I will lose myself in you, and resent you for it.

This is my m.o.

I will be everything you could want and hope for me to be, and still be anxious that I'm not doing enough. You will love me -- how could you not? I am all you could have dreamed of, and dying to be more. I am your helpmate, your partner, your backup, your #1 cheerleader, your biggest fan. I am your perfect complement, your soulmate. Ang kabiyak ng iyong puso. The other half of your heart.

And then years of mirroring and balancing you -- propping you up, really -- take their toll. I begin to feel hollow, empty. I mean everything to you and nothing to myself, nothing that really matters, anyway. It makes me sick.

I find myself on the first flight home.

~*~*~*

I hate "Runaway Bride". It hits too close to home. There was a Julia Roberts marathon on TV last weekend, and it got me thinking about that movie.

~*~*~*

When I fall in love with someone new -- whether as a friend or romantic interest -- I immerse myself completely in the other: likes/dislikes, interests, hopes and dreams. But now that I think about it, if someone were to do the same for me, there would be nothing there. None of my so-called interests define me -- all were copied from someone else.

I really, truly, do not exist.