Friday, September 16, 2011

It's raining.

Naturally, I'm listening to Paramore's "When It Rains". When it rains I feel as if the heavens are crying so I won't have to. Some days it washes me clean. Today I messed up big time at work, and cried and cried. I wish I'd died. These next few weeks will be hellish. I wish I didn't have to go back. Maybe...

I was planning on betting on the lottery, and was annoyed to hear the rain start, because the walk will be that much more unpleasant, but now that I think about it, it's been a long time since I've played in the rain.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

I am alone.

I moved here eleven nights ago, to this apartment I alone occupy. I miss laughter, and caresses, and thoughts other than my own. My upstairs neighbor stomps about at all hours, and causes my apartment to shake. I sleep fitfully, and am afraid I will have to move again. I checked with the leasing office people today, and there is another apartment available, of the exact same floorplan, and on the second floor. It shares walls with the model unit on one side, and the community housekeeper on the other. It has a fireplace, and overlooks a grassy park instead of a parking lot. I will be happier there, I think. I just don't want to go through the ordeal of another move.

I preoccupy myself with unpacking (because I wasn't sure I'd be able to transfer till today), my silly online contests and George R.R. Martin's Game of Thrones. The book is so much better than the series: the characters more complex, the vistas vast and imposing, the intrigues more compelling. Everything is bigger in the books: Winterfell, the Dothraki horde, direwolves.

Of the stories one follows in the course of the telling, I find that Danaerys has me in thrall. I hear music, exotic and romantic, when reading her part. Is that weird? Even though I've seen the entire first season and, therefore, have finished the story of this first book and know what to expect, I find myself hanging on every word - when it comes to Dany, anyway.

There are differences, of course, most of which I understand them having to do owing to the constraints of the TV medium. In all cases the book is better. The only deviations of the series that improved on the books were the casting of Tyrion Lannister and Arya. And maybe the Bravosi tutor.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Episode 9

Boromir dies again?! WTH?!

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Continuing this episode today. Khal Drogo rushes to Danaerys after Robert's failed assassination attempt, and calls her the "moon of my life". !!! I am beside myself. Last night I was shopping the Alfred Angelo Disney Fairytale wedding collection. (sigh) I am torturing myself with hope of fairytale endings and darkly handsome princes. I need to stop.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Watching Game of Thrones, s01, Ep 07, "You Win or You Die", in which the queen proclaims that she and Jaime are more than just brother and sister. UUUUUUUCKKKKKKK!!!!! *SO* messed up!!!
It is a shameful thing, these thoughts one should not have, but come unbidden: I hope I don't wake up tomorrow.

It is easy to pretend, but I am still not well.

I know now the two things that would complete me, but they are so far off, they might as well be a lifetime, a world away. It is just too hard. And, ten years from now, having spent what little remains of my time, my energy, my lifeforce on a silly piece of paper - what of me then?

I am making my way through "Game of Thrones". The current episode: 6, if you must know, "A Golden Crown" has me Daenerys wins over the Dothraki people, as Bran finds he can explore the world still...

Of the violent, visceral series I've been delving in lately: Dexter, Game of Thrones, I find that while it's the stories of the leading men that might pull me in, it's the journeys of the extraordinary women that keep me. Game of Thrones has Daenerys and Arya, and I while I enjoy watching them grow, I fear for them, and hope they might carve a place for themselves in this cruel world.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Books and such

I recently finished Tom Clancy's "The Teeth of the Tiger", followed by "Dead or Alive".

The first book's chapter on the mall attack made me cry, and the description of the twins' foodie tour of Europe gave me mad cravings.

The second book's telling of the Ranger raid of the cave, and the Rainbow Six hostage rescue at the embassy had my heart pounding. And the death of one of the major characters made me really, really sad.


A few of my FaceBook friends are into "Game of Thrones" (TV) and "A Song of Fire and Ice" (book). I've decided to take in the HBO version first, as I am placed #53 on the hold list for the first book at the local library, and it'll be two weeks before I receive my online order of the four-book series.

I find the series to be super sexy, dark and deeply character-driven. I also love that doggie-style is all the rage in the Seven Kingdoms, lol.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

A perfectly nice guy asked me for my number today

and instead of being thrilled or pleased about it, I felt sad.

I'm not ready yet, I know.

People tell me that I am strong, though I don't feel it. I feel like a crazy person. I burst into tears and throw pity parties for one, have a good cry, and plan my next outing with a newfound friend. I am alternately hopeful and despairing, angry and indifferent, resentful and understanding.

I hope to look back on this time and say, "They were right. I held myself with dignity and quiet strength, and emerged a better person."

If I seem so happy, why do I feel so fragile and sad?

Thursday, July 07, 2011

I know it won't be anytime soon, but I hold on to the hope that someday I will feel whole again.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Status update

"They make it look so easy, connecting with another human being. It’s like no one told them it’s the hardest thing in the world."
- Dexter Morgan

It's a hard thing, learning to be single. I've been an other half for so long I don't know how to think for myself, do things alone, define myself as an individual. I cook noodles and rice the way he likes them: well-done. It took months, but I've learned to sleep in the middle of the bed. As for work...I don't know. I was just earning a paycheck to help with household finances until we were ready to start a family. Now I'm completely lost.

Sometimes I wish I'd go to sleep and not wake up. Waking life is so messy and difficult and exhausting.

I'm like the 40-year-old Virgin: there are so many things I should have, should have done, and should know by now, but they've somehow all passed me by.

Once again I'm up past midnight trimming my split ends, when I have work in the morning and should be sleeping. And I tell myself these feelings will pass, and that things might be better in the morning.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

So done with younger men.

Monday, May 30, 2011

I'm getting really tired of meeting interesting girls/women who exclaim "We should hang out sometime!" but don't mean it. I wonder if it's me, if maybe I need friends too much, and they smell it on me and when they've had time to think about it, decide they're better off without.

But, more likely, she's just another casually friendly person who doesn't mean what she says.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Foul-weather friend

I'm a horrid sort of friend, I know. I hope you understand.

For the most part, I only show up here when I'm feeling down and need to unload. When I'm feeling cheery - which, to the world, appears to be most of the time - I don't blog.

I don't mean to burden you. In a way, It's the opposite. I download the icky, difficult, drag-me-down negativity I'm bored with or tired of or just too ashamed to expose elsewhere, so I can gain some semblance of normalcy, so I can get on with the rest of my life. I am glad this blog affords me that ability, and am at once grateful and embarrassed that you're reading it.

I can only hope that you have something similar in your life, and that somewhere in the muck of my aimless ramblings, a glimmer of truth or meaning shines through for you.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Watching the Prom Queen episode of "Glee":

Waiting for Prince Charming is a poisonous idea, but it refuses to die because it's oh-so-romantic, and deep down every red-blooded girl wants to be a princess.

Could have done without the "Friday" cover.
I mean, it's far-and-away better than the original, but that's not saying much.

"Eat your heart out, Kate Middleton!"

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Pages from my journal

Last night we went to Dalrock because DJ was supposed to be there. I was tired and Patrick had arranged from time at the driving range after work, so after we got home I napped while he headed off the McKinney. Nic and co. arrived at Ferdie's house shortly before he did, so Jen and Nic hung out, as did Frankie and Izzy, and Junior and Jet, While Ferdie, Patrick and Chris practiced at the driving range.

Afterwards he came by for me and he headed to Dalrock. Nic and family were already there, making plans to watch the last show of Thor. DJ didn't get there till 10, with Auntie Nenette (?Jeanette) and brother in tow. She;'d just completed her nurse practitioner degree, and her brother's graduating in December. Her mom kept bugging me about not having kids yet, till we finally left, and I cried. No, they don't know.


Things are bad again, I don't know why. For the second time, my emotions are welling up, as If it's all fresh again. I mourn my lost years, I see no future to look forward to, and building a new life for myself seems like oh so much work, it's all so exhausting, I just want to give up...I look to the black sleep, to the peaceful oblivion of death, and it seems the easier, more sensible alternative.


They say the day after Friday the 13th is lucky. I hope so. I am so tired.

I've actually been pretty lucky the past week or two, though I can't feel too cheery about it these days. Got free passes and upgrades at the advanced screenings to Bridesmaids and Thor, and free tickets to Twist and Shout. Not to mention the Test Scanning project I've been on at work: tedious but all-around so much better than my usual week at work.

I met a pretty interesting lady at work the other day. I wish we'd met ten years ago, and I hope to be her in ten years' time. I lost her card, but when I have time I'll probably look her up on FaceBook.

Saturday, May 07, 2011

Season 2, Episode 17: A Night of Neglect

Emma - ”At what age are you allowed to look back on your life with nothing but regret? Is 32 too young?


Thursday, May 05, 2011


The best part of the movie was the theater. (Gold Class Cinemas in Fairview, but that's a story for another time. If I get to it at all.)

The next best thing was Bradley Cooper *finally* cleaned up and debonair, romancing a beautiful woman in Italian.

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

I think about you way too much.

Far, far too often.

Though I think I'm getting better at pretending I don't.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Episode 19:

Jesse reappears! Impossibly cute, and forgiving!

Rachel, tearfully: I thought you'd never come back.
Jesse, smiling: I miss all your drama.


Friday, April 22, 2011

Becoming a Gleek

Just watched the part of episode 19 where Finn sings "Jessie's Girl"...

I wish a (really great, really cute, talented, and overall awesome) guy would sing a song that pointedly to me.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Bloody. Fucking. Hell.

My life is shit,
piled upon shit
with a hot steaming pile
- second helping - of
you guessed it

more shit.


Sunday, April 17, 2011

i wish my tears would form a river I could sail on through to the ocean, to a land far away from here...

Saturday, April 16, 2011

On the eve of what would have been my tenth wedding anniversary,

the ex went out and got drunk, whle I stayed home and got drunk. And dressed up as Wonder Woman. And recorded "Superwoman."

Couldn't find my tiara...

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Things I try to remind myself

Revisited "The King's Speech" to reinforce my own voice. I've cried so much today. There are things I know but don't always remember:

I have a voice.

Looking good and living well, are the best revenge. And the best prescription.

Too much time and energy are wasted on feeling sad and sorry for oneself. Life sucks. Deal with it.

There is still beauty in the world; life is what you make it.

Women in particular waste a good deal of time and energy on people who don't care about us, and who we don't care about. Life is too short to squander it on things that just don't matter.

Comparing oneself to others is pointless and demeaning.

Monday, April 11, 2011


Just got back from my first-ever Zumba class, and my first-ever visit to Lifetime Fitness. I already love it. It's an awesome place - as impressive as the lifestyle gym in the Tim Allen movie "Joe Somebody". It has a happy, healthy atmosphere that seems more dedicated to a well-rounded life than the pursuit of a bodily ideal.

I'm batting two-for-two as far as workouts lifting my spirits. I should know this. I never look forward to going, but I definitely feel better afterwards.

I'd love to join up with Lifetime, but it's sooo expensive - almost five times the monthly fee at my previous gym, just for the basic individual payment.

Zumba was amazing and surprising: 667 calories, 6760 steps and though I got tired about fifteen minutes in, I was fine after half an hour.

Personal observation: people around me gave me extra space. On a dance floor, that can be a good or bad thing.
I cried myself to sleep last night. Finally mustered up the courage to tell a friend that Patrick and I are divorced. She asked me what I want to do.

(I've been so overwhelmingly sad. I just realized Saturday would have been our tenth anniversary. So many restaurants have been sending cheery emails, congratulating us on the happy day, enjoining us to celebrate with them. I want to check into a motel somewhere and swallow a bullet.)

I told her I don't know.

I don't want to feel this way. I'm tired of being sad, and I know everyone's probably tired of and bored with it too. I want to be strong and resilient and bulletproof and above-it-all. I feel like such a failure.

I tell myself I just need to get through this week, and I will be alright.

Monday, April 04, 2011

I can't help but wonder:

Am I surrounded by idiots, and understandably impatient with them

- or am i really just a bitch?

Saturday, April 02, 2011

Dear Diary,

If I were truly honest, I would say that I envy her.
I envy her not needing to work. I envy her still living with her parents and going to school full-time. I envy her future as a doctor being a foregone conclusion. I envy the misplaced confidence she has in her looks and desirability - why was I never so self-assured?

And then there are pangs when I see they way you laugh so easily with her, and I envy that too.


Someone told me today that I am at my ideal weight, that I should stop losing and strive to maintain myself right where I am. It was a funny sort of compliment to get. I thanked the person, but choose to ignore the recommendation. I'm still six pounds heavier than my old fat weight.


Today at work I had to pace myself, making sure to get all my breaks and lunches on time, or else I was certain I would kill a particular manager. Not a good sign. Apparently I need a vacation.

Friday, April 01, 2011

FaceBook Statuses today:

Farah Lozano
So happy...

I was just thinking how weary I am of being sad and tired all the time, when I found an opportunity to donate to a cause I find worthwhile. I feel so good for doing so. I am renewed. =) Charity works!
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Farah Lozano
This is so awesome! If you have Sony Reawrds points you're not using, you can donate them to the American Red Cross, to help them provide aid to Japan! This is my contribution - click and donate today!
Product - Sony Rewards
Donate your Sony Rewards Points. As a Sony Card member, you can help by donating your Sony Rewards Points to the American Red Cross in an effort to aid the people of Japan. Your gift will enable the Red Cross to provide shelter, food, emotional support and other assistance to victims across the Paci..
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Farah Lozano
So apparently my cat ears and tail confused one too many people at work today...joke's on me, haha. Happy April Fools', everyone!

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Can't find my favorite pair of cat ears! So annoyed...

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Monday, March 28, 2011

Having trouble coping tonight.

A wave of sadness hit me, and I am helpless against it.

I think of girls who have it easy, and I envy them. Why couldn't I have been one of those "Daddy, buy me..." girls, who go on to being socialites and country club matrons with husbands who carry on the tradition of men to take care of them?

I'm whining, I know.

Princess locked in an ivory tower, with no Prince Charming coming to her rescue. I am doomed to remain locked away, as much prisoner as hideaway, afraid of the big bad world and all I am ill-equipped to face. I cannot do this, I think.

The things that I preoccupy myself, the chores and hobbies that fill my day: dust, all of it. None of it matters - all will come to nothing.

The void gapes open and I stand at its mouth, wind howling at me. I am so small, and so afraid. I have no weapons, no wings, no protections of any kind. I can wish, but it doesn't do any good. I wish for a winged rescue, for a golden knight, for a trip back in time: anything to transport me from here. Nothing comes. I am utterly alone.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Everything's relative.

When I was 136 pounds, I felt fat, because I remembered being 124.

Now that I'm 139, I feel sexy, because only four months ago I weighed 154.

Monday, March 14, 2011

You are my best friend, and yet

it seems that all i ever do these days is apologize for something stupid that I've done.

(i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry,
a million times, sorry)

It's probably best that I steer clear for now.
It's going to be one of the most difficult things ever.

I'll just...see you when I see you, I guess.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I'm realizing I'm a sucker for guys who tell me I have a nice smile.


Monday, February 28, 2011

i am not going to miss being thirty minutes to three hours late to every. single. fucking. thing.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Words For It

I wish I could take language

And fold it like cool, moist rags.

I would lay words on your forehead

I would wrap words on your wrists.

“There, there,” my words would say–

Or something better.

I would ask them to murmur,

“Hush” and “Shh, shhh, it’s all right.”

I would ask them to hold you all night.

I wish I could take language

And daub and soothe and cool

Where fever blisters and burns,

Where fever turns yourself against you.

I wish I could take language

And heal the words that were the wounds

You have no name for.

~ Julia Cameron (The Artist’s Way)

Monday, February 07, 2011


His most recent weekend visit to the girlfriend did not go well.

He returned contrite and full of regret, asking me to take him back. He knows my answer, but asks anyway, hoping it'll change. He's begun smoking again. He quit months ago, the week he broke the news. She doesn't mind the habit, and never asked him to quit.

The grandfatherly kiss to the forehead in greeting is now a more familiar peck to the cheek. I've been fighting a cold, and slept all day. He got me medicine and made soup.

I am stone. I know what he asks, but make no reply. I survived my weekend alone and am better and stronger for it. I am moving on.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011


Stuck on the first half of Shakespeare's Sonnet 29.

"When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
as for the rest of it, who knows when and if that might apply again?

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

I am a shadow of my former self,

a brain-dead, graceless shell.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Funny, that I should come across this article today.


Last week I attended the Dallas Symphony's Russian Romance program. It was my first time at the symphony, and an incredible experience for me.

I grew up watching Disney movies, and particularly loved the musical ones: The Jungle Book, Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast. I also relished musical movies, animated or not: Annie, The Rescuers, The Wizard of Oz. As i grew older I found that artists who recorded the songs I loved most sang pop opera, classical crossover and Broadway: Charlotte Church, Josh Groban, Sarah Brightman.

I found myself exploring opera recordings. I love Maria Callas and Renee Fleming. I have yet to attend a live performance, but I've watched many DVDs.

And yet, through it all, the orchestra was always just, I'm embarrassed to say, background noise. Sure, I might tune in to the local classical radio station when the mood hits me. But classical music on film and radio had always been a complement, never center-stage. Until now.

That night I was awash in a sea of pure, unadulterated emotion, wave after wave crashing against me, breaking me apart, breaking me open to beauty and splendor. It's one thing to listen to a recording, and quite another to be in a concert hall with the artists performing right in front of you, in a room full of people hanging on to each note. Each breath, each handstroke a new note, an intricate tapestry weaving itself before you of thin air, magically teasing and transporting you.

I was completely lost, and it was utterly glorious. I could barely tell who was playing what and when: i couldn't see the flutes from my seat, and can barely identify instrument tones anyway. There was one part that was kind of a cello and harp duet, a conversation even, one i found beautiful and romantic.

I feel utterly ignorant, not knowing who or what i was listening to, or whether or not they were any good. I know that the conductor was Hans Graf from Houston, it was 25-year veteran Dallas concertmaster Emmanuel Borok's last performance, and Milwaukee's Frank Almond was guest concertmaster that evening, playing the Lipinski Stradivari. As first nights go, I think I was incredibly lucky.

I hope to further explore this strange new world, and educate myself to appreciate it more and more.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

I need friends.

I know I do.

But I feel like a fucking trainwreck. And so I leave stupid, vague status messages on FaceBook, and cry helplessly at the outpouring of concern, but as I try to respond I find I can't, not to the smiling faces looking out from holiday pictures with the loving hubby or smiling kids. I can't. I won't.

I will be okay, I tell myself. I will be okay.