, which is hard to believe. Time flies. People tell me I've lost weight. They tell me I seem to be cheering up. I don't feel these things. I don't feel lighter, happier. I am...resurfacing, I hope. Still so muddled most days. Clumsy, distracted, unclear.

It seems appropriate somehow that this happened in the winter. I am cold, almost dead. But there is hope of renewal in the spring. And already, despite it all, there are signs of life.

2010-12-19T23:43:00.001-06:00

Were it possible, I'd unwish the last 15 years.

Doubt.

2010-12-05T21:35:00.000-06:00

I find myself questioning whether what I've clung to as a quiet strength is really just laying down as a doormat and letting him walk all over me. How did things get so confused? I feel used and angry and spent. I tell myself that this is just another phase that will pass, that I must ride it through.

We don't always know what's good for us. And even when we suspect we do, we don;t always choose it.

2010-12-05T21:20:00.002-06:00

I don't know where we're going from here. I'm scared too. Afraid that I'm making a big mistake. Afraid of what it'll mean if I voice that fear. I mean, there's a reason he asked for an open marriage, right> There are things he needs to sort out. And it's in our best interests to allow him to do so.

And I have had my life on hold for far too long. Honestly, I have secretly resented it. It might feel like a huge leap backwards, but I would like to believe that this is what it will take to move forward.

I am riddles with doubt, And I grieve for my marriage. I'm not the best housewife, but I *loved* being wifey. I need to be needed, to support and encourage and care for someone.

It's all gone, then. The happy house in my mind I thought we were building is gutted and vacant, wiring exposed, walls half-built: the nursery, his gaming den, my recording studio...dust, all of it. Pack away the white picket fence, the preternaturally green lawn, the cheery decor. Shut it down, bar the doors, send in the bankers with their calculating eyes and cold, hard pencils, scribbling busily away. Let them take it all away.

My heart is broken. But I want to believe. I want to believe in love, and hope. And beauty in the world.

Things were so hard when we were starting out. We had so many regrets. I wish... If only... Why couldn't...? My answer was always the same: because that's what it took for us to be together, that's what it took to find you, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

And now...I just don't know.

Sometimes it hits me:

2010-11-21T11:45:00.004-06:00

I am getting divorced.

2010-11-21T11:12:00.002-06:00

Life cruelly, indifferently, goes on.

And sometimes that's just the sort of distraction you need. Welcome it.

Not mine anymore

2010-11-16T11:17:00.000-06:00

There's a pale band on my finger
Where your ring used to be
There's a hollow space where my heart was
Wind whistles right through

I hate you
I love you
Every five minutes I break down
Though you're killing me right now you're still
The one who knows me best in this world.

Take these tears
Take this pain
I don't need it
I don't need you
I just want you
But what good is wanting what you can't have?

I've never been broken up with before, but "It's not you, it's me." seems to be the standard line anywhere.

2010-11-15T18:16:00.009-06:00

I can't help it, though. I guess everyone feels a need to a find a thread of fault somewhere. Maybe if I hadn't let myself go, maybe if i'd changed my name...

He wants an easy transition. He's actually asking for an open marriage in the interim, while "we" sort things out. Friends and roommates, who are free to date other people. It seems selfish and cruel to me, to put us both through all this and then keep everything exactly the same. We have no kids, no house or other property to fight over. A divorce makes the most sense, doesn't it? Why in this convoluted mess do *I* have to ask *him* for that?

Although it seemed sudden to me, he argues that it's actually the culmination of a number of issues for him, mainly that he never wanted to get married in the first place. There are a lot of things I wondered about in my marriage that I just shrugged off: why he never pressed me to change my last name to his. Why after ten years I still call his parents Tita Lyd and Tito Ramon, as if they're just another classmate's parents. Why he never introduced me to any of his coworkers, or his friends from his car forum.

When we got married we were in love, but there was some pressure for us to marry because he had been brought here by his parents and overstayed his tourist visa by a few years. I think that relief was the main thing that the union brought for him. Relief from the parental worry, from fear of deportation, from uncertainty about his being here. I cam here of course expecting what every new bride does: fall in love, get married, have kids. The kids part surprised him. Wasn't it enough just to finally be together?

It became such a sticking point in our relationship that eventually I had to settle for, "We'll talk about it in a few years." We both hoped he'd warm to the idea, especially as his friends and siblings began families of their own. As time passed I grew hopeful. He is such a good uncle to his nieces. We began talking about baby names.

And then Friday night happened. And nothing's been the same since.

I find my emotions run high this week.

2010-11-14T08:35:00.001-06:00

Understatement, I know.

Feelings pass, like clouds in the sky. I am trying not to do anything I might regret.

I am hoping some semblance of us survives this. We are both hoping to emerge friends. When I am not hateful or breaking down in tears, we are still the person who knows the other best in the world.

He says this is the most painful thing he's ever had to do, that if he'd had a gun he would have just ended it. I told him he doesn't get off that easy. He's doing this to us, and he had better do something with it, he'd better see it through.

He says we both know who the bigger person is here.

None of it helps, tho, y'know? 32 years old and all alone, and no matter how many guys tell you that you're the best thing that ever happened to them, it doesn't change a goddamn thing.

2010-11-13T22:33:00.001-06:00

You can't undo what's been broken. You can only pick up the pieces, and move on.

Last night, he ended it.

2010-11-13T06:19:00.013-06:00

Just like that.

April 16th next year we would have been our ten year anniversary. We never made it.

The simplest explanation is that he's found someone else. He's dumping me for a blonde, 20-year-old model, who's witty and into cars. They're not talking forever - yet. But he does want to see where this leads, and to explore the...single life, I guess. The life he might otherwise have had these past ten years.

I am so stupid. It makes sense now that he never wore his wedding ring, he never introduced me as his wife. I never met any of his coworkers or the people he knows from his car forum. Ten years. Ten FUCKING years.

I"m so lost. It's been amicable, and I have been reasonable and curiously still - when I am not bursting into tears, which I have been sporadically since 8 o'clock last night. Though I know all the answers, because we've talked and talked about this, the same questions rail in my head, "Why don't you love me anymore? What did I do wrong? Why are you doing this? What are you doing to us?!"

Can't seem to get my head on straight. Changed my FaceBook profile pic to one of us, in the sunlight, holding drinks. Though it makes me cry to look at it, I want to see it up there. I want to be reminded that we had *something*. We have so few pictures, so few...

I want to chop my hair off and paint myself a mask, a cruel mask that is tough enough to take this, because I can't, I can't...

Someday, i hope

2010-11-12T23:14:00.002-06:00

he will look back and think,

"Dammit, I had that!"

On growing up.

2010-11-05T04:29:00.000-05:00

While the goal for me is to be old when I am young and young when I am old, in practice I am merely erratic and vacillate between the two. Much of the problem I feel lies in a failure to reconcile with myself, to understand that to get where I am now I had to leave things behind. Also too, the lesson of how choices exclude others is something I have not truly taken to heart.

The first lesson is this:

2010-10-25T20:20:00.000-05:00

Life is hard.

Once you master that, though life may not be easier, it can be taken from a healthier perspective from which true, grounded happiness is a possibility.

About that other post...

2010-10-22T20:36:00.000-05:00

If the question is, what am I doing, the answer is, I really don't know.

You know how sometimes a song wriggles its way into your head and plays over and over, overriding everything else and driving you completely insane? Well, snippets of prose get to me that same way sometimes. I think it's because I've gone too long without writing. It's very weird, tho. This one's like a clip from a Harlequin romance; takes all sorts, I suppose.

I should blog more. If only so it doesn't build up into, well, that.

~*~*~*

I'm sorry I've been away for so long. Not much to report. Still at the same workplace. I've taken on a new position, which entails a crappy, irregular schedule for $2 more an hour. I have a YouTube channel now, which I try to update at least once a week with homemade vocal recordings. At 152 lbs I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life, but I can't seem to stop eating. Got a bodybugg, and learned I burn between 2,000 and 3,00 calories a day, so I'm happy about that.

Cocoa's fine, the cat is fine, the apartment's still a mess. Patrick's fine. Still don't have a car or a driver's license. We stopped taking piano lessons, and so my lovely PX-120 has fallen silent.

Resolutions:
Cook more, write more, clean up around the house. Oh, and buy new shoes. It's been a while. Ventured out to DSW a few times, but have yet to fall in love with anything. And it's hard to wear heels all day in a retail job with all this extra weight.

snippet

2010-10-22T20:24:00.000-05:00

She is mesmerized by his hands, by his long fingers. They flick and wave as he speaks, and she is enthralled. She imagines his hands sliding gently along the curves of her body, sees those fingers tangled in her hair, pulling urgently, insistently, until she screams...

"What do you think?" he asks.

I'm sorry, what?

Cornbread for one.

2010-10-10T16:05:00.000-05:00

I hardly ever cook these days, but when I do, it's for a crowd. Preparing instant meals doesn't count.

I've been meaning to do a big chili thing for while, which means a lot of chopping, and stirring every fifteen minutes, and chopped onions and shredded cheese on the side, as well as Fritos for frito pie, and cornbread to complement it. As you can imagine, it's quite a production. Of *course* I've been putting it off.

After lunch today, I suddenly felt like having cornbread. I already have all the ingredients, but I didn't want to launch into the chili-making process. And so I made just one recipe. Just one! It feels so strange: selfish and indulgent and totally new.

Since it's such a small batch, I figured I might as well make it really easy and individual by using cupcake liners. Cornbread muffins! In pretty pastel liners! It's actually an awesome delivery system for them, as I can simply heat one, break it in half and smear on the butter. Good times.

Daria, Daria, Daria

2010-10-08T20:19:00.000-05:00

AUGHH!!!

I'm funny this way: I'm mainstream, at one remove. I listen to pop music, but usually through covers by my favorite YouTube artists, and if enough of them cover it I'll look up the original. I also don't watch broadcast television, but will happen upon an old TV show and slog through all seasons if it piques my interest.

One such show is MTV's Daria (1997-2002), who I guess would be the smartest, dryly funny 5-year-old ever to grace the boob tube. It's a funny thing about TV series: follow a show long enough and see the characters through enough ups and downs, and you feel like they're you're friends.

I just finished watching Episode 52: "Fire!" and it's wrenching at my heart. Daria's best friend in the world is Jane, and her new (and first-ever?) boyfriend is the smart and handsome Tom. She thinks the world of him, and they get along great, but don't match up intellectually.

Jane and Tom have been going steady for a while now, and in the beginning Daria resented Tom for infringing on her time with Jane (Episode 41: Partner's Complaint). She gradually warmed up to him, most notably in Episode 46: I Loathe a Parade.

Currently (from my perspective, anyway) the two are civil, but it appears that Tom is looking an intellectual wavelength, and clearly he and Daria resonate (sorry if I'm beginning to ride the metaphor, but it plays well). Of all people, Daria's mostly-oblivious crush Trent points out to Daria that Tom seems to be into her.

I feel for them all:
Jane, who is beginning to realize she and Tom may not be the best fit, but cannot give up on the relationship.
Tom, who has a great girl but appreciates the connection he has with Daria.
Daria, afraid to hurt her friend, or lose the budding friendship. Also a little hurt to sort of be "given away" by Trent.
Trent, who may or may not have feelings for Daria under the casual cool musician vibe, having to advise Daria to pay attention when it might be in his interest for her not to.

God, I love this show. And yes, I know, I'm *such* a girl.

I don't pray, but if I did

2010-09-02T21:59:00.001-05:00

I might ask to feel a little more than
less-than
to be a little closer to
whole.

2010-09-02T21:54:00.000-05:00

He doesn't like to see me like this. He wants to hear that I am in actual pain, that there is something organic and tangible we can treat, we can medicate.

The Pit, the Abyss, the Void has found me again.

I've done too well for too long. It's only right.

These feelings too, will pass.

They well up inside me, waves crashing on the jagged rocks of my self-esteem.

Worthlessnes: crash.

Despair: crash.

Self-loathing: crash.

Or something like that. I don't know if I'm making sense.

People are sheep and the Void is inevitable but they bleat on blindly as if the world makes sense, as if it's anything but cruel and meaningless but we who are different, who are damaged and broken and slightly off know better.

YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY, it tells me.

YOU WILL NEVER FIT IN.

YOU WILL NEVER BE FREE OF ME.

Shut

the fuck

up.

Badly wanting what I can't have.

2010-08-03T22:56:00.000-05:00

I need shoes, but none of these are available in my size and preferred color. (sigh) Not to mention I wish they were all just $50 each...

Bebe Liza in Leopard Patent

Bebe Scarlett Printed Scarf Sandal

Charles David Encounter in Red

Jessica Simpson Taneala in Chili or Zebra

I don't meant to lean on you as much as I do,

2010-07-09T09:12:00.001-05:00

but it seems that whenever I need a friend
you're always there.

Thank you.
A million times, thank you.

2010-07-03T02:36:00.002-05:00

Thank you, so much. Just for being there for me. It was a really crappy day, and you made it so much better.

shields up

2010-06-18T22:39:00.004-05:00

It's been days now, and still I'm so tight, especially at my temples, jaw and shoulder blades. So forgive me if you find me with my brow furrowed, jaw clenched, shoulders tense: I'm not bracing for a fight, my body just thinks it is. It takes conscious effort to reset myself. Luz too says she is hurt, and healing.

I don't want to be stressed. I don't want to be sad or angry or anything other than what I was right before that meeting that morning. But it seems that until I find some kind of closure, I will remain on the defensive. I wish I knew what to do, what to look or ask for.

I have laughed and cried and cussed and slept since then,

2010-06-17T23:40:00.002-05:00

I tell myself it's okay.
Obviously it's not.

In quiet moments I find I am riddled with self-doubt, like so much emotional Swiss cheese. I stepped out into the warm air tonight and saw an airplane's lights twinkling above the crescent moon.

~"can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars/
I could really use a wish right now"~

funk

2010-06-07T07:57:00.002-05:00

I awoke enraged, and pray to the universe
in my way
for succor:
"Quiet,
please -
for this raging mind."

Anger is exhausting.
Especially the senseless kind.

The continuing adventures of Farah in SmartPhoneLand

2010-05-30T17:47:00.003-05:00

Two weeks ago, Patrick asked if I'd gotten the text he'd sent me around noon. "No," I replied. We compared phones. He'd sent it, but it never arrived.

The following day I picked up a phone call, which apparently had been the caller's third consecutive attempt to reach me. As far as my phone was concerned, it was the first.

Since then I've been using the hubby's old RAZR V3 while waiting for my phone plan to end. Patrick's had an HTC HD2 for a couple of months now, and I've had smartphone envy for about as long.

Yesterday I was excited because we got me a Samsung Behold II. I didn't have any requirements at the time, though Patrick tried to help me narrow things down, enumerating factors that had helped him decide: screen resolution, size, build quality, etc. I just wanted a smartphone, and I wanted an Android so I could have the newfangled Swype texting capability. I'm sure you've seen the commercials - the one about the world's fastest text message?

Anyway, someone had messed with two of the demo phones at the T-Mobile store, and they were busy, so we just bought the Behold and left. When I got home tried texting. It was such a mess. I'd gotten used to T9, and wasn't ready for a QWERTY touchscreen. Even the T9 keypad was difficult for me, since I'm used to larger, tangible keys. Also, I'm not used to typing with two thumbs. I tried one-finger typing since that's easiest for me, but the calibration seems to be adjusted for two thumbs: keys on the left side of the screen register taps slightly to the right. There doesn't seem to be a way to calibrate it. Or i could be wrong and the phone just needs to be calibrated, but I've already tried resetting the phone and it hasn't helped.

And the Swype feature I wanted? Not available on my phone. Apparently, it's limited to just the newer models of three phones: the HTC HD2, myTouch 3G, and the Motorola Cliq.

We revisited the T-Mobile store again today hoping to exchange it for a myTouch 3G, but after learning that the myTouch 3G Slide is coming out on Wednesday I reluctantly agreed to wait till then. The Slide features, among other things:

the new Android 2.1 software;

Faves Gallery, which is kind of like the social feature of the Cliq, but narrowed down to only all the (email, text, twitter, IM, social networking) updates of your 20 nearest and dearest;

Genius button which allows you to talk to your phone and for it to talk back. I'm not kidding! We're talking commands, calls, texts, emails, even web searches.

Bruce Wayne's house

2010-05-29T21:39:00.003-05:00

There's a huge house we always pass by on the way to visit friends. Not knowing the owners, we call it Bruce Wayne's house. From my vantage point along Independence the house seemed merely big, until one day I realized the little, distant cars parked there were actually SUVs, and the house itself is humongous. It's also for sale right now.

Patrick and I made a deal: if we win the Powerball jackpot, we're buying this house. I guessed it was maybe $1M to 2M, he pegged it at $5M. We were both wrong: it's $3,500,000 even.

It's really not my style - I've always favored Mediterranean houses with modern sensibilities. I like open floor plans, light-colored stucco and red tiled roofs. I don't really care for their darker, Tuscan country-style cousins.

I can still appreciate the owners' homey touches: it's clear throughout that their home reflects their style: warm, down-to-earth, and welcoming. It's not the overstaged design showcase that most homes in this price range tend to be. A family lives here, and from the look of it, quite comfortably indeed.

Feel free to buy it for me: it's a lovely place. I could probably get used to

"...a tennis court, 3 sports fields, a barn, a pool and a gazebo. The property has a privacy gate, circular drive, porte-cochere and separate study with a full bath connected to the garages. The home has 5 Liv. areas, granite counters, sub-zero, hand scraped hardwoods and many built-ins. Feels like living in the country!"

Okay, the barn, not so much. Ebby link below.

11900 Independence Parkway
Frisco, TX
75035

Orion

2010-05-27T20:26:00.002-05:00

On nights when the sky is clear, and the stars bright
and Orion's belt clearly visible
-the one constellation I know, the one you taught me that night
under so many stars, long ago -

I think of you
and hope, wherever you are
you are happy.

Talking to Myself in Private

2010-05-26T14:29:00.006-05:00

Have you ever been so bored you were not only talking to yourself, but psychoanalyzing both sides of you holding the conversation? The predicament I find myself in this week reminds me of the scene in "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" where Jack Sparrow is alone with an entire crew of himself (himselves? his selves?), none of whom would listen to Captain Jack.

I'm a little bit of a bitchy boss, and an unenthusiastic underling. Work is getting done regardless, I just wish it weren't so booooring.

The goal is to get my apartment from "OHMYGODWASTHEREANEARTHQUAKE?!" to merely "I'm so sorry I didn't call ahead; clearly you weren't expecting company."

My kitchen. Before:

And after: I have counters?!

if i were truly honest, i would say that

2010-03-26T21:49:00.003-05:00

i've been in hell these past two weeks

i am alone, unutterably alone, and faltering

denying my secret sorrow does not bring some obscure personal honor - it's killing me.

I still don't know if the temporary patch that relieves some of it is actually making things worse. Or is it harmless distraction? I dunno. I only know that something *must* change: things cannot go on like this.

I only wish I knew the right thing to do.

In a nutshell,

2010-02-21T11:04:00.002-06:00

Cocoa hasn't been feeling well this past week. We had planned on bringing her to the vet Monday afternoon after work. But at 3 o'clock this morning she vomited blood, and we brought her to the emergency animal hospital.

Tests and x-rays revealed a life-threatening infection. If she went home, she would die. They had to operate. $2000 and several hours later she is stable, but they need to keep her for observation. They close at 8 a.m. tomorrow, so we need to transfer her to our regular vet in the morning.

Red shoe craves:

2010-02-07T23:53:00.004-06:00

Bebe Liza Platform pump

$149 at bebe.com

Jessica Simpson Taneala

$89.99 at heels.com

Bebe Bailey

$119 at bebe.com

2010-02-07T23:47:00.002-06:00

I have a new blog!

Will Sing For Shoes

my windfall philosophy

2010-01-19T20:30:00.002-06:00

I always tell Patrick:

If we win the lottery we have two choices:
live rich, and have to work the rest of our lives or

quit our jobs, live normal, comfortable lives and
never have to work.

how come no one ever told me

2009-11-14T08:58:00.001-06:00

that manugang means daughter- or son-in-law?

I've been using it to refer to my in-laws forever!

the correct word is biyenan.

Syet.

2009-08-11T23:33:00.001-05:00

foundering again. Just one of those days, I guess. I need sleep. And a compass.

How to Not Cook

2009-04-26T12:13:00.001-05:00

I've been having some powerful food cravings lately, which I think are the result of months of subsisting on ready-made food. But since said subsistence also ingrains a powerful need to make do with as little effort as possible, I've found ways to feed my cravings without actually cooking. Here are the results:

Elote

1 can Green Giant Mexicorn, or simply canned corn
fat-free cottage cheese
mayonnaise
ground cayenne pepper
salt
pepper

When I want Mexican-style street corn I drain a can of Mexicorn and add in the remaining ingredients listed above, to taste.

~*~*~*

Gooey Bites

1 Snickers bar
nutella spread

Cut a Snickers bar into four. Coat each piece with nutella spread. Die a sticky, chocolatey death.

~*~*~*

Fake Japanese

cooked rice
1 can tuna, drained
wasabi paste
lite soy sauce

Patrick actually came up with this. You heat the rice then mix in the tuna. In a separate bowl combine wasabi paste and soy sauce to taste. Add to tuna-rice mixture.

I know, I'm semi-homemade- and ghetto-fabulous.

Happy New Year!

2009-02-08T16:30:00.003-06:00

I know, I'm late. Even for Chinese New Year.

Been mulling over firing up this old thing again. Also considering dusting off my Tagalog and creating another mirror blog, in the mother tongue this time, with help from Google Translate. They simplify my process, I turn in my edits to improve their translation database, and everyone wins.

I'm 30 now. And I Twitter now. Other than that, nothing new to report, really.

~*~*~*

Would it be tacky to wear these shoes for July 4th? I wanted them for Obama's Inauguration, but thought of it too late.

Pleaser Electra

$53.97 at Summit Fashions, from $90.99

The search for red tartan plaid heels

2008-11-29T09:14:00.002-06:00

On Black Friday I glimpsed pointy shoes and bright red plaid, but before I could inquire as to their provenance they vanished in the throng of deal-hungry shoppers. I'm not sure, but they might have been these:

Sugar Fergie Flat
$25.30(53% off - was $54.00) at 6pm.com

And so it is that in the spirit of the Christmas season I find myself looking for red tartan plaid high-heeled shoes that speak to me.

These are my ideal plaid shoe, but I can't find them anywhere:

Sam Edelman Lady Red Plaid Pump with Bow
$34.98 before it was out of stock at SmartBargains.com

~*~*~*

And so I'm stuck with fetish footwear like:

Pleaser red plaid mary jane
$34.99 from $50.74
You Save: $15.75 (31%)
From seller Costume Alibi via Amazon.com

or, God forbid, these numbers

Lucious red plaid and lucite 6" sandals
$53 from $82.15 (35% off)
Pinupshoes.com

~*~*~*

Even though the rugged materials are an incongruous combination with that height of heel, I do rather like the look of these:

KORS MICHAEL KORS Women's Stream
$295.00 With Free Shipping
Shoes.com

I wonder then if I shouldn't throw all regard for style to the winds and get these:

Sugar Women's Rockband Grande
$90.00 With Free Shipping
Shoes.com

living as if

2008-11-16T13:00:00.001-06:00

Wasn't that my blog title at one point?

~*~*~*

"The thing is to Live As If. Live As If you were truly free. Live As If you were surrounded by intelligent, capable people. Live As If your decisions mattered in the general scheme of things. Live As If art, literature, music, the cinema really mattered. Live As If other people were just like you. I don’t mean you should tiptoe through the tulips and delude yourself that everything is wonderful. I mean you must resist. I mean you must not let idiots dictate how you live your life. Stupidity is a given; do not hold yourself back because you think you’re surrounded by it. Do not give in to the tyranny of surveys, trends, and conventional wisdom. You are the product of millions of years of evolution. Organisms mutated, survived, adapted over eons, against huge odds, so that you can be what you are now. Honor your species."

Jessica Zafra
Jessica Rules the Universe

2008-10-01T19:46:00.000-05:00

The new guy

2008-09-19T18:09:00.000-05:00

I hired a new personal trainer. His name is Tim, and my confidence in him was bolstered throughout our first session by the number of his coworkers who told me how great he is, how lucky I am to be working with him, and that I'll reach my fitness goals in no time. I've already lost two pounds and one inch of my waistline, and it's only been a week.

My lifestyle changes include:

a tall glass of water first thing in the morning;
a breakfast of old-fashioned oatmeal sweetened with a half-serving of dried berries (blueberries, cranberries or raisins);
a half a peanut butter sandwich with my morning coffee, instead of the usual Texas-size muffin, frosted cinnamon roll or Hostess cupcakes;
low-sodium v8 and a reduced-fat cheese stick for my second snack;
improved posture, to work my abs and back throughout the day;
Watching portion sizes;

I'm supposed to be avoiding carbs after 6 pm, but as long as I see progress I think I'll continue eating a normal dinner.

Have I mentioned how much I love Netflix?

2008-08-23T01:57:00.002-05:00

I got this in my Inbox today:

Dear Farah,

It appears that you accidently returned one of your personal DVDs or CDs in a Netflix envelope. Rest assured, we will send your disc right back to you.
If you haven't already sent back the Netflix movie you intended to return, please include it with your next return along with a note including your name and email address so we can match the movie to your account.

-The Netflix Team

I am mortified. Yes, these things do happen. But still.

It never ceases to amaze me that the Netflix service is so prompt, courteous and professional. In the four years that I've been a subscriber, I've found them to be hands-down the best DVD source anywhere: great selection, user-friendly interface, convenience.

Yes, I'm a heavy user whose usage is throttled, and some titles it seems have been on my queue forever. True too that if you don't time your returns just right you'll have to wait a while to get the new releases. But my experiences with the company when it comes to disc problems (delays, damages, missing discs, or my newest one above) have only reinforced my positive opinion of them.

500

2008-08-20T05:00:00.002-05:00

So I write. Much as I would like to write beautiful, longhand poetry, my penmanship is so far from legible these days that all my morning pages are simply a waste of time and ink. I cannot reread them.

I should have ordered a burrito. I went crazy with the ordering at Aló yesterday, with Patrick not being there, and completely forgot that Hazel's friend Eric had mentioned wanting a burrito. I write. I hope he had fun; he seems like a cool guy.

At 22, they feel old, not having accomplished all they set out to do. Additionally, they feel it's too soon to even think about getting married or having kids; they want to have accomplished careers first.

And all Patrick and I can do is feel sad and frustrated about our own station: not having careers or kids or even just jobs we really really enjoy and find meaningful.

2008-07-31T19:21:00.002-05:00

Today was a bad day in meltdown city.

I asked so many people for help, and no one could or wanted to. And even when I no longer expected assistance, apparently asking that people just stay out of my way is too much to ask.

"You look so tired, haha."

2008-07-30T18:47:00.003-05:00

Surprisingly, today was a good workout day. I left the gym refreshed and invigorated, a post-workout feeling I haven't felt in a while. It was my first day back in a week and a half. Since then I've helped out at another store; looked up a friend's concert vid on Youtube; made a Chicagoan(?)-approved Italian beef sandwich, for the first time ever; seen "The Dark Knight"; been offered a travel/service job at $19-an-hour; and been hit on by a strange customer who, upon learning I'm married, replied "Well then, I won't waste any more of your time." and spent the next half-hour helping the brunette Nabisco vendor stock cookies.

Krispy Kreme is making grass flip-flops. I don't know why. I think dSquared's lightning-bolt stilettos are wicked sexy. I'm about the infuse some red into my hair, with the help of L'Oreal Color Pulse in, um, Red Pulse.

Shoe links snagged from Shoewawa.

sunday morning.

2008-07-06T10:18:00.003-05:00

Patrick and I are taking a Japanese class. Bukambibig ko 'to lately, probably because we're having so much fun. Instead of learning it all in romaji, we are studying vocabulary as well as the Japanese writing system. It feels odd, having to learn to speak and read and write all over again.

After each class I find myself craving a cheeseburger and fries. Something about the way Japanese rolls off the tongue, I guess. I'm not alone anyway: McDonald's is huge in Japan.

Some tree with dusky pink flowers is in bloom right now, and the heady sticky-sweet fragrance hangs in the air as Cocoa and I walk about the apartment complex. A turkey-size grey tabby stalked us.

We might do brunch today at either the Original Pancake House or The Purple Cow, and afterwards I'd like to check out GameWyze.

Post-independence day summation

2008-07-05T15:27:00.003-05:00

The other party paid the $1100 in repairs. I made picadillo this week, for the first time in at least a year. We didn't do anything for July 4th besides bathe Cocoa. I want shoes. And a Blackberry Pearl and red hair and maybe green eyes, but only if they're a watery emerald green. But back to the shoes:

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Fendi satin bow-front pumps
$655 at Neiman Marcus

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Jimmy Choo Metallic T-Strap Heel
$595 at Bergdorf's

Wicked. Fierce.

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Ralph Lauren Collection Satin Slides
$198.03 from $425 at Saks

THE MERCEDES WAS HIT AGAIN !)(@##$%)(*$

2008-06-24T19:30:00.002-05:00

WTF.

Some Indian lady let go of her shopping cart as Patrick was parking in the lot of my Wal-Mart. According to her, it's not her fault, it's ours for being parked there, and the cart's for rolling two slots down.

The Mercedes was hit. Yet again.

2008-06-16T15:32:00.004-05:00

Somebody hit the front passenger side corner while the car was parked outside Patrick's office.

What are the odds of that happening? Three accidents, two of which while the car was parked. Alanis' "Ironic" comes to mind, however questionable the title. There's just no song that I know of that goes "Get nice things/ People shit all over them/ That just sucks".

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My younger sister-in-law seems to have caught whatever it was that I had. We celebrated Dean's birthday at our usual Chinese buffet this past Friday, and said SIL came up to her hubby and said "Hi, handsome", to which he replied coldly "I'm married." She was so hoarse he didn't recognize her voice, and thought that another guy was hitting on him.

I've been sick since Thursday night.

2008-06-02T19:10:00.002-05:00

I called in on Friday morning with a bad case of sore throat, and again today. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I don't know if I'm up to it. I've pretty much done nothing but sleep, blow my nose, and take various sore throat remedies (lozenges, tea, lemonade) these past four days. I got up at 6:30, took a shower and got the mail, and I'm already anxious to climb back into bed.

2008-05-05T21:41:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I find myself crying over stupid things, and (half-hoping) wonder if I might be pregnant. I never am. Maybe i'm just imbalanced. It's one of those days again. Nothng particularly earthshaking today, and yet here I am again in the pit where hope never shines, where things will never get better and nothing is ever gonna change and if I weren't so afraid of pain or making a mistake, if all I had to do was agree and get it over with, then I would simply say "Yes".

It's not all that bad, I know. But at times like these i KNOW: it's never gonna get much better.

I wonder why living is so difficult for me. Maybe I'm not meant to. Maybe because as a writer, like it or not, whether or not I do any actual writing, I end up living it all twice or thrice or multiples thereof. Maybe I need religion. Or someone who actually needs me, instead of the adults in my life for whom I might be useful or helpful or amusing but never a life-maker or -saver. Maybe a job that makes a difference. I don't know.

I liked Steve Martin's description of Mirabelle in his novella "Shopgirl", though I cannot remember his exact words...something about selling things no one buys anymore. It reminds me that I'd like a fairytale wedding with opera-length gloves and a Cinderella ballroom gown. And then I begin to think about how Patrick wants a sunset wedding, barefoot at the beach, and I begin to wonder how well we really know each other, if we're suited at all.

I got slapped with "Farah, you need to do some crunches or situps or something." at work today. Not as part of casual banter or even bored conversation. Just a slap-and-run, no hi-hello-how-are-you.

The Body Electric

2008-05-03T10:49:00.003-05:00

I was born of the energies that swim this universe, deciding one day that a whirl as a glob of cells, fluids and hormones might provide insight. I arrived at this place a screaming, squirming organism, and promptly forgot my mission.

I am relearning and reconciling myself with what I was. I am a watcher, and observer, I know. Yet I forget I no longer possess infinity -- not right now, anyway. Time has essence, in this place. It is no easy balancing act, living and observing, with this biological clock ticking away at this hot mess of glands and organs, neurochemicals and enzymes, social interactions and emotional responses.

I pass this way but once. I must. not. forget. I am not merely serving time here; reunion will be at the end of a fruitful, meaningful life. I am meant to live. I must not forget.

Metallica fan?

2008-04-27T22:45:00.002-05:00

Check out the Bonnaroo Music + Arts Festical gydget I've just added. Include it on your own page and you just might win VIP tickets!