restless

For no reason at all I've requested May 20th to 26th off. Called up my mom last night to broach the subject of a possible visit, but she felt that one week wasn't worth the airfare, and that I should save up and maybe take off an entire month next year.

And so it is that in 2 weeks' time I will have nothing to look forward to except organizing projects I've put off since we moved in. Ugh.

It may simply be guilt, or projected resentment, but when Patrick visits his family, I worry he might not come back. That he might say "You know what, it's just not worth it anymore."

I don't know why I feel this way. I don't know why I feel so restless and ill-at-ease.

Every evening I spend half an hour trying on outfits, trying to piece together the next day's look from my meager wardrobe. I want (need?) more shoes, bags, and clothes. I can't seem to dress myself anymore. Or maybe it's just easier to say "I have nothing to wear", than to say "I am nothing. I am inadequate."

I would pray but I do not know who to pray to or what to ask for. There are things I vaguely want, things I remember probably wanting, but nothing seems worth the effort anymore.

~*~*~*