I'm tired of crying over guys who don't deserve my tears.

Just when you think you've finally got your head on straight and he's safely in the friend zone:

He texts you, you text back with a question in five minutes, and...nothing. For hours. Until you finally call, let it ring three times, and hang up. And decide you're gonna leave it the fuck alone. And then text him asking if he's messing with you.

Stupid, stupid, STUPID!

I hate that you still have a hold on me. I know better.

:(
:(
:(

It's not about insecurity. It's almost a hipster thing. If you can be distracted by another girl, she can have you. I've been around beautiful girls all my life, girls beautiful enough for it to be a thing all its own, Beauty with a capital B. I will not compete with that. I am old enough and seasoned enough to know who I am, and what I am worth. If a pretty face makes you falter, you don't deserve this. And Lord knows I don't deserve to go through that again.

How many times can you secretly say "i miss you" without doing anything stupid,

just repeatedly saying it, hopefully, until it loses its power and goes away?

I miss you, steve. I miss you, i miss you, i miss you - a hundred times i miss you.

Please let me move on.

It's been months.

Three months since we first began talking. A month and a day since we last spoke. You've moved on.

I find myself missing you terribly these days- I don't know why. I unfriended you because seeing you date someone else was just too difficult. I have a limited ability to stalk you still, whether because we have a mutual friend or because I am still somehow subscribed to your feed, idk. It's torture, too.

I should stop, I know. Some days I wish you'd show up at my door, asking that we start over. There are so many things wrong with scenario, so many reasons why it's improbable.

It was never meant to be - I know that. I suspect the reason it's been so hard for me to let go is that in the past two years you're the only one I ever let inside, the only one who really made me feel alive again and, consequently, the only one who could and did let me down. I meant what I said, tho: I wish you luck, and hope you find what you're looking for. For what we had, however briefly, I thank you. I hope to move on too. Till then, I miss you still, good-looking.

Lord, save me from myself, and from smooth guys who know exactly what to say.

It's raining.

Naturally, I'm listening to Paramore's "When It Rains". When it rains I feel as if the heavens are crying so I won't have to. Some days it washes me clean. Today I messed up big time at work, and cried and cried. I wish I'd died. These next few weeks will be hellish. I wish I didn't have to go back. Maybe...

I was planning on betting on the lottery, and was annoyed to hear the rain start, because the walk will be that much more unpleasant, but now that I think about it, it's been a long time since I've played in the rain.

I am alone.

I moved here eleven nights ago, to this apartment I alone occupy. I miss laughter, and caresses, and thoughts other than my own. My upstairs neighbor stomps about at all hours, and causes my apartment to shake. I sleep fitfully, and am afraid I will have to move again. I checked with the leasing office people today, and there is another apartment available, of the exact same floorplan, and on the second floor. It shares walls with the model unit on one side, and the community housekeeper on the other. It has a fireplace, and overlooks a grassy park instead of a parking lot. I will be happier there, I think. I just don't want to go through the ordeal of another move.

I preoccupy myself with unpacking (because I wasn't sure I'd be able to transfer till today), my silly online contests and George R.R. Martin's Game of Thrones. The book is so much better than the series: the characters more complex, the vistas vast and imposing, the intrigues more compelling. Everything is bigger in the books: Winterfell, the Dothraki horde, direwolves.

Of the stories one follows in the course of the telling, I find that Danaerys has me in thrall. I hear music, exotic and romantic, when reading her part. Is that weird? Even though I've seen the entire first season and, therefore, have finished the story of this first book and know what to expect, I find myself hanging on every word - when it comes to Dany, anyway.

There are differences, of course, most of which I understand them having to do owing to the constraints of the TV medium. In all cases the book is better. The only deviations of the series that improved on the books were the casting of Tyrion Lannister and Arya. And maybe the Bravosi tutor.

Episode 9

Boromir dies again?! WTH?!

Continuing this episode today. Khal Drogo rushes to Danaerys after Robert's failed assassination attempt, and calls her the "moon of my life". !!! I am beside myself. Last night I was shopping the Alfred Angelo Disney Fairytale wedding collection. (sigh) I am torturing myself with hope of fairytale endings and darkly handsome princes. I need to stop.

Watching Game of Thrones, s01, Ep 07, "You Win or You Die", in which the queen proclaims that she and Jaime are more than just brother and sister. UUUUUUUCKKKKKKK!!!!! *SO* messed up!!!

It is a shameful thing, these thoughts one should not have, but come unbidden: I hope I don't wake up tomorrow.

It is easy to pretend, but I am still not well.

I know now the two things that would complete me, but they are so far off, they might as well be a lifetime, a world away. It is just too hard. And, ten years from now, having spent what little remains of my time, my energy, my lifeforce on a silly piece of paper - what of me then?

I am making my way through "Game of Thrones". The current episode: 6, if you must know, "A Golden Crown" has me crying...as Daenerys wins over the Dothraki people, as Bran finds he can explore the world still...

Of the violent, visceral series I've been delving in lately: Dexter, Game of Thrones, I find that while it's the stories of the leading men that might pull me in, it's the journeys of the extraordinary women that keep me. Game of Thrones has Daenerys and Arya, and I while I enjoy watching them grow, I fear for them, and hope they might carve a place for themselves in this cruel world.

Books and such

I recently finished Tom Clancy's "The Teeth of the Tiger", followed by "Dead or Alive".

The first book's chapter on the mall attack made me cry, and the description of the twins' foodie tour of Europe gave me mad cravings.

The second book's telling of the Ranger raid of the cave, and the Rainbow Six hostage rescue at the embassy had my heart pounding. And the death of one of the major characters made me really, really sad.

~*~*~*

A few of my FaceBook friends are into "Game of Thrones" (TV) and "A Song of Fire and Ice" (book). I've decided to take in the HBO version first, as I am placed #53 on the hold list for the first book at the local library, and it'll be two weeks before I receive my online order of the four-book series.

I find the series to be super sexy, dark and deeply character-driven. I also love that doggie-style is all the rage in the Seven Kingdoms, lol.

A perfectly nice guy asked me for my number today

and instead of being thrilled or pleased about it, I felt sad.

I'm not ready yet, I know.

People tell me that I am strong, though I don't feel it. I feel like a crazy person. I burst into tears and throw pity parties for one, have a good cry, and plan my next outing with a newfound friend. I am alternately hopeful and despairing, angry and indifferent, resentful and understanding.

I hope to look back on this time and say, "They were right. I held myself with dignity and quiet strength, and emerged a better person."

If I seem so happy, why do I feel so fragile and sad?

I know it won't be anytime soon, but I hold on to the hope that someday I will feel whole again.

Status update

"They make it look so easy, connecting with another human being. It’s like no one told them it’s the hardest thing in the world."
- Dexter Morgan

It's a hard thing, learning to be single. I've been an other half for so long I don't know how to think for myself, do things alone, define myself as an individual. I cook noodles and rice the way he likes them: well-done. It took months, but I've learned to sleep in the middle of the bed. As for work...I don't know. I was just earning a paycheck to help with household finances until we were ready to start a family. Now I'm completely lost.

Sometimes I wish I'd go to sleep and not wake up. Waking life is so messy and difficult and exhausting.

I'm like the 40-year-old Virgin: there are so many things I should have, should have done, and should know by now, but they've somehow all passed me by.

Once again I'm up past midnight trimming my split ends, when I have work in the morning and should be sleeping. And I tell myself these feelings will pass, and that things might be better in the morning.

So done with younger men.

I'm getting really tired of meeting interesting girls/women who exclaim "We should hang out sometime!" but don't mean it. I wonder if it's me, if maybe I need friends too much, and they smell it on me and when they've had time to think about it, decide they're better off without.

But, more likely, she's just another casually friendly person who doesn't mean what she says.

Foul-weather friend

I'm a horrid sort of friend, I know. I hope you understand.

For the most part, I only show up here when I'm feeling down and need to unload. When I'm feeling cheery - which, to the world, appears to be most of the time - I don't blog.

I don't mean to burden you. In a way, It's the opposite. I download the icky, difficult, drag-me-down negativity I'm bored with or tired of or just too ashamed to expose elsewhere, so I can gain some semblance of normalcy, so I can get on with the rest of my life. I am glad this blog affords me that ability, and am at once grateful and embarrassed that you're reading it.

I can only hope that you have something similar in your life, and that somewhere in the muck of my aimless ramblings, a glimmer of truth or meaning shines through for you.

Watching the Prom Queen episode of "Glee":

Waiting for Prince Charming is a poisonous idea, but it refuses to die because it's oh-so-romantic, and deep down every red-blooded girl wants to be a princess.
(sigh)

Could have done without the "Friday" cover.
I mean, it's far-and-away better than the original, but that's not saying much.

"Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton!"