It seems that all I ever do is pine over guys. I should be writing songs, and making a gazillion bucks like Taylor Swift or Adele.
~*~*~*
Two weeks in April and here I am still wishing you would magically appear at my doorstep. I've made some changes since then: attempted rock climbing and hiking, and gotten a better-paying job. A little better fit for you, but not much. I bet you never even gave me a second thought afterwards.
You are earth to me: strong, stable, grounded. I didn't realize I needed that. And you aren't coming back. I wish I understood you better.
I know it's stupid and pathetic, but I miss you, Derrick. I miss you a lot, and I know I shouldn't anymore.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Friday, January 04, 2013
Just when you think you've finally got your head on straight and he's safely in the friend zone:
He texts you, you text back with a question in five minutes, and...nothing. For hours. Until you finally call, let it ring three times, and hang up. And decide you're gonna leave it the fuck alone. And then text him asking if he's messing with you.
Stupid, stupid, STUPID!
I hate that you still have a hold on me. I know better.
:(
:(
:(
He texts you, you text back with a question in five minutes, and...nothing. For hours. Until you finally call, let it ring three times, and hang up. And decide you're gonna leave it the fuck alone. And then text him asking if he's messing with you.
Stupid, stupid, STUPID!
I hate that you still have a hold on me. I know better.
:(
:(
:(
Wednesday, January 02, 2013
It's not about insecurity. It's almost a hipster thing. If you can be distracted by another girl, she can have you. I've been around beautiful girls all my life, girls beautiful enough for it to be a thing all its own, Beauty with a capital B. I will not compete with that. I am old enough and seasoned enough to know who I am, and what I am worth. If a pretty face makes you falter, you don't deserve this. And Lord knows I don't deserve to go through that again.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
How many times can you secretly say "i miss you" without doing anything stupid,
just repeatedly saying it, hopefully, until it loses its power and goes away?
I miss you, steve. I miss you, i miss you, i miss you - a hundred times i miss you.
Please let me move on.
I miss you, steve. I miss you, i miss you, i miss you - a hundred times i miss you.
Please let me move on.
Monday, November 12, 2012
It's been months.
Three months since we first began talking. A month and a day since we last spoke. You've moved on.
I find myself missing you terribly these days- I don't know why. I unfriended you because seeing you date someone else was just too difficult. I have a limited ability to stalk you still, whether because we have a mutual friend or because I am still somehow subscribed to your feed, idk. It's torture, too.
I should stop, I know. Some days I wish you'd show up at my door, asking that we start over. There are so many things wrong with scenario, so many reasons why it's improbable.
It was never meant to be - I know that. I suspect the reason it's been so hard for me to let go is that in the past two years you're the only one I ever let inside, the only one who really made me feel alive again and, consequently, the only one who could and did let me down. I meant what I said, tho: I wish you luck, and hope you find what you're looking for. For what we had, however briefly, I thank you. I hope to move on too. Till then, I miss you still, good-looking.
I find myself missing you terribly these days- I don't know why. I unfriended you because seeing you date someone else was just too difficult. I have a limited ability to stalk you still, whether because we have a mutual friend or because I am still somehow subscribed to your feed, idk. It's torture, too.
I should stop, I know. Some days I wish you'd show up at my door, asking that we start over. There are so many things wrong with scenario, so many reasons why it's improbable.
It was never meant to be - I know that. I suspect the reason it's been so hard for me to let go is that in the past two years you're the only one I ever let inside, the only one who really made me feel alive again and, consequently, the only one who could and did let me down. I meant what I said, tho: I wish you luck, and hope you find what you're looking for. For what we had, however briefly, I thank you. I hope to move on too. Till then, I miss you still, good-looking.
Monday, January 02, 2012
Friday, September 16, 2011
It's raining.
Naturally, I'm listening to Paramore's "When It Rains". When it rains I feel as if the heavens are crying so I won't have to. Some days it washes me clean. Today I messed up big time at work, and cried and cried. I wish I'd died. These next few weeks will be hellish. I wish I didn't have to go back. Maybe...
I was planning on betting on the lottery, and was annoyed to hear the rain start, because the walk will be that much more unpleasant, but now that I think about it, it's been a long time since I've played in the rain.
I was planning on betting on the lottery, and was annoyed to hear the rain start, because the walk will be that much more unpleasant, but now that I think about it, it's been a long time since I've played in the rain.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
I am alone.
I moved here eleven nights ago, to this apartment I alone occupy. I miss laughter, and caresses, and thoughts other than my own. My upstairs neighbor stomps about at all hours, and causes my apartment to shake. I sleep fitfully, and am afraid I will have to move again. I checked with the leasing office people today, and there is another apartment available, of the exact same floorplan, and on the second floor. It shares walls with the model unit on one side, and the community housekeeper on the other. It has a fireplace, and overlooks a grassy park instead of a parking lot. I will be happier there, I think. I just don't want to go through the ordeal of another move.
I preoccupy myself with unpacking (because I wasn't sure I'd be able to transfer till today), my silly online contests and George R.R. Martin's Game of Thrones. The book is so much better than the series: the characters more complex, the vistas vast and imposing, the intrigues more compelling. Everything is bigger in the books: Winterfell, the Dothraki horde, direwolves.
Of the stories one follows in the course of the telling, I find that Danaerys has me in thrall. I hear music, exotic and romantic, when reading her part. Is that weird? Even though I've seen the entire first season and, therefore, have finished the story of this first book and know what to expect, I find myself hanging on every word - when it comes to Dany, anyway.
There are differences, of course, most of which I understand them having to do owing to the constraints of the TV medium. In all cases the book is better. The only deviations of the series that improved on the books were the casting of Tyrion Lannister and Arya. And maybe the Bravosi tutor.
I preoccupy myself with unpacking (because I wasn't sure I'd be able to transfer till today), my silly online contests and George R.R. Martin's Game of Thrones. The book is so much better than the series: the characters more complex, the vistas vast and imposing, the intrigues more compelling. Everything is bigger in the books: Winterfell, the Dothraki horde, direwolves.
Of the stories one follows in the course of the telling, I find that Danaerys has me in thrall. I hear music, exotic and romantic, when reading her part. Is that weird? Even though I've seen the entire first season and, therefore, have finished the story of this first book and know what to expect, I find myself hanging on every word - when it comes to Dany, anyway.
There are differences, of course, most of which I understand them having to do owing to the constraints of the TV medium. In all cases the book is better. The only deviations of the series that improved on the books were the casting of Tyrion Lannister and Arya. And maybe the Bravosi tutor.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Continuing this episode today. Khal Drogo rushes to Danaerys after Robert's failed assassination attempt, and calls her the "moon of my life". !!! I am beside myself. Last night I was shopping the Alfred Angelo Disney Fairytale wedding collection. (sigh) I am torturing myself with hope of fairytale endings and darkly handsome princes. I need to stop.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
It is a shameful thing, these thoughts one should not have, but come unbidden: I hope I don't wake up tomorrow.
It is easy to pretend, but I am still not well.
I know now the two things that would complete me, but they are so far off, they might as well be a lifetime, a world away. It is just too hard. And, ten years from now, having spent what little remains of my time, my energy, my lifeforce on a silly piece of paper - what of me then?
I am making my way through "Game of Thrones". The current episode: 6, if you must know, "A Golden Crown" has me crying...as Daenerys wins over the Dothraki people, as Bran finds he can explore the world still...
Of the violent, visceral series I've been delving in lately: Dexter, Game of Thrones, I find that while it's the stories of the leading men that might pull me in, it's the journeys of the extraordinary women that keep me. Game of Thrones has Daenerys and Arya, and I while I enjoy watching them grow, I fear for them, and hope they might carve a place for themselves in this cruel world.
It is easy to pretend, but I am still not well.
I know now the two things that would complete me, but they are so far off, they might as well be a lifetime, a world away. It is just too hard. And, ten years from now, having spent what little remains of my time, my energy, my lifeforce on a silly piece of paper - what of me then?
I am making my way through "Game of Thrones". The current episode: 6, if you must know, "A Golden Crown" has me crying...as Daenerys wins over the Dothraki people, as Bran finds he can explore the world still...
Of the violent, visceral series I've been delving in lately: Dexter, Game of Thrones, I find that while it's the stories of the leading men that might pull me in, it's the journeys of the extraordinary women that keep me. Game of Thrones has Daenerys and Arya, and I while I enjoy watching them grow, I fear for them, and hope they might carve a place for themselves in this cruel world.
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
Books and such
I recently finished Tom Clancy's "The Teeth of the Tiger", followed by "Dead or Alive".
The first book's chapter on the mall attack made me cry, and the description of the twins' foodie tour of Europe gave me mad cravings.
The second book's telling of the Ranger raid of the cave, and the Rainbow Six hostage rescue at the embassy had my heart pounding. And the death of one of the major characters made me really, really sad.
~*~*~*
A few of my FaceBook friends are into "Game of Thrones" (TV) and "A Song of Fire and Ice" (book). I've decided to take in the HBO version first, as I am placed #53 on the hold list for the first book at the local library, and it'll be two weeks before I receive my online order of the four-book series.
I find the series to be super sexy, dark and deeply character-driven. I also love that doggie-style is all the rage in the Seven Kingdoms, lol.
The first book's chapter on the mall attack made me cry, and the description of the twins' foodie tour of Europe gave me mad cravings.
The second book's telling of the Ranger raid of the cave, and the Rainbow Six hostage rescue at the embassy had my heart pounding. And the death of one of the major characters made me really, really sad.
~*~*~*
A few of my FaceBook friends are into "Game of Thrones" (TV) and "A Song of Fire and Ice" (book). I've decided to take in the HBO version first, as I am placed #53 on the hold list for the first book at the local library, and it'll be two weeks before I receive my online order of the four-book series.
I find the series to be super sexy, dark and deeply character-driven. I also love that doggie-style is all the rage in the Seven Kingdoms, lol.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
A perfectly nice guy asked me for my number today
and instead of being thrilled or pleased about it, I felt sad.
I'm not ready yet, I know.
People tell me that I am strong, though I don't feel it. I feel like a crazy person. I burst into tears and throw pity parties for one, have a good cry, and plan my next outing with a newfound friend. I am alternately hopeful and despairing, angry and indifferent, resentful and understanding.
I hope to look back on this time and say, "They were right. I held myself with dignity and quiet strength, and emerged a better person."
If I seem so happy, why do I feel so fragile and sad?
I'm not ready yet, I know.
People tell me that I am strong, though I don't feel it. I feel like a crazy person. I burst into tears and throw pity parties for one, have a good cry, and plan my next outing with a newfound friend. I am alternately hopeful and despairing, angry and indifferent, resentful and understanding.
I hope to look back on this time and say, "They were right. I held myself with dignity and quiet strength, and emerged a better person."
If I seem so happy, why do I feel so fragile and sad?
Thursday, July 07, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
Status update
"They make it look so easy, connecting with another human being. It’s like no one told them it’s the hardest thing in the world."
- Dexter Morgan
It's a hard thing, learning to be single. I've been an other half for so long I don't know how to think for myself, do things alone, define myself as an individual. I cook noodles and rice the way he likes them: well-done. It took months, but I've learned to sleep in the middle of the bed. As for work...I don't know. I was just earning a paycheck to help with household finances until we were ready to start a family. Now I'm completely lost.
Sometimes I wish I'd go to sleep and not wake up. Waking life is so messy and difficult and exhausting.
I'm like the 40-year-old Virgin: there are so many things I should have, should have done, and should know by now, but they've somehow all passed me by.
Once again I'm up past midnight trimming my split ends, when I have work in the morning and should be sleeping. And I tell myself these feelings will pass, and that things might be better in the morning.
- Dexter Morgan
It's a hard thing, learning to be single. I've been an other half for so long I don't know how to think for myself, do things alone, define myself as an individual. I cook noodles and rice the way he likes them: well-done. It took months, but I've learned to sleep in the middle of the bed. As for work...I don't know. I was just earning a paycheck to help with household finances until we were ready to start a family. Now I'm completely lost.
Sometimes I wish I'd go to sleep and not wake up. Waking life is so messy and difficult and exhausting.
I'm like the 40-year-old Virgin: there are so many things I should have, should have done, and should know by now, but they've somehow all passed me by.
Once again I'm up past midnight trimming my split ends, when I have work in the morning and should be sleeping. And I tell myself these feelings will pass, and that things might be better in the morning.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
I'm getting really tired of meeting interesting girls/women who exclaim "We should hang out sometime!" but don't mean it. I wonder if it's me, if maybe I need friends too much, and they smell it on me and when they've had time to think about it, decide they're better off without.
But, more likely, she's just another casually friendly person who doesn't mean what she says.
But, more likely, she's just another casually friendly person who doesn't mean what she says.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Foul-weather friend
I'm a horrid sort of friend, I know. I hope you understand.
For the most part, I only show up here when I'm feeling down and need to unload. When I'm feeling cheery - which, to the world, appears to be most of the time - I don't blog.
I don't mean to burden you. In a way, It's the opposite. I download the icky, difficult, drag-me-down negativity I'm bored with or tired of or just too ashamed to expose elsewhere, so I can gain some semblance of normalcy, so I can get on with the rest of my life. I am glad this blog affords me that ability, and am at once grateful and embarrassed that you're reading it.
I can only hope that you have something similar in your life, and that somewhere in the muck of my aimless ramblings, a glimmer of truth or meaning shines through for you.
For the most part, I only show up here when I'm feeling down and need to unload. When I'm feeling cheery - which, to the world, appears to be most of the time - I don't blog.
I don't mean to burden you. In a way, It's the opposite. I download the icky, difficult, drag-me-down negativity I'm bored with or tired of or just too ashamed to expose elsewhere, so I can gain some semblance of normalcy, so I can get on with the rest of my life. I am glad this blog affords me that ability, and am at once grateful and embarrassed that you're reading it.
I can only hope that you have something similar in your life, and that somewhere in the muck of my aimless ramblings, a glimmer of truth or meaning shines through for you.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Watching the Prom Queen episode of "Glee":
Waiting for Prince Charming is a poisonous idea, but it refuses to die because it's oh-so-romantic, and deep down every red-blooded girl wants to be a princess.
(sigh)
Could have done without the "Friday" cover.
I mean, it's far-and-away better than the original, but that's not saying much.
"Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton!"
(sigh)
Could have done without the "Friday" cover.
I mean, it's far-and-away better than the original, but that's not saying much.
"Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton!"
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Pages from my journal
Last night we went to Dalrock because DJ was supposed to be there. I was tired and Patrick had arranged from time at the driving range after work, so after we got home I napped while he headed off the McKinney. Nic and co. arrived at Ferdie's house shortly before he did, so Jen and Nic hung out, as did Frankie and Izzy, and Junior and Jet, While Ferdie, Patrick and Chris practiced at the driving range.
Afterwards he came by for me and he headed to Dalrock. Nic and family were already there, making plans to watch the last show of Thor. DJ didn't get there till 10, with Auntie Nenette (?Jeanette) and brother in tow. She;'d just completed her nurse practitioner degree, and her brother's graduating in December. Her mom kept bugging me about not having kids yet, till we finally left, and I cried. No, they don't know.
~*~*~*
Things are bad again, I don't know why. For the second time, my emotions are welling up, as If it's all fresh again. I mourn my lost years, I see no future to look forward to, and building a new life for myself seems like oh so much work, it's all so exhausting, I just want to give up...I look to the black sleep, to the peaceful oblivion of death, and it seems the easier, more sensible alternative.
~*~*~*
They say the day after Friday the 13th is lucky. I hope so. I am so tired.
I've actually been pretty lucky the past week or two, though I can't feel too cheery about it these days. Got free passes and upgrades at the advanced screenings to Bridesmaids and Thor, and free tickets to Twist and Shout. Not to mention the Test Scanning project I've been on at work: tedious but all-around so much better than my usual week at work.
I met a pretty interesting lady at work the other day. I wish we'd met ten years ago, and I hope to be her in ten years' time. I lost her card, but when I have time I'll probably look her up on FaceBook.
Afterwards he came by for me and he headed to Dalrock. Nic and family were already there, making plans to watch the last show of Thor. DJ didn't get there till 10, with Auntie Nenette (?Jeanette) and brother in tow. She;'d just completed her nurse practitioner degree, and her brother's graduating in December. Her mom kept bugging me about not having kids yet, till we finally left, and I cried. No, they don't know.
~*~*~*
Things are bad again, I don't know why. For the second time, my emotions are welling up, as If it's all fresh again. I mourn my lost years, I see no future to look forward to, and building a new life for myself seems like oh so much work, it's all so exhausting, I just want to give up...I look to the black sleep, to the peaceful oblivion of death, and it seems the easier, more sensible alternative.
~*~*~*
They say the day after Friday the 13th is lucky. I hope so. I am so tired.
I've actually been pretty lucky the past week or two, though I can't feel too cheery about it these days. Got free passes and upgrades at the advanced screenings to Bridesmaids and Thor, and free tickets to Twist and Shout. Not to mention the Test Scanning project I've been on at work: tedious but all-around so much better than my usual week at work.
I met a pretty interesting lady at work the other day. I wish we'd met ten years ago, and I hope to be her in ten years' time. I lost her card, but when I have time I'll probably look her up on FaceBook.
Saturday, May 07, 2011
Season 2, Episode 17: A Night of Neglect
Emma - ”At what age are you allowed to look back on your life with nothing but regret? Is 32 too young?
:(
:(
Thursday, May 05, 2011
Limitless
The best part of the movie was the theater. (Gold Class Cinemas in Fairview, but that's a story for another time. If I get to it at all.)
The next best thing was Bradley Cooper *finally* cleaned up and debonair, romancing a beautiful woman in Italian.
The next best thing was Bradley Cooper *finally* cleaned up and debonair, romancing a beautiful woman in Italian.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
I think about you way too much.
Far, far too often.
Though I think I'm getting better at pretending I don't.
Though I think I'm getting better at pretending I don't.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Episode 19:
Jesse reappears! Impossibly cute, and forgiving!
Rachel, tearfully: I thought you'd never come back.
Jesse, smiling: I miss all your drama.
hayyyyyy...
Rachel, tearfully: I thought you'd never come back.
Jesse, smiling: I miss all your drama.
hayyyyyy...
Friday, April 22, 2011
Becoming a Gleek
Just watched the part of episode 19 where Finn sings "Jessie's Girl"...
(sigh)
I wish a (really great, really cute, talented, and overall awesome) guy would sing a song that pointedly to me.
(sigh)
I wish a (really great, really cute, talented, and overall awesome) guy would sing a song that pointedly to me.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Bloody. Fucking. Hell.
My life is shit,
piled upon shit
with a hot steaming pile
- second helping - of
you guessed it
more shit.
Fuck.
piled upon shit
with a hot steaming pile
- second helping - of
you guessed it
more shit.
Fuck.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
On the eve of what would have been my tenth wedding anniversary,
the ex went out and got drunk, whle I stayed home and got drunk. And dressed up as Wonder Woman. And recorded "Superwoman."
Couldn't find my tiara...
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Things I try to remind myself
Revisited "The King's Speech" to reinforce my own voice. I've cried so much today. There are things I know but don't always remember:
I have a voice.
Looking good and living well, are the best revenge. And the best prescription.
Too much time and energy are wasted on feeling sad and sorry for oneself. Life sucks. Deal with it.
There is still beauty in the world; life is what you make it.
Women in particular waste a good deal of time and energy on people who don't care about us, and who we don't care about. Life is too short to squander it on things that just don't matter.
Comparing oneself to others is pointless and demeaning.
I have a voice.
Looking good and living well, are the best revenge. And the best prescription.
Too much time and energy are wasted on feeling sad and sorry for oneself. Life sucks. Deal with it.
There is still beauty in the world; life is what you make it.
Women in particular waste a good deal of time and energy on people who don't care about us, and who we don't care about. Life is too short to squander it on things that just don't matter.
Comparing oneself to others is pointless and demeaning.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Zumba!
Just got back from my first-ever Zumba class, and my first-ever visit to Lifetime Fitness. I already love it. It's an awesome place - as impressive as the lifestyle gym in the Tim Allen movie "Joe Somebody". It has a happy, healthy atmosphere that seems more dedicated to a well-rounded life than the pursuit of a bodily ideal.
I'm batting two-for-two as far as workouts lifting my spirits. I should know this. I never look forward to going, but I definitely feel better afterwards.
I'd love to join up with Lifetime, but it's sooo expensive - almost five times the monthly fee at my previous gym, just for the basic individual payment.
Zumba was amazing and surprising: 667 calories, 6760 steps and though I got tired about fifteen minutes in, I was fine after half an hour.
Personal observation: people around me gave me extra space. On a dance floor, that can be a good or bad thing.
I'm batting two-for-two as far as workouts lifting my spirits. I should know this. I never look forward to going, but I definitely feel better afterwards.
I'd love to join up with Lifetime, but it's sooo expensive - almost five times the monthly fee at my previous gym, just for the basic individual payment.
Zumba was amazing and surprising: 667 calories, 6760 steps and though I got tired about fifteen minutes in, I was fine after half an hour.
Personal observation: people around me gave me extra space. On a dance floor, that can be a good or bad thing.
I cried myself to sleep last night. Finally mustered up the courage to tell a friend that Patrick and I are divorced. She asked me what I want to do.
(I've been so overwhelmingly sad. I just realized Saturday would have been our tenth anniversary. So many restaurants have been sending cheery emails, congratulating us on the happy day, enjoining us to celebrate with them. I want to check into a motel somewhere and swallow a bullet.)
I told her I don't know.
I don't want to feel this way. I'm tired of being sad, and I know everyone's probably tired of and bored with it too. I want to be strong and resilient and bulletproof and above-it-all. I feel like such a failure.
I tell myself I just need to get through this week, and I will be alright.
(I've been so overwhelmingly sad. I just realized Saturday would have been our tenth anniversary. So many restaurants have been sending cheery emails, congratulating us on the happy day, enjoining us to celebrate with them. I want to check into a motel somewhere and swallow a bullet.)
I told her I don't know.
I don't want to feel this way. I'm tired of being sad, and I know everyone's probably tired of and bored with it too. I want to be strong and resilient and bulletproof and above-it-all. I feel like such a failure.
I tell myself I just need to get through this week, and I will be alright.
Monday, April 04, 2011
I can't help but wonder:
Am I surrounded by idiots, and understandably impatient with them
- or am i really just a bitch?
- or am i really just a bitch?
Saturday, April 02, 2011
Dear Diary,
If I were truly honest, I would say that I envy her.
I envy her not needing to work. I envy her still living with her parents and going to school full-time. I envy her future as a doctor being a foregone conclusion. I envy the misplaced confidence she has in her looks and desirability - why was I never so self-assured?
And then there are pangs when I see they way you laugh so easily with her, and I envy that too.
~*~*~*
Someone told me today that I am at my ideal weight, that I should stop losing and strive to maintain myself right where I am. It was a funny sort of compliment to get. I thanked the person, but choose to ignore the recommendation. I'm still six pounds heavier than my old fat weight.
~*~*~*
Today at work I had to pace myself, making sure to get all my breaks and lunches on time, or else I was certain I would kill a particular manager. Not a good sign. Apparently I need a vacation.
I envy her not needing to work. I envy her still living with her parents and going to school full-time. I envy her future as a doctor being a foregone conclusion. I envy the misplaced confidence she has in her looks and desirability - why was I never so self-assured?
And then there are pangs when I see they way you laugh so easily with her, and I envy that too.
~*~*~*
Someone told me today that I am at my ideal weight, that I should stop losing and strive to maintain myself right where I am. It was a funny sort of compliment to get. I thanked the person, but choose to ignore the recommendation. I'm still six pounds heavier than my old fat weight.
~*~*~*
Today at work I had to pace myself, making sure to get all my breaks and lunches on time, or else I was certain I would kill a particular manager. Not a good sign. Apparently I need a vacation.
Friday, April 01, 2011
FaceBook Statuses today:
Farah Lozano
So happy...
I was just thinking how weary I am of being sad and tired all the time, when I found an opportunity to donate to a cause I find worthwhile. I feel so good for doing so. I am renewed. =) Charity works!
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Trhn Arif likes this..
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~*~*~*
Farah Lozano
This is so awesome! If you have Sony Reawrds points you're not using, you can donate them to the American Red Cross, to help them provide aid to Japan! This is my contribution - click and donate today!
Product - Sony Rewards
www.sonyrewards.com
Donate your Sony Rewards Points. As a Sony Card member, you can help by donating your Sony Rewards Points to the American Red Cross in an effort to aid the people of Japan. Your gift will enable the Red Cross to provide shelter, food, emotional support and other assistance to victims across the Paci..
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~*~*~*
Farah Lozano
So apparently my cat ears and tail confused one too many people at work today...joke's on me, haha. Happy April Fools', everyone!
6 hours ago via Text Message ·LikeUnlike · .Write a comment...Press Enter to post your comment.Press Shift+Enter to start a new line...
.Remove PostFarah Lozano
Can't find my favorite pair of cat ears! So annoyed...
11 hours ago via Text Message ·LikeUnlike · · View Feedback (6)Hide Feedback (6).
Kristina SmartCookie likes this..
.Kristina SmartCookie THEY DID WHAT--- THOSE PARTY POOPERS! "DISLIKE"!!!
45 minutes ago · UnlikeLike · 1 personLoading....Farah Lozano Yes. Our store has gotten rather staid this past year.
29 minutes ago · LikeUnlike.
So happy...
I was just thinking how weary I am of being sad and tired all the time, when I found an opportunity to donate to a cause I find worthwhile. I feel so good for doing so. I am renewed. =) Charity works!
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~*~*~*
Farah Lozano
This is so awesome! If you have Sony Reawrds points you're not using, you can donate them to the American Red Cross, to help them provide aid to Japan! This is my contribution - click and donate today!
Product - Sony Rewards
www.sonyrewards.com
Donate your Sony Rewards Points. As a Sony Card member, you can help by donating your Sony Rewards Points to the American Red Cross in an effort to aid the people of Japan. Your gift will enable the Red Cross to provide shelter, food, emotional support and other assistance to victims across the Paci..
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~*~*~*
Farah Lozano
So apparently my cat ears and tail confused one too many people at work today...joke's on me, haha. Happy April Fools', everyone!
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Can't find my favorite pair of cat ears! So annoyed...
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.Kristina SmartCookie THEY DID WHAT--- THOSE PARTY POOPERS! "DISLIKE"!!!
45 minutes ago · UnlikeLike · 1 personLoading....Farah Lozano Yes. Our store has gotten rather staid this past year.
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Monday, March 28, 2011
Having trouble coping tonight.
A wave of sadness hit me, and I am helpless against it.
I think of girls who have it easy, and I envy them. Why couldn't I have been one of those "Daddy, buy me..." girls, who go on to being socialites and country club matrons with husbands who carry on the tradition of men to take care of them?
I'm whining, I know.
Princess locked in an ivory tower, with no Prince Charming coming to her rescue. I am doomed to remain locked away, as much prisoner as hideaway, afraid of the big bad world and all I am ill-equipped to face. I cannot do this, I think.
The things that I preoccupy myself, the chores and hobbies that fill my day: dust, all of it. None of it matters - all will come to nothing.
The void gapes open and I stand at its mouth, wind howling at me. I am so small, and so afraid. I have no weapons, no wings, no protections of any kind. I can wish, but it doesn't do any good. I wish for a winged rescue, for a golden knight, for a trip back in time: anything to transport me from here. Nothing comes. I am utterly alone.
I think of girls who have it easy, and I envy them. Why couldn't I have been one of those "Daddy, buy me..." girls, who go on to being socialites and country club matrons with husbands who carry on the tradition of men to take care of them?
I'm whining, I know.
Princess locked in an ivory tower, with no Prince Charming coming to her rescue. I am doomed to remain locked away, as much prisoner as hideaway, afraid of the big bad world and all I am ill-equipped to face. I cannot do this, I think.
The things that I preoccupy myself, the chores and hobbies that fill my day: dust, all of it. None of it matters - all will come to nothing.
The void gapes open and I stand at its mouth, wind howling at me. I am so small, and so afraid. I have no weapons, no wings, no protections of any kind. I can wish, but it doesn't do any good. I wish for a winged rescue, for a golden knight, for a trip back in time: anything to transport me from here. Nothing comes. I am utterly alone.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Everything's relative.
When I was 136 pounds, I felt fat, because I remembered being 124.
Now that I'm 139, I feel sexy, because only four months ago I weighed 154.
Now that I'm 139, I feel sexy, because only four months ago I weighed 154.
Monday, March 14, 2011
You are my best friend, and yet
it seems that all i ever do these days is apologize for something stupid that I've done.
(i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry,
a million times, sorry)
It's probably best that I steer clear for now.
It's going to be one of the most difficult things ever.
I'll just...see you when I see you, I guess.
(i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry,
a million times, sorry)
It's probably best that I steer clear for now.
It's going to be one of the most difficult things ever.
I'll just...see you when I see you, I guess.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Words For It
I wish I could take language
And fold it like cool, moist rags.
I would lay words on your forehead
I would wrap words on your wrists.
“There, there,” my words would say–
Or something better.
I would ask them to murmur,
“Hush” and “Shh, shhh, it’s all right.”
I would ask them to hold you all night.
I wish I could take language
And daub and soothe and cool
Where fever blisters and burns,
Where fever turns yourself against you.
I wish I could take language
And heal the words that were the wounds
You have no name for.
~ Julia Cameron (The Artist’s Way)
And fold it like cool, moist rags.
I would lay words on your forehead
I would wrap words on your wrists.
“There, there,” my words would say–
Or something better.
I would ask them to murmur,
“Hush” and “Shh, shhh, it’s all right.”
I would ask them to hold you all night.
I wish I could take language
And daub and soothe and cool
Where fever blisters and burns,
Where fever turns yourself against you.
I wish I could take language
And heal the words that were the wounds
You have no name for.
~ Julia Cameron (The Artist’s Way)
Monday, February 07, 2011
Anthem
His most recent weekend visit to the girlfriend did not go well.
He returned contrite and full of regret, asking me to take him back. He knows my answer, but asks anyway, hoping it'll change. He's begun smoking again. He quit months ago, the week he broke the news. She doesn't mind the habit, and never asked him to quit.
The grandfatherly kiss to the forehead in greeting is now a more familiar peck to the cheek. I've been fighting a cold, and slept all day. He got me medicine and made soup.
I am stone. I know what he asks, but make no reply. I survived my weekend alone and am better and stronger for it. I am moving on.
He returned contrite and full of regret, asking me to take him back. He knows my answer, but asks anyway, hoping it'll change. He's begun smoking again. He quit months ago, the week he broke the news. She doesn't mind the habit, and never asked him to quit.
The grandfatherly kiss to the forehead in greeting is now a more familiar peck to the cheek. I've been fighting a cold, and slept all day. He got me medicine and made soup.
I am stone. I know what he asks, but make no reply. I survived my weekend alone and am better and stronger for it. I am moving on.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Foundering...
Stuck on the first half of Shakespeare's Sonnet 29.
"When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
..."
as for the rest of it, who knows when and if that might apply again?
"When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
..."
as for the rest of it, who knows when and if that might apply again?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
neophyte
Last week I attended the Dallas Symphony's Russian Romance program. It was my first time at the symphony, and an incredible experience for me.
I grew up watching Disney movies, and particularly loved the musical ones: The Jungle Book, Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast. I also relished musical movies, animated or not: Annie, The Rescuers, The Wizard of Oz. As i grew older I found that artists who recorded the songs I loved most sang pop opera, classical crossover and Broadway: Charlotte Church, Josh Groban, Sarah Brightman.
I found myself exploring opera recordings. I love Maria Callas and Renee Fleming. I have yet to attend a live performance, but I've watched many DVDs.
And yet, through it all, the orchestra was always just, I'm embarrassed to say, background noise. Sure, I might tune in to the local classical radio station when the mood hits me. But classical music on film and radio had always been a complement, never center-stage. Until now.
That night I was awash in a sea of pure, unadulterated emotion, wave after wave crashing against me, breaking me apart, breaking me open to beauty and splendor. It's one thing to listen to a recording, and quite another to be in a concert hall with the artists performing right in front of you, in a room full of people hanging on to each note. Each breath, each handstroke a new note, an intricate tapestry weaving itself before you of thin air, magically teasing and transporting you.
I was completely lost, and it was utterly glorious. I could barely tell who was playing what and when: i couldn't see the flutes from my seat, and can barely identify instrument tones anyway. There was one part that was kind of a cello and harp duet, a conversation even, one i found beautiful and romantic.
I feel utterly ignorant, not knowing who or what i was listening to, or whether or not they were any good. I know that the conductor was Hans Graf from Houston, it was 25-year veteran Dallas concertmaster Emmanuel Borok's last performance, and Milwaukee's Frank Almond was guest concertmaster that evening, playing the Lipinski Stradivari. As first nights go, I think I was incredibly lucky.
I hope to further explore this strange new world, and educate myself to appreciate it more and more.
I grew up watching Disney movies, and particularly loved the musical ones: The Jungle Book, Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast. I also relished musical movies, animated or not: Annie, The Rescuers, The Wizard of Oz. As i grew older I found that artists who recorded the songs I loved most sang pop opera, classical crossover and Broadway: Charlotte Church, Josh Groban, Sarah Brightman.
I found myself exploring opera recordings. I love Maria Callas and Renee Fleming. I have yet to attend a live performance, but I've watched many DVDs.
And yet, through it all, the orchestra was always just, I'm embarrassed to say, background noise. Sure, I might tune in to the local classical radio station when the mood hits me. But classical music on film and radio had always been a complement, never center-stage. Until now.
That night I was awash in a sea of pure, unadulterated emotion, wave after wave crashing against me, breaking me apart, breaking me open to beauty and splendor. It's one thing to listen to a recording, and quite another to be in a concert hall with the artists performing right in front of you, in a room full of people hanging on to each note. Each breath, each handstroke a new note, an intricate tapestry weaving itself before you of thin air, magically teasing and transporting you.
I was completely lost, and it was utterly glorious. I could barely tell who was playing what and when: i couldn't see the flutes from my seat, and can barely identify instrument tones anyway. There was one part that was kind of a cello and harp duet, a conversation even, one i found beautiful and romantic.
I feel utterly ignorant, not knowing who or what i was listening to, or whether or not they were any good. I know that the conductor was Hans Graf from Houston, it was 25-year veteran Dallas concertmaster Emmanuel Borok's last performance, and Milwaukee's Frank Almond was guest concertmaster that evening, playing the Lipinski Stradivari. As first nights go, I think I was incredibly lucky.
I hope to further explore this strange new world, and educate myself to appreciate it more and more.
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
I need friends.
I know I do.
But I feel like a fucking trainwreck. And so I leave stupid, vague status messages on FaceBook, and cry helplessly at the outpouring of concern, but as I try to respond I find I can't, not to the smiling faces looking out from holiday pictures with the loving hubby or smiling kids. I can't. I won't.
I will be okay, I tell myself. I will be okay.
But I feel like a fucking trainwreck. And so I leave stupid, vague status messages on FaceBook, and cry helplessly at the outpouring of concern, but as I try to respond I find I can't, not to the smiling faces looking out from holiday pictures with the loving hubby or smiling kids. I can't. I won't.
I will be okay, I tell myself. I will be okay.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
Courthouse
An imposing building, not the same one we were married in.
Metal detectors and scanners. A two-storey Christmas tree with ornaments the size of my head. A bronze statue called "The Line". A 1979 time capsule to be opened in 2029.
Ticket 218. Jennifer at Window 5. A much shorter Christmas tree, six feet maybe, missing a tree topper - the second such tree in as many days.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The winter of my discontent
Sleepy. I woke to the almost-full moon shining brightly on my face through the slats of my window blinds. It's been over a month now, which is hard to believe. Time flies. People tell me I've lost weight. They tell me I seem to be cheering up. I don't feel these things. I don't feel lighter, happier. I am...resurfacing, I hope. Still so muddled most days. Clumsy, distracted, unclear.
It seems appropriate somehow that this happened in the winter. I am cold, almost dead. But there is hope of renewal in the spring. And already, despite it all, there are signs of life.
It seems appropriate somehow that this happened in the winter. I am cold, almost dead. But there is hope of renewal in the spring. And already, despite it all, there are signs of life.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sunday, December 05, 2010
Doubt.
I find myself questioning whether what I've clung to as a quiet strength is really just laying down as a doormat and letting him walk all over me. How did things get so confused? I feel used and angry and spent. I tell myself that this is just another phase that will pass, that I must ride it through.
We don't always know what's good for us. And even when we suspect we do, we don;t always choose it.
I don't know where we're going from here. I'm scared too. Afraid that I'm making a big mistake. Afraid of what it'll mean if I voice that fear. I mean, there's a reason he asked for an open marriage, right> There are things he needs to sort out. And it's in our best interests to allow him to do so.
And I have had my life on hold for far too long. Honestly, I have secretly resented it. It might feel like a huge leap backwards, but I would like to believe that this is what it will take to move forward.
I am riddles with doubt, And I grieve for my marriage. I'm not the best housewife, but I *loved* being wifey. I need to be needed, to support and encourage and care for someone.
It's all gone, then. The happy house in my mind I thought we were building is gutted and vacant, wiring exposed, walls half-built: the nursery, his gaming den, my recording studio...dust, all of it. Pack away the white picket fence, the preternaturally green lawn, the cheery decor. Shut it down, bar the doors, send in the bankers with their calculating eyes and cold, hard pencils, scribbling busily away. Let them take it all away.
My heart is broken. But I want to believe. I want to believe in love, and hope. And beauty in the world.
Things were so hard when we were starting out. We had so many regrets. I wish... If only... Why couldn't...? My answer was always the same: because that's what it took for us to be together, that's what it took to find you, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.
And now...I just don't know.
And I have had my life on hold for far too long. Honestly, I have secretly resented it. It might feel like a huge leap backwards, but I would like to believe that this is what it will take to move forward.
I am riddles with doubt, And I grieve for my marriage. I'm not the best housewife, but I *loved* being wifey. I need to be needed, to support and encourage and care for someone.
It's all gone, then. The happy house in my mind I thought we were building is gutted and vacant, wiring exposed, walls half-built: the nursery, his gaming den, my recording studio...dust, all of it. Pack away the white picket fence, the preternaturally green lawn, the cheery decor. Shut it down, bar the doors, send in the bankers with their calculating eyes and cold, hard pencils, scribbling busily away. Let them take it all away.
My heart is broken. But I want to believe. I want to believe in love, and hope. And beauty in the world.
Things were so hard when we were starting out. We had so many regrets. I wish... If only... Why couldn't...? My answer was always the same: because that's what it took for us to be together, that's what it took to find you, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.
And now...I just don't know.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Not mine anymore
There's a pale band on my finger
Where your ring used to be
There's a hollow space where my heart was
Wind whistles right through
I hate you
I love you
Every five minutes I break down
Though you're killing me right now you're still
The one who knows me best in this world.
Take these tears
Take this pain
I don't need it
I don't need you
I just want you
But what good is wanting what you can't have?
Where your ring used to be
There's a hollow space where my heart was
Wind whistles right through
I hate you
I love you
Every five minutes I break down
Though you're killing me right now you're still
The one who knows me best in this world.
Take these tears
Take this pain
I don't need it
I don't need you
I just want you
But what good is wanting what you can't have?
Monday, November 15, 2010
I've never been broken up with before, but "It's not you, it's me." seems to be the standard line anywhere.
I can't help it, though. I guess everyone feels a need to a find a thread of fault somewhere. Maybe if I hadn't let myself go, maybe if i'd changed my name...
He wants an easy transition. He's actually asking for an open marriage in the interim, while "we" sort things out. Friends and roommates, who are free to date other people. It seems selfish and cruel to me, to put us both through all this and then keep everything exactly the same. We have no kids, no house or other property to fight over. A divorce makes the most sense, doesn't it? Why in this convoluted mess do *I* have to ask *him* for that?
Although it seemed sudden to me, he argues that it's actually the culmination of a number of issues for him, mainly that he never wanted to get married in the first place. There are a lot of things I wondered about in my marriage that I just shrugged off: why he never pressed me to change my last name to his. Why after ten years I still call his parents Tita Lyd and Tito Ramon, as if they're just another classmate's parents. Why he never introduced me to any of his coworkers, or his friends from his car forum.
When we got married we were in love, but there was some pressure for us to marry because he had been brought here by his parents and overstayed his tourist visa by a few years. I think that relief was the main thing that the union brought for him. Relief from the parental worry, from fear of deportation, from uncertainty about his being here. I cam here of course expecting what every new bride does: fall in love, get married, have kids. The kids part surprised him. Wasn't it enough just to finally be together?
It became such a sticking point in our relationship that eventually I had to settle for, "We'll talk about it in a few years." We both hoped he'd warm to the idea, especially as his friends and siblings began families of their own. As time passed I grew hopeful. He is such a good uncle to his nieces. We began talking about baby names.
And then Friday night happened. And nothing's been the same since.
He wants an easy transition. He's actually asking for an open marriage in the interim, while "we" sort things out. Friends and roommates, who are free to date other people. It seems selfish and cruel to me, to put us both through all this and then keep everything exactly the same. We have no kids, no house or other property to fight over. A divorce makes the most sense, doesn't it? Why in this convoluted mess do *I* have to ask *him* for that?
Although it seemed sudden to me, he argues that it's actually the culmination of a number of issues for him, mainly that he never wanted to get married in the first place. There are a lot of things I wondered about in my marriage that I just shrugged off: why he never pressed me to change my last name to his. Why after ten years I still call his parents Tita Lyd and Tito Ramon, as if they're just another classmate's parents. Why he never introduced me to any of his coworkers, or his friends from his car forum.
When we got married we were in love, but there was some pressure for us to marry because he had been brought here by his parents and overstayed his tourist visa by a few years. I think that relief was the main thing that the union brought for him. Relief from the parental worry, from fear of deportation, from uncertainty about his being here. I cam here of course expecting what every new bride does: fall in love, get married, have kids. The kids part surprised him. Wasn't it enough just to finally be together?
It became such a sticking point in our relationship that eventually I had to settle for, "We'll talk about it in a few years." We both hoped he'd warm to the idea, especially as his friends and siblings began families of their own. As time passed I grew hopeful. He is such a good uncle to his nieces. We began talking about baby names.
And then Friday night happened. And nothing's been the same since.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
I find my emotions run high this week.
Understatement, I know.
Feelings pass, like clouds in the sky. I am trying not to do anything I might regret.
I am hoping some semblance of us survives this. We are both hoping to emerge friends. When I am not hateful or breaking down in tears, we are still the person who knows the other best in the world.
He says this is the most painful thing he's ever had to do, that if he'd had a gun he would have just ended it. I told him he doesn't get off that easy. He's doing this to us, and he had better do something with it, he'd better see it through.
He says we both know who the bigger person is here.
None of it helps, tho, y'know? 32 years old and all alone, and no matter how many guys tell you that you're the best thing that ever happened to them, it doesn't change a goddamn thing.
Feelings pass, like clouds in the sky. I am trying not to do anything I might regret.
I am hoping some semblance of us survives this. We are both hoping to emerge friends. When I am not hateful or breaking down in tears, we are still the person who knows the other best in the world.
He says this is the most painful thing he's ever had to do, that if he'd had a gun he would have just ended it. I told him he doesn't get off that easy. He's doing this to us, and he had better do something with it, he'd better see it through.
He says we both know who the bigger person is here.
None of it helps, tho, y'know? 32 years old and all alone, and no matter how many guys tell you that you're the best thing that ever happened to them, it doesn't change a goddamn thing.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Last night, he ended it.
Just like that.
April 16th next year we would have been our ten year anniversary. We never made it.
The simplest explanation is that he's found someone else. He's dumping me for a blonde, 20-year-old model, who's witty and into cars. They're not talking forever - yet. But he does want to see where this leads, and to explore the...single life, I guess. The life he might otherwise have had these past ten years.
I am so stupid. It makes sense now that he never wore his wedding ring, he never introduced me as his wife. I never met any of his coworkers or the people he knows from his car forum. Ten years. Ten FUCKING years.
I"m so lost. It's been amicable, and I have been reasonable and curiously still - when I am not bursting into tears, which I have been sporadically since 8 o'clock last night. Though I know all the answers, because we've talked and talked about this, the same questions rail in my head, "Why don't you love me anymore? What did I do wrong? Why are you doing this? What are you doing to us?!"
Can't seem to get my head on straight. Changed my FaceBook profile pic to one of us, in the sunlight, holding drinks. Though it makes me cry to look at it, I want to see it up there. I want to be reminded that we had *something*. We have so few pictures, so few...
I want to chop my hair off and paint myself a mask, a cruel mask that is tough enough to take this, because I can't, I can't...
April 16th next year we would have been our ten year anniversary. We never made it.
The simplest explanation is that he's found someone else. He's dumping me for a blonde, 20-year-old model, who's witty and into cars. They're not talking forever - yet. But he does want to see where this leads, and to explore the...single life, I guess. The life he might otherwise have had these past ten years.
I am so stupid. It makes sense now that he never wore his wedding ring, he never introduced me as his wife. I never met any of his coworkers or the people he knows from his car forum. Ten years. Ten FUCKING years.
I"m so lost. It's been amicable, and I have been reasonable and curiously still - when I am not bursting into tears, which I have been sporadically since 8 o'clock last night. Though I know all the answers, because we've talked and talked about this, the same questions rail in my head, "Why don't you love me anymore? What did I do wrong? Why are you doing this? What are you doing to us?!"
Can't seem to get my head on straight. Changed my FaceBook profile pic to one of us, in the sunlight, holding drinks. Though it makes me cry to look at it, I want to see it up there. I want to be reminded that we had *something*. We have so few pictures, so few...
I want to chop my hair off and paint myself a mask, a cruel mask that is tough enough to take this, because I can't, I can't...
Friday, November 12, 2010
Friday, November 05, 2010
On growing up.
While the goal for me is to be old when I am young and young when I am old, in practice I am merely erratic and vacillate between the two. Much of the problem I feel lies in a failure to reconcile with myself, to understand that to get where I am now I had to leave things behind. Also too, the lesson of how choices exclude others is something I have not truly taken to heart.
Monday, October 25, 2010
The first lesson is this:
Life is hard.
Once you master that, though life may not be easier, it can be taken from a healthier perspective from which true, grounded happiness is a possibility.
Once you master that, though life may not be easier, it can be taken from a healthier perspective from which true, grounded happiness is a possibility.
Friday, October 22, 2010
About that other post...
If the question is, what am I doing, the answer is, I really don't know.
You know how sometimes a song wriggles its way into your head and plays over and over, overriding everything else and driving you completely insane? Well, snippets of prose get to me that same way sometimes. I think it's because I've gone too long without writing. It's very weird, tho. This one's like a clip from a Harlequin romance; takes all sorts, I suppose.
I should blog more. If only so it doesn't build up into, well, that.
~*~*~*
I'm sorry I've been away for so long. Not much to report. Still at the same workplace. I've taken on a new position, which entails a crappy, irregular schedule for $2 more an hour. I have a YouTube channel now, which I try to update at least once a week with homemade vocal recordings. At 152 lbs I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life, but I can't seem to stop eating. Got a bodybugg, and learned I burn between 2,000 and 3,00 calories a day, so I'm happy about that.
Cocoa's fine, the cat is fine, the apartment's still a mess. Patrick's fine. Still don't have a car or a driver's license. We stopped taking piano lessons, and so my lovely PX-120 has fallen silent.
Resolutions:
Cook more, write more, clean up around the house. Oh, and buy new shoes. It's been a while. Ventured out to DSW a few times, but have yet to fall in love with anything. And it's hard to wear heels all day in a retail job with all this extra weight.
You know how sometimes a song wriggles its way into your head and plays over and over, overriding everything else and driving you completely insane? Well, snippets of prose get to me that same way sometimes. I think it's because I've gone too long without writing. It's very weird, tho. This one's like a clip from a Harlequin romance; takes all sorts, I suppose.
I should blog more. If only so it doesn't build up into, well, that.
~*~*~*
I'm sorry I've been away for so long. Not much to report. Still at the same workplace. I've taken on a new position, which entails a crappy, irregular schedule for $2 more an hour. I have a YouTube channel now, which I try to update at least once a week with homemade vocal recordings. At 152 lbs I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life, but I can't seem to stop eating. Got a bodybugg, and learned I burn between 2,000 and 3,00 calories a day, so I'm happy about that.
Cocoa's fine, the cat is fine, the apartment's still a mess. Patrick's fine. Still don't have a car or a driver's license. We stopped taking piano lessons, and so my lovely PX-120 has fallen silent.
Resolutions:
Cook more, write more, clean up around the house. Oh, and buy new shoes. It's been a while. Ventured out to DSW a few times, but have yet to fall in love with anything. And it's hard to wear heels all day in a retail job with all this extra weight.
snippet
She is mesmerized by his hands, by his long fingers. They flick and wave as he speaks, and she is enthralled. She imagines his hands sliding gently along the curves of her body, sees those fingers tangled in her hair, pulling urgently, insistently, until she screams...
"What do you think?" he asks.
I'm sorry, what?
"What do you think?" he asks.
I'm sorry, what?
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Cornbread for one.
I hardly ever cook these days, but when I do, it's for a crowd. Preparing instant meals doesn't count.
I've been meaning to do a big chili thing for while, which means a lot of chopping, and stirring every fifteen minutes, and chopped onions and shredded cheese on the side, as well as Fritos for frito pie, and cornbread to complement it. As you can imagine, it's quite a production. Of *course* I've been putting it off.
After lunch today, I suddenly felt like having cornbread. I already have all the ingredients, but I didn't want to launch into the chili-making process. And so I made just one recipe. Just one! It feels so strange: selfish and indulgent and totally new.
Since it's such a small batch, I figured I might as well make it really easy and individual by using cupcake liners. Cornbread muffins! In pretty pastel liners! It's actually an awesome delivery system for them, as I can simply heat one, break it in half and smear on the butter. Good times.
I've been meaning to do a big chili thing for while, which means a lot of chopping, and stirring every fifteen minutes, and chopped onions and shredded cheese on the side, as well as Fritos for frito pie, and cornbread to complement it. As you can imagine, it's quite a production. Of *course* I've been putting it off.
After lunch today, I suddenly felt like having cornbread. I already have all the ingredients, but I didn't want to launch into the chili-making process. And so I made just one recipe. Just one! It feels so strange: selfish and indulgent and totally new.
Since it's such a small batch, I figured I might as well make it really easy and individual by using cupcake liners. Cornbread muffins! In pretty pastel liners! It's actually an awesome delivery system for them, as I can simply heat one, break it in half and smear on the butter. Good times.
Friday, October 08, 2010
Daria, Daria, Daria
AUGHH!!!
I'm funny this way: I'm mainstream, at one remove. I listen to pop music, but usually through covers by my favorite YouTube artists, and if enough of them cover it I'll look up the original. I also don't watch broadcast television, but will happen upon an old TV show and slog through all seasons if it piques my interest.
One such show is MTV's Daria (1997-2002), who I guess would be the smartest, dryly funny 5-year-old ever to grace the boob tube. It's a funny thing about TV series: follow a show long enough and see the characters through enough ups and downs, and you feel like they're you're friends.
I just finished watching Episode 52: "Fire!" and it's wrenching at my heart. Daria's best friend in the world is Jane, and her new (and first-ever?) boyfriend is the smart and handsome Tom. She thinks the world of him, and they get along great, but don't match up intellectually.
Jane and Tom have been going steady for a while now, and in the beginning Daria resented Tom for infringing on her time with Jane (Episode 41: Partner's Complaint). She gradually warmed up to him, most notably in Episode 46: I Loathe a Parade.
Currently (from my perspective, anyway) the two are civil, but it appears that Tom is looking an intellectual wavelength, and clearly he and Daria resonate (sorry if I'm beginning to ride the metaphor, but it plays well). Of all people, Daria's mostly-oblivious crush Trent points out to Daria that Tom seems to be into her.
I feel for them all:
Jane, who is beginning to realize she and Tom may not be the best fit, but cannot give up on the relationship.
Tom, who has a great girl but appreciates the connection he has with Daria.
Daria, afraid to hurt her friend, or lose the budding friendship. Also a little hurt to sort of be "given away" by Trent.
Trent, who may or may not have feelings for Daria under the casual cool musician vibe, having to advise Daria to pay attention when it might be in his interest for her not to.
God, I love this show. And yes, I know, I'm *such* a girl.
I'm funny this way: I'm mainstream, at one remove. I listen to pop music, but usually through covers by my favorite YouTube artists, and if enough of them cover it I'll look up the original. I also don't watch broadcast television, but will happen upon an old TV show and slog through all seasons if it piques my interest.
One such show is MTV's Daria (1997-2002), who I guess would be the smartest, dryly funny 5-year-old ever to grace the boob tube. It's a funny thing about TV series: follow a show long enough and see the characters through enough ups and downs, and you feel like they're you're friends.
I just finished watching Episode 52: "Fire!" and it's wrenching at my heart. Daria's best friend in the world is Jane, and her new (and first-ever?) boyfriend is the smart and handsome Tom. She thinks the world of him, and they get along great, but don't match up intellectually.
Jane and Tom have been going steady for a while now, and in the beginning Daria resented Tom for infringing on her time with Jane (Episode 41: Partner's Complaint). She gradually warmed up to him, most notably in Episode 46: I Loathe a Parade.
Currently (from my perspective, anyway) the two are civil, but it appears that Tom is looking an intellectual wavelength, and clearly he and Daria resonate (sorry if I'm beginning to ride the metaphor, but it plays well). Of all people, Daria's mostly-oblivious crush Trent points out to Daria that Tom seems to be into her.
I feel for them all:
Jane, who is beginning to realize she and Tom may not be the best fit, but cannot give up on the relationship.
Tom, who has a great girl but appreciates the connection he has with Daria.
Daria, afraid to hurt her friend, or lose the budding friendship. Also a little hurt to sort of be "given away" by Trent.
Trent, who may or may not have feelings for Daria under the casual cool musician vibe, having to advise Daria to pay attention when it might be in his interest for her not to.
God, I love this show. And yes, I know, I'm *such* a girl.
Thursday, September 02, 2010
I don't pray, but if I did
I might ask to feel a little more than
less-than
to be a little closer to
whole.
less-than
to be a little closer to
whole.
He doesn't like to see me like this. He wants to hear that I am in actual pain, that there is something organic and tangible we can treat, we can medicate.
The Pit, the Abyss, the Void has found me again.
I've done too well for too long. It's only right.
These feelings too, will pass.
They well up inside me, waves crashing on the jagged rocks of my self-esteem.
Worthlessnes: crash.
Despair: crash.
Self-loathing: crash.
Or something like that. I don't know if I'm making sense.
People are sheep and the Void is inevitable but they bleat on blindly as if the world makes sense, as if it's anything but cruel and meaningless but we who are different, who are damaged and broken and slightly off know better.
YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY, it tells me.
YOU WILL NEVER FIT IN.
YOU WILL NEVER BE FREE OF ME.
Shut
the fuck
up.
The Pit, the Abyss, the Void has found me again.
I've done too well for too long. It's only right.
These feelings too, will pass.
They well up inside me, waves crashing on the jagged rocks of my self-esteem.
Worthlessnes: crash.
Despair: crash.
Self-loathing: crash.
Or something like that. I don't know if I'm making sense.
People are sheep and the Void is inevitable but they bleat on blindly as if the world makes sense, as if it's anything but cruel and meaningless but we who are different, who are damaged and broken and slightly off know better.
YOU WILL NEVER BE HAPPY, it tells me.
YOU WILL NEVER FIT IN.
YOU WILL NEVER BE FREE OF ME.
Shut
the fuck
up.
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Badly wanting what I can't have.
I need shoes, but none of these are available in my size and preferred color. (sigh) Not to mention I wish they were all just $50 each...
Bebe Liza in Leopard Patent
Bebe Scarlett Printed Scarf Sandal
Charles David Encounter in Red
Jessica Simpson Taneala in Chili or Zebra
Bebe Liza in Leopard Patent
Bebe Scarlett Printed Scarf Sandal
Charles David Encounter in Red
Jessica Simpson Taneala in Chili or Zebra
Friday, July 09, 2010
I don't meant to lean on you as much as I do,
but it seems that whenever I need a friend
you're always there.
Thank you.
A million times, thank you.
you're always there.
Thank you.
A million times, thank you.
Saturday, July 03, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
shields up
It's been days now, and still I'm so tight, especially at my temples, jaw and shoulder blades. So forgive me if you find me with my brow furrowed, jaw clenched, shoulders tense: I'm not bracing for a fight, my body just thinks it is. It takes conscious effort to reset myself. Luz too says she is hurt, and healing.
I don't want to be stressed. I don't want to be sad or angry or anything other than what I was right before that meeting that morning. But it seems that until I find some kind of closure, I will remain on the defensive. I wish I knew what to do, what to look or ask for.
I don't want to be stressed. I don't want to be sad or angry or anything other than what I was right before that meeting that morning. But it seems that until I find some kind of closure, I will remain on the defensive. I wish I knew what to do, what to look or ask for.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
I have laughed and cried and cussed and slept since then,
I tell myself it's okay.
Obviously it's not.
In quiet moments I find I am riddled with self-doubt, like so much emotional Swiss cheese. I stepped out into the warm air tonight and saw an airplane's lights twinkling above the crescent moon.
~"can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars/
I could really use a wish right now"~
Obviously it's not.
In quiet moments I find I am riddled with self-doubt, like so much emotional Swiss cheese. I stepped out into the warm air tonight and saw an airplane's lights twinkling above the crescent moon.
~"can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars/
I could really use a wish right now"~
Monday, June 07, 2010
funk
I awoke enraged, and pray to the universe
in my way
for succor:
"Quiet,
please -
for this raging mind."
Anger is exhausting.
Especially the senseless kind.
in my way
for succor:
"Quiet,
please -
for this raging mind."
Anger is exhausting.
Especially the senseless kind.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
The continuing adventures of Farah in SmartPhoneLand
Two weeks ago, Patrick asked if I'd gotten the text he'd sent me around noon. "No," I replied. We compared phones. He'd sent it, but it never arrived.
The following day I picked up a phone call, which apparently had been the caller's third consecutive attempt to reach me. As far as my phone was concerned, it was the first.
Since then I've been using the hubby's old RAZR V3 while waiting for my phone plan to end. Patrick's had an HTC HD2 for a couple of months now, and I've had smartphone envy for about as long.
Yesterday I was excited because we got me a Samsung Behold II. I didn't have any requirements at the time, though Patrick tried to help me narrow things down, enumerating factors that had helped him decide: screen resolution, size, build quality, etc. I just wanted a smartphone, and I wanted an Android so I could have the newfangled Swype texting capability. I'm sure you've seen the commercials - the one about the world's fastest text message?
Anyway, someone had messed with two of the demo phones at the T-Mobile store, and they were busy, so we just bought the Behold and left. When I got home tried texting. It was such a mess. I'd gotten used to T9, and wasn't ready for a QWERTY touchscreen. Even the T9 keypad was difficult for me, since I'm used to larger, tangible keys. Also, I'm not used to typing with two thumbs. I tried one-finger typing since that's easiest for me, but the calibration seems to be adjusted for two thumbs: keys on the left side of the screen register taps slightly to the right. There doesn't seem to be a way to calibrate it. Or i could be wrong and the phone just needs to be calibrated, but I've already tried resetting the phone and it hasn't helped.
And the Swype feature I wanted? Not available on my phone. Apparently, it's limited to just the newer models of three phones: the HTC HD2, myTouch 3G, and the Motorola Cliq.
We revisited the T-Mobile store again today hoping to exchange it for a myTouch 3G, but after learning that the myTouch 3G Slide is coming out on Wednesday I reluctantly agreed to wait till then. The Slide features, among other things:
the new Android 2.1 software;
Faves Gallery, which is kind of like the social feature of the Cliq, but narrowed down to only all the (email, text, twitter, IM, social networking) updates of your 20 nearest and dearest;
Genius button which allows you to talk to your phone and for it to talk back. I'm not kidding! We're talking commands, calls, texts, emails, even web searches.
The following day I picked up a phone call, which apparently had been the caller's third consecutive attempt to reach me. As far as my phone was concerned, it was the first.
Since then I've been using the hubby's old RAZR V3 while waiting for my phone plan to end. Patrick's had an HTC HD2 for a couple of months now, and I've had smartphone envy for about as long.
Yesterday I was excited because we got me a Samsung Behold II. I didn't have any requirements at the time, though Patrick tried to help me narrow things down, enumerating factors that had helped him decide: screen resolution, size, build quality, etc. I just wanted a smartphone, and I wanted an Android so I could have the newfangled Swype texting capability. I'm sure you've seen the commercials - the one about the world's fastest text message?
Anyway, someone had messed with two of the demo phones at the T-Mobile store, and they were busy, so we just bought the Behold and left. When I got home tried texting. It was such a mess. I'd gotten used to T9, and wasn't ready for a QWERTY touchscreen. Even the T9 keypad was difficult for me, since I'm used to larger, tangible keys. Also, I'm not used to typing with two thumbs. I tried one-finger typing since that's easiest for me, but the calibration seems to be adjusted for two thumbs: keys on the left side of the screen register taps slightly to the right. There doesn't seem to be a way to calibrate it. Or i could be wrong and the phone just needs to be calibrated, but I've already tried resetting the phone and it hasn't helped.
And the Swype feature I wanted? Not available on my phone. Apparently, it's limited to just the newer models of three phones: the HTC HD2, myTouch 3G, and the Motorola Cliq.
We revisited the T-Mobile store again today hoping to exchange it for a myTouch 3G, but after learning that the myTouch 3G Slide is coming out on Wednesday I reluctantly agreed to wait till then. The Slide features, among other things:
the new Android 2.1 software;
Faves Gallery, which is kind of like the social feature of the Cliq, but narrowed down to only all the (email, text, twitter, IM, social networking) updates of your 20 nearest and dearest;
Genius button which allows you to talk to your phone and for it to talk back. I'm not kidding! We're talking commands, calls, texts, emails, even web searches.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Bruce Wayne's house
There's a huge house we always pass by on the way to visit friends. Not knowing the owners, we call it Bruce Wayne's house. From my vantage point along Independence the house seemed merely big, until one day I realized the little, distant cars parked there were actually SUVs, and the house itself is humongous. It's also for sale right now.
Patrick and I made a deal: if we win the Powerball jackpot, we're buying this house. I guessed it was maybe $1M to 2M, he pegged it at $5M. We were both wrong: it's $3,500,000 even.
It's really not my style - I've always favored Mediterranean houses with modern sensibilities. I like open floor plans, light-colored stucco and red tiled roofs. I don't really care for their darker, Tuscan country-style cousins.
I can still appreciate the owners' homey touches: it's clear throughout that their home reflects their style: warm, down-to-earth, and welcoming. It's not the overstaged design showcase that most homes in this price range tend to be. A family lives here, and from the look of it, quite comfortably indeed.
Feel free to buy it for me: it's a lovely place. I could probably get used to
"...a tennis court, 3 sports fields, a barn, a pool and a gazebo. The property has a privacy gate, circular drive, porte-cochere and separate study with a full bath connected to the garages. The home has 5 Liv. areas, granite counters, sub-zero, hand scraped hardwoods and many built-ins. Feels like living in the country!"
Okay, the barn, not so much. Ebby link below.
11900 Independence Parkway
Frisco, TX
75035
Patrick and I made a deal: if we win the Powerball jackpot, we're buying this house. I guessed it was maybe $1M to 2M, he pegged it at $5M. We were both wrong: it's $3,500,000 even.
It's really not my style - I've always favored Mediterranean houses with modern sensibilities. I like open floor plans, light-colored stucco and red tiled roofs. I don't really care for their darker, Tuscan country-style cousins.
I can still appreciate the owners' homey touches: it's clear throughout that their home reflects their style: warm, down-to-earth, and welcoming. It's not the overstaged design showcase that most homes in this price range tend to be. A family lives here, and from the look of it, quite comfortably indeed.
Feel free to buy it for me: it's a lovely place. I could probably get used to
"...a tennis court, 3 sports fields, a barn, a pool and a gazebo. The property has a privacy gate, circular drive, porte-cochere and separate study with a full bath connected to the garages. The home has 5 Liv. areas, granite counters, sub-zero, hand scraped hardwoods and many built-ins. Feels like living in the country!"
Okay, the barn, not so much. Ebby link below.
11900 Independence Parkway
Frisco, TX
75035
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Orion
On nights when the sky is clear, and the stars bright
and Orion's belt clearly visible
-the one constellation I know, the one you taught me that night
under so many stars, long ago -
I think of you
and hope, wherever you are
you are happy.
and Orion's belt clearly visible
-the one constellation I know, the one you taught me that night
under so many stars, long ago -
I think of you
and hope, wherever you are
you are happy.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Talking to Myself in Private
Have you ever been so bored you were not only talking to yourself, but psychoanalyzing both sides of you holding the conversation? The predicament I find myself in this week reminds me of the scene in "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End" where Jack Sparrow is alone with an entire crew of himself (himselves? his selves?), none of whom would listen to Captain Jack.
I'm a little bit of a bitchy boss, and an unenthusiastic underling. Work is getting done regardless, I just wish it weren't so booooring.
The goal is to get my apartment from "OHMYGODWASTHEREANEARTHQUAKE?!" to merely "I'm so sorry I didn't call ahead; clearly you weren't expecting company."
My kitchen. Before:
And after: I have counters?!
I'm a little bit of a bitchy boss, and an unenthusiastic underling. Work is getting done regardless, I just wish it weren't so booooring.
The goal is to get my apartment from "OHMYGODWASTHEREANEARTHQUAKE?!" to merely "I'm so sorry I didn't call ahead; clearly you weren't expecting company."
My kitchen. Before:
And after: I have counters?!
Friday, March 26, 2010
if i were truly honest, i would say that
i've been in hell these past two weeks
i am alone, unutterably alone, and faltering
denying my secret sorrow does not bring some obscure personal honor - it's killing me.
I still don't know if the temporary patch that relieves some of it is actually making things worse. Or is it harmless distraction? I dunno. I only know that something *must* change: things cannot go on like this.
I only wish I knew the right thing to do.
i am alone, unutterably alone, and faltering
denying my secret sorrow does not bring some obscure personal honor - it's killing me.
I still don't know if the temporary patch that relieves some of it is actually making things worse. Or is it harmless distraction? I dunno. I only know that something *must* change: things cannot go on like this.
I only wish I knew the right thing to do.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
In a nutshell,
Cocoa hasn't been feeling well this past week. We had planned on bringing her to the vet Monday afternoon after work. But at 3 o'clock this morning she vomited blood, and we brought her to the emergency animal hospital.
Tests and x-rays revealed a life-threatening infection. If she went home, she would die. They had to operate. $2000 and several hours later she is stable, but they need to keep her for observation. They close at 8 a.m. tomorrow, so we need to transfer her to our regular vet in the morning.
Tests and x-rays revealed a life-threatening infection. If she went home, she would die. They had to operate. $2000 and several hours later she is stable, but they need to keep her for observation. They close at 8 a.m. tomorrow, so we need to transfer her to our regular vet in the morning.
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Red shoe craves:
Bebe Liza Platform pump
$149 at bebe.com
Jessica Simpson Taneala
$89.99 at heels.com
Bebe Bailey
$119 at bebe.com
$149 at bebe.com
Jessica Simpson Taneala
$89.99 at heels.com
Bebe Bailey
$119 at bebe.com
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
my windfall philosophy
I always tell Patrick:
If we win the lottery we have two choices:
live rich, and have to work the rest of our lives or
quit our jobs, live normal, comfortable lives and
never have to work.
If we win the lottery we have two choices:
live rich, and have to work the rest of our lives or
quit our jobs, live normal, comfortable lives and
never have to work.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
how come no one ever told me
that manugang means daughter- or son-in-law?
I've been using it to refer to my in-laws forever!
the correct word is biyenan.
Syet.
I've been using it to refer to my in-laws forever!
the correct word is biyenan.
Syet.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
How to Not Cook
I've been having some powerful food cravings lately, which I think are the result of months of subsisting on ready-made food. But since said subsistence also ingrains a powerful need to make do with as little effort as possible, I've found ways to feed my cravings without actually cooking. Here are the results:
Elote
1 can Green Giant Mexicorn, or simply canned corn
fat-free cottage cheese
mayonnaise
ground cayenne pepper
salt
pepper
When I want Mexican-style street corn I drain a can of Mexicorn and add in the remaining ingredients listed above, to taste.
~*~*~*
Gooey Bites
1 Snickers bar
nutella spread
Cut a Snickers bar into four. Coat each piece with nutella spread. Die a sticky, chocolatey death.
~*~*~*
Fake Japanese
cooked rice
1 can tuna, drained
wasabi paste
lite soy sauce
Patrick actually came up with this. You heat the rice then mix in the tuna. In a separate bowl combine wasabi paste and soy sauce to taste. Add to tuna-rice mixture.
I know, I'm semi-homemade- and ghetto-fabulous.
Elote
1 can Green Giant Mexicorn, or simply canned corn
fat-free cottage cheese
mayonnaise
ground cayenne pepper
salt
pepper
When I want Mexican-style street corn I drain a can of Mexicorn and add in the remaining ingredients listed above, to taste.
~*~*~*
Gooey Bites
1 Snickers bar
nutella spread
Cut a Snickers bar into four. Coat each piece with nutella spread. Die a sticky, chocolatey death.
~*~*~*
Fake Japanese
cooked rice
1 can tuna, drained
wasabi paste
lite soy sauce
Patrick actually came up with this. You heat the rice then mix in the tuna. In a separate bowl combine wasabi paste and soy sauce to taste. Add to tuna-rice mixture.
I know, I'm semi-homemade- and ghetto-fabulous.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Happy New Year!
I know, I'm late. Even for Chinese New Year.
Been mulling over firing up this old thing again. Also considering dusting off my Tagalog and creating another mirror blog, in the mother tongue this time, with help from Google Translate. They simplify my process, I turn in my edits to improve their translation database, and everyone wins.
I'm 30 now. And I Twitter now. Other than that, nothing new to report, really.
Been mulling over firing up this old thing again. Also considering dusting off my Tagalog and creating another mirror blog, in the mother tongue this time, with help from Google Translate. They simplify my process, I turn in my edits to improve their translation database, and everyone wins.
I'm 30 now. And I Twitter now. Other than that, nothing new to report, really.
~*~*~*
Would it be tacky to wear these shoes for July 4th? I wanted them for Obama's Inauguration, but thought of it too late.
Pleaser Electra
Pleaser Electra
$53.97 at Summit Fashions, from $90.99
Saturday, November 29, 2008
The search for red tartan plaid heels
On Black Friday I glimpsed pointy shoes and bright red plaid, but before I could inquire as to their provenance they vanished in the throng of deal-hungry shoppers. I'm not sure, but they might have been these:
Sugar Fergie Flat
$25.30(53% off - was $54.00) at 6pm.com
And so it is that in the spirit of the Christmas season I find myself looking for red tartan plaid high-heeled shoes that speak to me.
These are my ideal plaid shoe, but I can't find them anywhere:
Sam Edelman Lady Red Plaid Pump with Bow
$34.98 before it was out of stock at SmartBargains.com
~*~*~*
And so I'm stuck with fetish footwear like:
Pleaser red plaid mary jane
$34.99 from $50.74
You Save: $15.75 (31%)
From seller Costume Alibi via Amazon.com
or, God forbid, these numbers
Lucious red plaid and lucite 6" sandals
$53 from $82.15 (35% off)
Pinupshoes.com
~*~*~*
Even though the rugged materials are an incongruous combination with that height of heel, I do rather like the look of these:
KORS MICHAEL KORS Women's Stream
$295.00 With Free Shipping
Shoes.com
I wonder then if I shouldn't throw all regard for style to the winds and get these:
Sugar Women's Rockband Grande
$90.00 With Free Shipping
Shoes.com
Sugar Fergie Flat
$25.30(53% off - was $54.00) at 6pm.com
And so it is that in the spirit of the Christmas season I find myself looking for red tartan plaid high-heeled shoes that speak to me.
These are my ideal plaid shoe, but I can't find them anywhere:
Sam Edelman Lady Red Plaid Pump with Bow
$34.98 before it was out of stock at SmartBargains.com
~*~*~*
And so I'm stuck with fetish footwear like:
Pleaser red plaid mary jane
$34.99 from $50.74
You Save: $15.75 (31%)
From seller Costume Alibi via Amazon.com
or, God forbid, these numbers
Lucious red plaid and lucite 6" sandals
$53 from $82.15 (35% off)
Pinupshoes.com
~*~*~*
Even though the rugged materials are an incongruous combination with that height of heel, I do rather like the look of these:
KORS MICHAEL KORS Women's Stream
$295.00 With Free Shipping
Shoes.com
I wonder then if I shouldn't throw all regard for style to the winds and get these:
Sugar Women's Rockband Grande
$90.00 With Free Shipping
Shoes.com
Sunday, November 16, 2008
living as if
Wasn't that my blog title at one point?
~*~*~*
"The thing is to Live As If. Live As If you were truly free. Live As If you were surrounded by intelligent, capable people. Live As If your decisions mattered in the general scheme of things. Live As If art, literature, music, the cinema really mattered. Live As If other people were just like you. I don’t mean you should tiptoe through the tulips and delude yourself that everything is wonderful. I mean you must resist. I mean you must not let idiots dictate how you live your life. Stupidity is a given; do not hold yourself back because you think you’re surrounded by it. Do not give in to the tyranny of surveys, trends, and conventional wisdom. You are the product of millions of years of evolution. Organisms mutated, survived, adapted over eons, against huge odds, so that you can be what you are now. Honor your species."
Jessica Zafra
Jessica Rules the Universe
~*~*~*
"The thing is to Live As If. Live As If you were truly free. Live As If you were surrounded by intelligent, capable people. Live As If your decisions mattered in the general scheme of things. Live As If art, literature, music, the cinema really mattered. Live As If other people were just like you. I don’t mean you should tiptoe through the tulips and delude yourself that everything is wonderful. I mean you must resist. I mean you must not let idiots dictate how you live your life. Stupidity is a given; do not hold yourself back because you think you’re surrounded by it. Do not give in to the tyranny of surveys, trends, and conventional wisdom. You are the product of millions of years of evolution. Organisms mutated, survived, adapted over eons, against huge odds, so that you can be what you are now. Honor your species."
Jessica Zafra
Jessica Rules the Universe
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
The new guy
I hired a new personal trainer. His name is Tim, and my confidence in him was bolstered throughout our first session by the number of his coworkers who told me how great he is, how lucky I am to be working with him, and that I'll reach my fitness goals in no time. I've already lost two pounds and one inch of my waistline, and it's only been a week.
My lifestyle changes include:
a tall glass of water first thing in the morning;
a breakfast of old-fashioned oatmeal sweetened with a half-serving of dried berries (blueberries, cranberries or raisins);
a half a peanut butter sandwich with my morning coffee, instead of the usual Texas-size muffin, frosted cinnamon roll or Hostess cupcakes;
low-sodium v8 and a reduced-fat cheese stick for my second snack;
improved posture, to work my abs and back throughout the day;
Watching portion sizes;
I'm supposed to be avoiding carbs after 6 pm, but as long as I see progress I think I'll continue eating a normal dinner.
My lifestyle changes include:
a tall glass of water first thing in the morning;
a breakfast of old-fashioned oatmeal sweetened with a half-serving of dried berries (blueberries, cranberries or raisins);
a half a peanut butter sandwich with my morning coffee, instead of the usual Texas-size muffin, frosted cinnamon roll or Hostess cupcakes;
low-sodium v8 and a reduced-fat cheese stick for my second snack;
improved posture, to work my abs and back throughout the day;
Watching portion sizes;
I'm supposed to be avoiding carbs after 6 pm, but as long as I see progress I think I'll continue eating a normal dinner.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Have I mentioned how much I *love* Netflix?
I got this in my Inbox today:
Dear Farah,
It appears that you accidently returned one of your personal DVDs or CDs in a Netflix envelope. Rest assured, we will send your disc right back to you.
If you haven't already sent back the Netflix movie you intended to return, please include it with your next return along with a note including your name and email address so we can match the movie to your account.
-The Netflix Team
I am mortified. Yes, these things do happen. But still.
It never ceases to amaze me that the Netflix service is so prompt, courteous and professional. In the four years that I've been a subscriber, I've found them to be hands-down the best DVD source anywhere: great selection, user-friendly interface, convenience.
Yes, I'm a heavy user whose usage is throttled, and some titles it seems have been on my queue forever. True too that if you don't time your returns just right you'll have to wait a while to get the new releases. But my experiences with the company when it comes to disc problems (delays, damages, missing discs, or my newest one above) have only reinforced my positive opinion of them.
Dear Farah,
It appears that you accidently returned one of your personal DVDs or CDs in a Netflix envelope. Rest assured, we will send your disc right back to you.
If you haven't already sent back the Netflix movie you intended to return, please include it with your next return along with a note including your name and email address so we can match the movie to your account.
-The Netflix Team
I am mortified. Yes, these things do happen. But still.
It never ceases to amaze me that the Netflix service is so prompt, courteous and professional. In the four years that I've been a subscriber, I've found them to be hands-down the best DVD source anywhere: great selection, user-friendly interface, convenience.
Yes, I'm a heavy user whose usage is throttled, and some titles it seems have been on my queue forever. True too that if you don't time your returns just right you'll have to wait a while to get the new releases. But my experiences with the company when it comes to disc problems (delays, damages, missing discs, or my newest one above) have only reinforced my positive opinion of them.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
500
So I write. Much as I would like to write beautiful, longhand poetry, my penmanship is so far from legible these days that all my morning pages are simply a waste of time and ink. I cannot reread them.
I should have ordered a burrito. I went crazy with the ordering at Aló yesterday, with Patrick not being there, and completely forgot that Hazel's friend Eric had mentioned wanting a burrito. I write. I hope he had fun; he seems like a cool guy.
At 22, they feel old, not having accomplished all they set out to do. Additionally, they feel it's too soon to even think about getting married or having kids; they want to have accomplished careers first.
And all Patrick and I can do is feel sad and frustrated about our own station: not having careers or kids or even just jobs we really really enjoy and find meaningful.
I should have ordered a burrito. I went crazy with the ordering at Aló yesterday, with Patrick not being there, and completely forgot that Hazel's friend Eric had mentioned wanting a burrito. I write. I hope he had fun; he seems like a cool guy.
At 22, they feel old, not having accomplished all they set out to do. Additionally, they feel it's too soon to even think about getting married or having kids; they want to have accomplished careers first.
And all Patrick and I can do is feel sad and frustrated about our own station: not having careers or kids or even just jobs we really really enjoy and find meaningful.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Surprisingly, today was a good workout day. I left the gym refreshed and invigorated, a post-workout feeling I haven't felt in a while. It was my first day back in a week and a half. Since then I've helped out at another store; looked up a friend's concert vid on Youtube; made a Chicagoan(?)-approved Italian beef sandwich, for the first time ever; seen "The Dark Knight"; been offered a travel/service job at $19-an-hour; and been hit on by a strange customer who, upon learning I'm married, replied "Well then, I won't waste any more of your time." and spent the next half-hour helping the brunette Nabisco vendor stock cookies.
Krispy Kreme is making grass flip-flops. I don't know why. I think dSquared's lightning-bolt stilettos are wicked sexy. I'm about the infuse some red into my hair, with the help of L'Oreal Color Pulse in, um, Red Pulse.
Shoe links snagged from Shoewawa.
Krispy Kreme is making grass flip-flops. I don't know why. I think dSquared's lightning-bolt stilettos are wicked sexy. I'm about the infuse some red into my hair, with the help of L'Oreal Color Pulse in, um, Red Pulse.
Shoe links snagged from Shoewawa.
Sunday, July 06, 2008
sunday morning.
Patrick and I are taking a Japanese class. Bukambibig ko 'to lately, probably because we're having so much fun. Instead of learning it all in romaji, we are studying vocabulary as well as the Japanese writing system. It feels odd, having to learn to speak and read and write all over again.
After each class I find myself craving a cheeseburger and fries. Something about the way Japanese rolls off the tongue, I guess. I'm not alone anyway: McDonald's is huge in Japan.
Some tree with dusky pink flowers is in bloom right now, and the heady sticky-sweet fragrance hangs in the air as Cocoa and I walk about the apartment complex. A turkey-size grey tabby stalked us.
We might do brunch today at either the Original Pancake House or The Purple Cow, and afterwards I'd like to check out GameWyze.
After each class I find myself craving a cheeseburger and fries. Something about the way Japanese rolls off the tongue, I guess. I'm not alone anyway: McDonald's is huge in Japan.
Some tree with dusky pink flowers is in bloom right now, and the heady sticky-sweet fragrance hangs in the air as Cocoa and I walk about the apartment complex. A turkey-size grey tabby stalked us.
We might do brunch today at either the Original Pancake House or The Purple Cow, and afterwards I'd like to check out GameWyze.
Saturday, July 05, 2008
Post-independence day summation
The other party paid the $1100 in repairs. I made picadillo this week, for the first time in at least a year. We didn't do anything for July 4th besides bathe Cocoa. I want shoes. And a Blackberry Pearl and red hair and maybe green eyes, but only if they're a watery emerald green. But back to the shoes:
~*~*~*
Fendi satin bow-front pumps
$655 at Neiman Marcus
~*~*~*
Jimmy Choo Metallic T-Strap Heel
$595 at Bergdorf's
Wicked. Fierce.
~*~*~*
Ralph Lauren Collection Satin Slides
$198.03 from $425 at Saks
~*~*~*
Fendi satin bow-front pumps
$655 at Neiman Marcus
~*~*~*
Jimmy Choo Metallic T-Strap Heel
$595 at Bergdorf's
Wicked. Fierce.
~*~*~*
Ralph Lauren Collection Satin Slides
$198.03 from $425 at Saks
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