The more things change

Amazing. Four years later and I haven't learned a goddamn thing. Funny that I should have you back for a moment, only to lose you again.  Or, it would be funny, if it weren't so sad.

It seems that all I ever do is pine over guys. I should be writing songs, and making a gazillion bucks like Taylor Swift or Adele.

~*~*~*

Two weeks in April and here I am still wishing you would magically appear at my doorstep. I've made some changes since then: attempted rock climbing and hiking, and gotten a better-paying job. A little better fit for you, but not much. I bet you never even gave me a second thought afterwards.

You are earth to me: strong, stable, grounded. I didn't realize I needed that. And you aren't coming back. I wish I understood you better.

I know it's stupid and pathetic, but I miss you, Derrick. I miss you a lot, and I know I shouldn't anymore.

I'm tired of crying over guys who don't deserve my tears.

Just when you think you've finally got your head on straight and he's safely in the friend zone:

He texts you, you text back with a question in five minutes, and...nothing. For hours. Until you finally call, let it ring three times, and hang up. And decide you're gonna leave it the fuck alone. And then text him asking if he's messing with you.

Stupid, stupid, STUPID!

I hate that you still have a hold on me. I know better.

:(
:(
:(

It's not about insecurity. It's almost a hipster thing. If you can be distracted by another girl, she can have you. I've been around beautiful girls all my life, girls beautiful enough for it to be a thing all its own, Beauty with a capital B. I will not compete with that. I am old enough and seasoned enough to know who I am, and what I am worth. If a pretty face makes you falter, you don't deserve this. And Lord knows I don't deserve to go through that again.

How many times can you secretly say "i miss you" without doing anything stupid,

just repeatedly saying it, hopefully, until it loses its power and goes away?

I miss you, steve. I miss you, i miss you, i miss you - a hundred times i miss you.

Please let me move on.

It's been months.

Three months since we first began talking. A month and a day since we last spoke. You've moved on.

I find myself missing you terribly these days- I don't know why. I unfriended you because seeing you date someone else was just too difficult. I have a limited ability to stalk you still, whether because we have a mutual friend or because I am still somehow subscribed to your feed, idk. It's torture, too.

I should stop, I know. Some days I wish you'd show up at my door, asking that we start over. There are so many things wrong with scenario, so many reasons why it's improbable.

It was never meant to be - I know that. I suspect the reason it's been so hard for me to let go is that in the past two years you're the only one I ever let inside, the only one who really made me feel alive again and, consequently, the only one who could and did let me down. I meant what I said, tho: I wish you luck, and hope you find what you're looking for. For what we had, however briefly, I thank you. I hope to move on too. Till then, I miss you still, good-looking.

Lord, save me from myself, and from smooth guys who know exactly what to say.