Having trouble coping tonight.

A wave of sadness hit me, and I am helpless against it.

I think of girls who have it easy, and I envy them. Why couldn't I have been one of those "Daddy, buy me..." girls, who go on to being socialites and country club matrons with husbands who carry on the tradition of men to take care of them?

I'm whining, I know.

Princess locked in an ivory tower, with no Prince Charming coming to her rescue. I am doomed to remain locked away, as much prisoner as hideaway, afraid of the big bad world and all I am ill-equipped to face. I cannot do this, I think.

The things that I preoccupy myself, the chores and hobbies that fill my day: dust, all of it. None of it matters - all will come to nothing.

The void gapes open and I stand at its mouth, wind howling at me. I am so small, and so afraid. I have no weapons, no wings, no protections of any kind. I can wish, but it doesn't do any good. I wish for a winged rescue, for a golden knight, for a trip back in time: anything to transport me from here. Nothing comes. I am utterly alone.

Everything's relative.

When I was 136 pounds, I felt fat, because I remembered being 124.

Now that I'm 139, I feel sexy, because only four months ago I weighed 154.

You are my best friend, and yet

it seems that all i ever do these days is apologize for something stupid that I've done.

(i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry,
a million times, sorry)

It's probably best that I steer clear for now.
It's going to be one of the most difficult things ever.

I'll just...see you when I see you, I guess.

I'm realizing I'm a sucker for guys who tell me I have a nice smile.

(blush)