it seems I'm always playing catchup.

I have a laundry list of things to do, both at home and at work. Running as fast as I can just to stay in place.

I still don't know what I'm doing.

All this busyness, yet none of it feeds the soul.

~*~*~*

Currently listening to:

Lauren Whitener - You Don't Know Me
Reba McEntire - Does He Love You
Martina McBride - Concrete Angel
Def Leppard - Have you Ever Needed Someone So Bad

My latest preoccupation has been homestudy with American Idol Singer's Advantage. My kit arrived over the weekend, and I'm practicing Mariah Carey's "Hero". The project has renewed my interest in vocal study, though the nagging thought is that there is just no way I'm going to be ready for American Idol auditions this fall. It's my first and last chance, I know, but I just don't see how it could happen for me. I've got so far to go.

the buzz

Some coworkers and I headed over the Snuffer's after work: for gossip, an alcoholic buzz, and deliciously off-color jokes so uproarious that David the manager had to walk over and ask oh-so-nicely that we please keep it down.

We had so much fun, we've decided to make it a monthly thing.

i'm not going to lie.

I was heartbroken that Melinda didn't make it into the American Idol finale.

Quite frankly, I don't care who wins now. I watched avidly this whole season, looking forward to the next new performance by the backup singer who'd finally decided to step into the spotlight. I wish you the best of luck, Melinda. Can't wait to get your first album!!!

I lurk on her fansite: Melinda Fans

YouTube Highlights of AI Season Six:

Melinda Doolittle, "I Believe in You and Me"

Jordin Sparks, "A Broken Wing"

Blake Lewis, "You Give Love a Bad Name"

Lakisha Jones, "This Ain't a Love Song"

Gina Glocksen, "Call Me When You're Sober"

Loved her too! Reviewing the video, I found myself wishing she were a better singer. Maybe in time...

muddled

Recently viewed:










8 Mile, starring Eminem.

Everything's starting to meld. Mekhi Phifer = Akon, Eminem = Rob Thomas, and Brian McKnight = Blair Underwood, I don't know why. None of them are anything alike, I think. And neither person in the last pairing was even in the movie.

It's almost halfway through the month and I haven't made any headway with this month's resolutions. There was a dead bird near the dumpster this morning; Cocoa and I saw it during our morning walk. A fly hovered around the body. It's 2:46 p.m. and Patrick's still asleep. I should probably wake him so we can go to the library.

Patrick's taken over the laundreary duties, since I haven't been able to keep on top of things. I still change the linens, though.

Everyone's been so snappish lately, so stressed. I laugh in the face of all the tension: because I'm helpless, because I'm not as overwhelmed, because we knew it was coming and we just have to deal with it. It's draining though, being the only one smiling.

Tasks for the rest of the day include:

vocal exercises
vacuuming
library run
cleaning out the dishwasher
calling up my mom (to wish her a happy Mother's Day, naturally)
cleaning out one Bankers Box

and maybe a strength training workout and a LAN game of Dawn of War: Dark Crusade.

Sweet satin shoes

Via Shoewawa.

I WANT:












Rainbow twirl espadrilles, $138 at Anthropologie
These summery beauties are anything but clunky.

















Manolo Blahnik Lokate, $585 at Bergdorf's

The master shows us how a ballerina flat is done: pretty pink satin in girly pleats.

If You're Gone

If You're Gone lyrics
Matchbox Twenty
Mad Season

I think I've already lost you
I think you're already gone
I think I'm finally scared now
You think I'm weak
I think you're wrong

I think you're already leaving
Feels like your hand is on the door
I thought this place was an empire
Now I'm relaxed
I can't be sure

And I think you're so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need this in my life
And I think I'm just scared
I think too much
I know it's wrong
it's a problem
I'm dealing

If you're gone
Maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone
Baby you need to come home
There's a little bit of something mean
In everything in you

I bet you're hard to get over
I bet the room just won't shine
I bet my hands I can stay here
And I bet you need more than you mind

I think you're so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need this in my life
I think I'm just scared that I know too much
I can't relate and that's a problem I'm feeling

If you're gone maybe it's time to come home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone
baby you need to come home
There's a little bit of something mean
In everything in you

I think you're so mean
I think we should try
I think I could need this in my life
And I think I'm scared
Do I talk too much
I know this is wrong, it's a problem, I'm dealing

If you're gone
And maybe it's time to go home
There's an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
If you're gone
Hell, baby you need to come home, come home
There's a little bit of something mean

In everything in you (Something mean)
Everything in (Something mean)
In you

The lady in red

Pix from the fashion show, i.e., Totalmente Latina tour at Dallas

Amateur pictures taken with an unfamiliar picture, hence the regrettable fuzz.













Waiting in the wings...










My turn in the spotlight









Heading for the catwalk










The group's final turn down the ramp










The full cast bids goodbye

i live, after all.

instant feedback:

~much better the second time around

~the most powerful voice of the group

~your voice cracked a couple of times

~parts of that were really good

~when you sang I felt like I was watching Pocahontas or Mulan or something

~great movements, great facial expressions -- you just need to work on your (diaphragmatic) breathing

I set out to accomplish certain goals, and I did:

* I sang in front of an audience
* I remembered all my lyrics
* I didn't make any faces while singing, even when I messed up
* I poured myself into my song (at points, but y'know: baby steps)

I dread seeing the recording, tho. I don't think I did nearly as well as I feel I did.

I'm dead.

I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dead.

I've been counting the minutes since noon. Two hours till the showcase. I am a nervous wreck. Can't think straight, can't wait for it to be over, hoping it'll never come. I used Patrick's toothbrush by mistake.

I am not going to be able to squeak out a single sound. I will clamber onstage and pass out, unconscious. A heart attack at 28. I cannot do this, I think.