It is by believing in roses that one brings them to bloom."  ~ French proverb

The universe gives you what you need,

not what you really, really wish for, or what would make your life easier.

If you pay close enough attention, you will realize that the recurrent themes in your life are the same growth opportunity hitting you over the head yet again, so maybe this time you'll get it right.

And if you are centered and grateful, you will see each new day as a gift chosen expressly for you.

~*~*~*


“We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey.”
Stephen R. Covey

it's icy out.

Snow flurries blinded me as I left the store yesterday. It's not so bad today, though the apartment complex's freeze warning signs are still out, advising that we leave our faucets dripping to prevent the pipes from bursting. The store was abuzz with tales of a coworker's accident yesterday. Apparently she and her little dog Lucky made the local news when she swerved to avoid an accident, skidded on black ice, drove off the road and into a pond.

December already. Another month, another year, another milestone. If you don't like seeing me sad, invest in blinders. Sad is where i live. I've just been away for a while. Why else is my music collection mostly sad love songs?

Oh, Rob. You know the truth so well, and you speak it so plainly. These are the lyrics that echo in my head:

"I'm not sayin' there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me"
- Leave

"They're only what they think of you."
- Problem Girl

I like the line "You're hell on wheels in a black dress" (Disease), even though the imagery is off, like a goth roller derby chick.

It's 2 a.m., and I sit at my computer desk in a pink terry cloth bathrobe and pink flannel Tweety sleep pants, with Campbell's Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup, a cup of green tea and Lay's potato chips. Patrick is drunk on vodka. Booze makes him a more efficient CSS player: numbed to the danger, inured to the kill, and intent on accomplishing the mission. He seems a natural-born killer. Being a Navy brat, I don't really want him to go into the service and put us through the strain of a married military life, but I've told him before that if something were to happen to me, he should probably enlist.

He's asked me what I want for my birthday. I've settled on red roses, chocolates, and dinner and an operatic birthday serenade at Macaroni Grill. He'll probably do the first two the day of, and the rest next weekend. I want Harry and David's Tower of Chocolates Collection: it seems to be the cheapest way to get the chocolate-covered cherries and Moose Munch popcorn that I love. And of course the chocolate mints and truffles are a welcome bonus.



Tower of Chocolates® Collection, $36.95 at Harry and David

I'd tell you to use your common sense, but you obviously don't have any.

Honestly. If you are rounding up petition signatures or calling the FBI about a site like Bonsai Kitten, then what is or isn't being posted up on the Internet is the least of your worries. Here's what your biggest problem is, worded with a double negative so you might understand it better: there ain't no fix for stupid.

You're probably also suing J.K. Rowling for turning your child into a witch. Maybe you initiated a boycott of "Bruce Almighty" on moral grounds (because Heaven forbid that the Almighty should be in a comedy starring Jim Carrey), and wrote impassioned letters to your PTA newsletter and the local daily about the dangers of fairytales (too violent), "Rock-a-Bye, Baby" (ditto), and Sponge-Bob Squarepants - since everyone knows that Patrick will turn your toddler gay.

If you cannot differentiate between parody and DIY instruction, fantasy and recruitment, creativity and corruption, here's a quote for you, from honest Abe:

'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln

Quotes I like:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Used by Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech

"Today we come across an individual who behaves like an automaton, who does not know or
understand himself, and the only person that he knows is the person that he is supposed to be, whose meaningless chatter has replaced communicative speech, whose synthetic smile has replaced genuine laughter, and whose sense of dull despair has taken the place of genuine pain. Two statements may be said concerning this individual. One is that he suffers from defects of spontaneity and individuality which may seem to be incurable. At the same time it may be said of him he does not differ essentially from the millions of the rest of us who walk upon this earth." - Erich Fromm

"Into the hands of every individual is given a marvelous power for good or evil -- the silent unconscious, unseen influence of his life. This is simply the constant radiation of what man really is, not what he pretends to be."- William George Jordan

"The heart dies a slow death, shedding each hope like leaves... Until one day there are none. No hopes. Nothing remains. "
- Memoirs of a Geisha

"I never told my religion, nor scrutinized that of another. I never attempted to make a convert, nor wished to change another's creed. I have judged others' religions by their lives, for it is from our lives and not our words that our religions must be read."
- Thomas Jefferson

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.” Theodor Geisel, (Dr. Seuss)

“Dance like no one is watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt,
Sing like no one is listening,
Live like it's heaven on earth.”
- William Purkey

or alternatively, this translation of an Irish proverb:
"Dance as if no one's watching, sing as if no one's listening, and live every day as if it were your last."

Memoirs of a Geisha

I just watched the film this evening. With subtitles, thankfully. Though I was entranced by the rich visuals and liked the dance, on the whole I found it, like the main character, to have "too much water". Please, read the book. You will find much more compelling characters, dimensions to their motivations, a nuanced story and the mysterious "floating world" through the eyes of one who lived it.

~*~*~*

i liked this quote:

"The heart dies a slow death, shedding each hope like leaves..."

If you are like me, you know how it is to mistrust your emotions. We are chemical beings of hormonal changes, lunar movements, sleep cycles, ebb and flow. Feelings pass, people change, but much that has been done cannot be undone.

Because I am so out of touch with literature, the highest goal I can think of is a pop culture image from cinema, of Yoda looking on as the world falls apart about him. I wish for that kind of stillness, that kind of clarity.

In the meantime, I let it all wash over me: love, rage, bliss, sadness, lust, rapture, guilt, fear. I will stand still. I will let it pass.