packing up the pity party

Currently reading:

How to Get What You Want and Want What You Have
by John Gray


Chapter 11: Letting Go of Negative Emotions

Four Ways to Process
1. Change the emotion.
2. Change the content.
3. Change the clock backward or forward.
4. change the subject altogether; shift from feeling your pain to feeling the pain of another.

The twelve emotional states we naturally feel to find balance
1. Angry
2. Sad
3. Afraid
4. Sorry
5. Frustrated
6. Disappointed
7. Worried
8. Embarrassed
9. Jealous
10. Hurt
11. Scared
12. Ashamed

slipping

Boredom doesn't help. Being unuseful and unnecessary doesn't help. The pit is so familiar, and so welcoming. Come back, it calls, you know you belong here.

God,
save me
from myself.

i worry sometimes that I will never be happy, that i will always be bored and/or frustrated and/or sad and/or depressed because I don't know how because I enjoy it too much because it always takes that one last thing I just don't have, that one glimmering hope that's just out of reach right now.

in more magnanimous moments I feel that maybe I am one of those people destined to be an outsider, eternally sad, so other people can live happy, normal lives. I will live to write about pain, so you can call it beautiful and feel smug and secure in your happiness.

Of course, the truth is I'm not that special.

Hours later,

a caramel white chocolate latte in one hand, a Famous Footwear shopping bag in the other, I felt much better. I caught the chorus of "Bent" as I passed AE Outfitters. Matchbox Twenty is everywhere, it seems. I heard "If You're Gone" at Wal-Mart yesterday.

These are my new babies:













Naturalizer Buttercup. Via Like.com
$5 at Famous Footwear


Ann Marino Bold Knot via UcanHealth.com.
$10 at Famous Footwear

i am so

so
soooooo
sooooooooooooo

freaking bored.
and lonely.

I came clear across the country
to sit at home, in front of the computer
and there is no one to talk to.

Bloody fucking hell.

I was thinking about going to the mall, but it seems there aren't any theaters. There's no Steve Madden in this state either, which is doubly tragic because not only do I have time and access to shops for once, but the brand is also on sale. Anyway. If you've been drooling over platforms -- particularly the designer knockoffs -- check out the deals at SteveMadden.com. Most of the fall styles are now a half to a third of their original prices. I am so over leopard, but the zebra is calling to me...




LIPSTIK2, $39.99 from $109.95

~*~*~*

Dollar day at Value Village

It feels like Saturday. I spent the whole day doing laundry, eating and surfing the net.

~*~*~*

Mondays are $1-an-item days at the local thrift shop. I figured out a system pretty quickly: for consideration all items needed to be tagged for a buck, in good condition (no stains, tears, or obvious wear), my size, and a good fit. Everything else was passed over. I got a lot of khaki, I know. We're switching to a dress code at work: navy blue tops and khaki bottoms. No luck with tops yet.Yesterday's haul, for a grand total of $9.86 with tax:

1. Lightweight classic beige trench coat with detachable hood

2. Danskin black nylon tee

3. My Michelle black velvet shrug

4. Carriage Court white oversize knit sweater

5. Liz Claiborne khaki clamdiggers

6. Gap flat front straight-leg khakis

7. Gloria Vanderbilt bootcut jeans in putty

8. Abercrombie and Fitch hooded sweater

9. Riveted by Lee khaki capris

~*~*~*

Catholic church and the Chinese buffet

I went to mass with the rest of my family, and I'm a little surprised I didn't spontaneously combust as I stepped through the doors. Apparently, unfulfilled Catholic obligations are just between you and Him.

I got an ab workout towards the end of the service. If you are familiar at all with Catholic mass you know what comedian Larry the Cable Guy complains about: that you've got to be pretty fit to be Catholic, what with all the standing and sitting and kneeling going on. Anyway. I got back from communion and, while still standing, tried to hook the kneeling pad with my foot to set it down, as I'd been doing throughout the service. I was encountering resistance but couldn't seem to snag the part above my feet. My brother sitting to my left looked at me askance. As it turns out, the guy in the pew in front of me was knelt in prayer and he'd been ignoring the fact that I'd been kicking his feet. Mortified, I set the pad down by hand, knelt, covered my face with my hands, and tried to stifle my laughter. My shoulders were shaking and my abs hurting from the effort. My mom, who was sitting next to me, thought I was crying. She began rubbing my back and asked, "Are you okay?"

~*~*~*

Dinner was at King's Wok, a family- and pocket-friendly Chinese buffet in Silverdale. Ten bucks and change gets you all you can eat: their lauded egg drop soup, wontons, a limp sushi bar, the usual Chinese sweet/sour-friedrice-lomein fare sans fortune cookies. The seafood is satisfying: crab legs, fried shrimp, shrimp with pineapple, steamed mussels, Pacific salmon and even strange creations like crispy (breaded) oysters and a casserole of imitation crab meat baked with cheese. Fountain drinks, coffee and tea are included in the price.

I particularly liked their dessert offerings: notably the buchi (a sticky doughball filled with sweet bean paste, then rolled in sesame seeds); an interesting cookie made with crispy rice; fresh fruit, including not only pineapples and oranges, but more uncommon lychees and loquats; and even soft-serve ice cream (!!!). Both chocolate dispensers were out of order though, and I had to settle for vanilla. I thought their fruit salad was weird -- it had citrus fruit. There were also sweet rolls which seemed like siopao minus the filling.

~*~~*~*

Caffeine kick of the day:
Seattle's Best 16 oz. creme brulee latte

Satisfying, but so sweet my mouth stayed puckered for an hour. Did you know that Starbucks bought out Seattle's Best in 2003?

Firsts of the day:
Going to Catholic mass for the first time since Benedict became pope. It was...odd, not hearing "John Paul, our pope..."
My first carob bar, 38 cents for three morsels at Fred Meyer

The high cost of flying

Bottled water from the vending machines in the boarding lounge: $1.75
Rental of a digital entertainment system for the duration of the flight: $10
In flight breakfast: $5

What is free?
Cougar Mountain apple oatmeal breakfast cookie from Seattle. Oh, and two beverage servings.

~*~*~*

We just got back from the Fil-Am Association event, which was a bigger deal than I realized. Tickets were $40 and the dress code was semi-formal. Dinner was a salad of mixed greens with raspberry vinaigrette, teriyaki steaks, grilled salmon and steamed vegetables. Dessert cakes were coconut cream, carrot-raisin, German chocolate, and a rich chocolate.

After dinner and a program that included various Filipino cultural numbers and speeches, came the dancing. It was the usual dance mix for the older set: cha-cha, cumbia, salsa, tango and the apparently still-popular macarena, toro and electric slide.

~*~*~*

Cafeeine kick of the day:
Seattle's Best coffee, 2 sugars, 2 creams

First of the day:
My first cuppa coffee this year. I'd steered clear of coffee and tea since since my dental hygienist sandblasted between my teeth with baking soda to get rid of the tea stains.

a mixed bag of emotions

It hasn't been so much a rollercoaster as a messy assortment of moods today. They're changing assistant manager assignments again at work and I am not happy. When I come back from vacation Kristin will no longer be over our area, and the guy replacing her I have little respect for. Plus, he creeps me out. Fk.

I'm beginning the stirrings of elation over my coming trip, yet it's so easy to make me sad right now, so easy for me to remember that I'll miss Patrick and Cocoa and my friends.

It's the first time I've been away, since I got married.

i'd complain about dinner with the in-laws, but i'd be a hypocrite.

Dinner at Patrick's parents' house. Mung bean sprouts, beefsteak with onions, okra with bagoong and our contribution of chicken noodle soup. Served with steamed rice, naturally, as any Filipino household would.

Dinner conversation revolved around prospective car purchases, then on to neighboring community developments and the houses of interest. And damn if the first thing I did when I got home wasn't to log on the ebby.com and check out a few listings myself.

ps-

i'm shocked that I haven't blogged in a week. I've still taking mental notes daily, tho.

first "Define" class

have gotten a little bored with my workout regimen. Tried out a strength training class today: 45-minute total body workout, followed by 15 minutes abs focus. Kept messing up. Bone tired, glad it's over, yet happy for the much-needed departure from the usual.

Went back to Fred's (Philly cheesesteak place) again, for lunch with Kedric, Faith, Mike, and Rob. Something about the sandwiches doesn't agree with my stomach. I dunno; I even forewent the cheese this time. Anyway.

Tomorrow's plans include a lime chili Maruchan for lunch while I either continue reading the thought-provoking "Beauty Myth" or get some proofreading practice in, and step class after work.

the traveler

In less than two weeks' time I will be in Seattle, arriving just in time to see my dad get inducted president of the Fil-Am association. I will revisit old haunts, enjoy my mom's cooking, introduce my own cooking and breathe in the scent of pine trees and coffee and the sea.

After two weeks I will return to Texas, hoping to have been dearly missed. There will be a birthday party that evening, for Patrick's aunt. Wala lang. It just seemed kinda cool; there's a party wherever I go, whenever I arrive.

The Right Questions

Currently reading:
The Right Questions: Ten Essential Questions to Guide You to an Extraordinary Life
by Debbie Ford

Salient points: The Right Questions

1. Will this choice propel me toward an inspiring future… or will it keep me stuck in the past?
You are either moving forward or you are moving backward. There is no middle ground.

2. Will this choice bring me long-term fulfillment… or will it bring me short-term gratification?
It is vital that we recognize and tend to our unmet needs, lest they drive us to forsake our long-term vision in favor of short-term gratification. Allow yourself to give up something you want, for something you want more.

3. Am I standing in my power… or am I trying to please another?
In order to stand fully in our own power, we have to become comfortable with confrontation. We have to give ourselves permission to rock the boat and make waves. We must trust that it is more important that we stand up for ourselves than that we gain the approval of others.

4. Am I looking for what’s right… or am I looking for what’s wrong?
Finding fault with others is the lazy person's out. By focusing on what's wrong, we avoid taking responsibility. Looking for what's right opens our hearts and allows us to live in a state of gratitude for what we have.

5. Will this choice add to my life force… or will it rob me of my energy?
We are either growing or dying, expanding for contracting. Our life force is our connection to our passion and our vitality. When our life force is strong we exude the brilliance and beauty of our true nature.

6. Will I use this situation as a catalyst to grow and evolve… or will I use it to beat myself up?
"Life is a teacher to the wise man, and an enemy to the fool."

7. Does this choice empower me… or disempower me?
When you make choices that empower you, you experience a deep inner knowing that you are exactly where you need to be. When you are moving full speed in the direction of your desires, taking action, letting go, and being in perfect alignment with the universe, you are empowering yourself and your life.

8. Is this an act of self-love… or is it an act of self-sabotage?
When you love yourself you feel worthy and deserving of claiming the gifts of this world. It gives you the confidence to stand up and ask for what you want. It means making choices that you feel good about on a day-to-day basis...being proud of your choices and your actions.

9. Is this an act of faith… or is it an act of fear?
Fear shuts us down, while faith opens us up. If we choose to live in faith, we will be blessed with the support and the partnership of the universe.

10. Am I choosing from my divinity… or am I choosing from my humanity?
We all have the ability to access our divinity and share it with the world. Coming from the perspective of our divinity means that we consciously access the highest place within ourselves before making choices that will affect ourselves, others, and the world.

I have an almost-dream

A remembered image, really. I come across myself maybe just debarking a flight at the airport, or maybe on my way home from a party. The air is chilly, the lights distant, and I am slightly breathless, but smiling. My hair is glossy black, in chic short layers, my skin glows and my parted lips lined crimson. I'm wearing a little black dress and my unseen heels click importantly on the pavement.

I am successful and gorgeous, but most importantly, I am happy.

be still, my heart.

Red.
Patent.
Snakeskin.
Manolo Blahnik.
Mary-Jane pumps.
!!!

$645 at Neiman's. Via Shoewawa.

La Tortura (English translation)

I can't get enough of this song. The lyrics are poetic and cutting and earnest and funny. The song is composed by Shakira and Luis Ochoa. The video is has a silly tribal thing going on, and isn't the most flattering choreography-wise, but you can't have everything. Here's the translation:

THE TORTURE (Shakira feat. Alejandro Sanz)

[Sanz:]
Oh my love
Keep your poetry
Keep your happiness for yourself

[Shakira:]
I’m not asking that every day be sunny
I’m not asking that there be a party every Friday
Nor do I ask you to come back begging forgiveness
If you’re crying with dry eyes and speaking of her

Oh my love, it hurts so much

[Sanz:]
Hurts so much

[Shakira:]
That you left without saying a word
My love, it was torture
Losing you…

[Sanz:]
I know I haven’t been a saint
But I can make it up to you

[Shakira:]
Man does not live on bread alone
And I don’t live on excuses

[Sanz:]
We only learn from our mistakes
And today I know my heart is yours

[Shakira:]
You better save that for yourself
Take that bone to some other dog and let’s say goodbye

I can’t ask winter to spare a rose bush
I can’t ask an elm tree to bear pears
I can’t ask the eternal of a mere mortal
And go about casting thousands of pearls before swine

[Sanz:]
Oh my love, it hurts so much, it hurts so much
That you no longer trust my promises

[Shakira:]
Oh my love

[Sanz:]
It’s a torture

[Shakira:]
Losing you

[Sanz:]
I know I haven’t been a saint
But I can make it up to you

[Shakira:]
Man does not live on bread alone
And I don’t live on excuses

[Sanz:]
We only learn from our mistakes
And today I know my heart is yours

[Shakira:]
You better save that for yourself
Take that bone to some other dog and let’s say goodbye

[Sanz:]
Don’t go, don’t go
Oh my love look, don’t get angry
From Monday to Friday you have my love
Give Saturday to me and you’ll be better off
Oh my love, don’t punish me anymore
Without you I have no peace
I’m just a repentant man
I’m the bird that returns to its nest

[Sanz:]
I know I haven’t been a saint
And I’m not made of stone

[Shakira:]
Man does not live on bread alone
And I don’t live on excuses

[Sanz:]
We only learn from our mistakes
And today I know my heart is yours

[Shakira:]
AAaaay... AAaaay... AAaaay Ay Ay
Everything that you have done to me
It was torture losing you
It hurts me so much that it is this way

Keep on crying, sorry
I...I'll no longer cry...for you

i'd forgotten

i'd forgotten what it is to look up at the night sky,
wishing someone were wishing
for me.