Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Hot headed today. Trying to rein it in, but I feel like Marvel's Medusa: red tendrils of rage flailing from my scalp and I want to throw things and smash things and whip everyone, everything in to shape: help me, or get out of my fucking wayyyyy!!!

Monday, December 27, 2010


An imposing building, not the same one we were married in.

Metal detectors and scanners. A two-storey Christmas tree with ornaments the size of my head. A bronze statue called "The Line". A 1979 time capsule to be opened in 2029.

Ticket 218. Jennifer at Window 5. A much shorter Christmas tree, six feet maybe, missing a tree topper - the second such tree in as many days.

Sunday, December 26, 2010


i always fancied myself a forever girl.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

The winter of my discontent

Sleepy. I woke to the almost-full moon shining brightly on my face through the slats of my window blinds. It's been over a month now, which is hard to believe. Time flies. People tell me I've lost weight. They tell me I seem to be cheering up. I don't feel these things. I don't feel lighter, happier. I am...resurfacing, I hope. Still so muddled most days. Clumsy, distracted, unclear.

It seems appropriate somehow that this happened in the winter. I am cold, almost dead. But there is hope of renewal in the spring. And already, despite it all, there are signs of life.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Were it possible, I'd unwish the last 15 years.

Sunday, December 05, 2010


I find myself questioning whether what I've clung to as a quiet strength is really just laying down as a doormat and letting him walk all over me. How did things get so confused? I feel used and angry and spent. I tell myself that this is just another phase that will pass, that I must ride it through.

We don't always know what's good for us. And even when we suspect we do, we don;t always choose it.

I don't know where we're going from here. I'm scared too. Afraid that I'm making a big mistake. Afraid of what it'll mean if I voice that fear. I mean, there's a reason he asked for an open marriage, right> There are things he needs to sort out. And it's in our best interests to allow him to do so.

And I have had my life on hold for far too long. Honestly, I have secretly resented it. It might feel like a huge leap backwards, but I would like to believe that this is what it will take to move forward.

I am riddles with doubt, And I grieve for my marriage. I'm not the best housewife, but I *loved* being wifey. I need to be needed, to support and encourage and care for someone.

It's all gone, then. The happy house in my mind I thought we were building is gutted and vacant, wiring exposed, walls half-built: the nursery, his gaming den, my recording studio...dust, all of it. Pack away the white picket fence, the preternaturally green lawn, the cheery decor. Shut it down, bar the doors, send in the bankers with their calculating eyes and cold, hard pencils, scribbling busily away.  Let them take it all away.

My heart is broken. But I want to believe. I want to believe in love, and hope. And beauty in the world.

Things were so hard when we were starting out. We had so many regrets. I wish... If only... Why couldn't...? My answer was always the same: because that's what it took for us to be together, that's what it took to find you, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

And now...I just don't know.