The first stanza of Mariah Carey's "Someday"

Fiona Apple's "Criminal"

Just as work begets more work, I've found that socializing begets socializing. And more opportunities to meet, understand and learn to live with people. I used to think you had to be interesting and engaging and, well... talkative to be popular. I've since found that the key to being friendly is listening. Really listening.

I'm still frustrated by my (own perceived) blunders in the social realm. I still don't know people. At my age, I feel I should, even though I really don't have the experience that might have allowed me that knowledge.

Most days I feel like a 28-year-old know-nothing. Only older.

Gravity

Gravity, from Little Voice by Sara Bareilles

just now

I've been overcome with an unexpected wave of exhaustion, doubtless attributable to the twelve hours (6 a.m. to 6 p.m.) I spent in the store today. Being this tired is not a good thing for me. I am indifferent to everything, my life has neither hope nor meaning, and tomorrow will not come. Not that it would make a difference anyway.

I need to shake this off.

vacation recap

All-in-all it's been an eventful vacation. My first audition. My first club experience here in the US. Meeting Eden and Gilbert and Christy and Jen's dad. Getting to know Ferdie and Jen and Frankie and Keldric and Faith and Dee a little more. Going to Kirin Court and Texas Stadium and Chaucer's and Carson's for the first time.

I don't want to go back to work tomorrow.

Carson's

Last night Jen and I met up with a bunch of people from work plus assorted friends of Faith. I had a Malibu and pineapple, a few Coronas, half a vodka and water, and a sip of a chocolate martini. I wore my red satin "pop star" pants and was told by two perfect strangers that I'm beautiful. Well actually, one said I look "beautiful for a 28-year-old" and the other said I look "insanely beautiful" which I think averages out.

We partied till 2 a.m. It was fabulous and fun and next time, we're going line dancing.

hindsight

I still don't know what I did wrong. Not really. A girl in green face paint and witch getup made it through, as did a manly man in a black wig and full makeup. Maybe I should have gone as Wonder Woman.

I realize I wasn't the best singer there. Scores of more talented people were passed up. Still, I'd hoped I'd had some sort of je ne sais quoi that would set me apart. I so thought I had it. Mr. Unknown Judge kept looking at me while I was in line, and nodded with what I thought was approval as I sang. In hindsight it may have been more like "Yes, yes get on with it" so he could dismiss my entire row.

I wish I'd gotten some kind of feedback. But I didn't want to be another one of those Idol rejects: desperate and/or completely oblivious to my lack of talent. Of which I'm neither. There are other avenues, they just involve more time and money.

Linda Septien says that it helps to play opposite the judge: if they seem extroverted, play demure; if they seem shy, be confident. I still believe that if you can figure out your judge and what he/she is looking for then you'll definitely make it through to the next round. I just couldn't read him. He was really quiet, almost whispering directions, and asked one girl in the group before mine not to sing so loudly because he was right in front of her and could hear her just fine. Then he let her start over, and finish her piece. He had one girl from that group stay and sing another song, after which the lady he was with thanked her and told her she had a nice voice, but it was perhaps a little too sweet and not right for the show right now, but that she should definitely try again next year and it might be what they're looking for. Then Ms. Judge Lady left.

And so I stepped up with Mariah's "Someday" and mustered up all the attitude I could in spite of my nervousness. I'd been waiting for hours in the 95-degree heat and I'd be damned if I'd go down without a fight. And then he motioned us all forward, lifted his clipboard and gestured to a note that said "I lost my voice." Thank you but no. Sht.

Still, I forgive you, Mr. Unknown Judge. Not just because you'd lost your voice or because you kept glancing my way (thanks a lot for the false hope, btw) but also because you kinda sorta look like Rob Thomas.

And so the only thing to do is keep on trucking, keep at my music and maybe someday write songs that other Idol wannabes will be singing at the auditions and maybe even on the show.

i didn't make it.

We bought lottery tickets on the way home, in hopes of trading my Idol fantasies for champagne wishes and caviar dreams.

i lost my voice today.

I'd decided on Mariah Carey's "Someday" as my audition piece. This morning in the shower I was working on adding a few grinds and that whistle-register finale. My throat felt only slightly itchy afterwards.

We spent the day with Ferdie, Jen and Frankie; and new friends Eden and Gilbert. Kirin Court is a great Chinese restaurant but regrettably too loud, and after lively lunch conversation I was hoarse.

By 5 p.m. my voice was completely gone. I stuffed my mouth with lozenges to to keep from humming, talking or otherwise straining my voice. I've been mute since 5:23.

A hearty bowl of kare-kare helped soothe my vocal cords, but I'm still worried what I might wake up to in the morning.

2 a.m.

Nerves and activities are killing me. And to think, I'm on vacation.

4 a.m. and I could not sleep.

It's now six. I've showered and dressed for work; taken out the trash; had some leftover Chinese takeout; made some green tea, pot roast and steamed rice. I'm about to feed the pets. I'm bringing sloppy toms for lunch today (joes substituted with ground turkey). I feel woozy.

Dallas Idol auditions are on Monday. I know it's a long shot, and I'm scared as hell, but wouldn't it be frickin' awesome if I made the cut?