The first lesson is this:

Life is hard.

Once you master that, though life may not be easier, it can be taken from a healthier perspective from which true, grounded happiness is a possibility.

About that other post...

If the question is, what am I doing, the answer is, I really don't know.

You know how sometimes a song wriggles its way into your head and plays over and over, overriding everything else and driving you completely insane? Well, snippets of prose get to me that same way sometimes. I think it's because I've gone too long without writing. It's very weird, tho. This one's like a clip from a Harlequin romance; takes all sorts, I suppose.

I should blog more. If only so it doesn't build up into, well, that.

~*~*~*

I'm sorry I've been away for so long. Not much to report. Still at the same workplace. I've taken on a new position, which entails a crappy, irregular schedule for $2 more an hour. I have a YouTube channel now, which I try to update at least once a week with homemade vocal recordings. At 152 lbs I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life, but I can't seem to stop eating. Got a bodybugg, and learned I burn between 2,000 and 3,00 calories a day, so I'm happy about that.

Cocoa's fine, the cat is fine, the apartment's still a mess. Patrick's fine. Still don't have a car or a driver's license. We stopped taking piano lessons, and so my lovely PX-120 has fallen silent.

Resolutions:
Cook more, write more, clean up around the house. Oh, and buy new shoes. It's been a while. Ventured out to DSW a few times, but have yet to fall in love with anything. And it's hard to wear heels all day in a retail job with all this extra weight.

snippet

She is mesmerized by his hands, by his long fingers. They flick and wave as he speaks, and she is enthralled. She imagines his hands sliding gently along the curves of her body, sees those fingers tangled in her hair, pulling urgently, insistently, until she screams...

"What do you think?" he asks.

I'm sorry, what?

Cornbread for one.

I hardly ever cook these days, but when I do, it's for a crowd. Preparing instant meals doesn't count.

I've been meaning to do a big chili thing for while, which means a lot of chopping, and stirring every fifteen minutes, and chopped onions and shredded cheese on the side, as well as Fritos for frito pie, and cornbread to complement it. As you can imagine, it's quite a production. Of *course* I've been putting it off.

After lunch today, I suddenly felt like having cornbread. I already have all the ingredients, but I didn't want to launch into the chili-making process. And so I made just one recipe. Just one! It feels so strange: selfish and indulgent and totally new.

Since it's such a small batch, I figured I might as well make it really easy and individual by using cupcake liners. Cornbread muffins! In pretty pastel liners! It's actually an awesome delivery system for them, as I can simply heat one, break it in half and smear on the butter. Good times.

Daria, Daria, Daria

AUGHH!!!

I'm funny this way: I'm mainstream, at one remove. I listen to pop music, but usually through covers by my favorite YouTube artists, and if enough of them cover it I'll look up the original. I also don't watch broadcast television, but will happen upon an old TV show and slog through all seasons if it piques my interest.

One such show is MTV's Daria (1997-2002), who I guess would be the smartest, dryly funny 5-year-old ever to grace the boob tube. It's a funny thing about TV series: follow a show long enough and see the characters through enough ups and downs, and you feel like they're you're friends.

I just finished watching Episode 52: "Fire!" and it's wrenching at my heart. Daria's best friend in the world is Jane, and her new (and first-ever?) boyfriend is the smart and handsome Tom. She thinks the world of him, and they get along great, but don't match up intellectually.

Jane and Tom have been going steady for a while now, and in the beginning Daria resented Tom for infringing on her time with Jane (Episode 41: Partner's Complaint). She gradually warmed up to him, most notably in Episode 46: I Loathe a Parade.

Currently (from my perspective, anyway) the two are civil, but it appears that Tom is looking an intellectual wavelength, and clearly he and Daria resonate (sorry if I'm beginning to ride the metaphor, but it plays well). Of all people, Daria's mostly-oblivious crush Trent points out to Daria that Tom seems to be into her.

I feel for them all:
Jane, who is beginning to realize she and Tom may not be the best fit, but cannot give up on the relationship.
Tom, who has a great girl but appreciates the connection he has with Daria.
Daria, afraid to hurt her friend, or lose the budding friendship. Also a little hurt to sort of be "given away" by Trent.
Trent, who may or may not have feelings for Daria under the casual cool musician vibe, having to advise Daria to pay attention when it might be in his interest for her not to.

God, I love this show. And yes, I know, I'm *such* a girl.