shields up

It's been days now, and still I'm so tight, especially at my temples, jaw and shoulder blades. So forgive me if you find me with my brow furrowed, jaw clenched, shoulders tense: I'm not bracing for a fight, my body just thinks it is. It takes conscious effort to reset myself. Luz too says she is hurt, and healing.

I don't want to be stressed. I don't want to be sad or angry or anything other than what I was right before that meeting that morning. But it seems that until I find some kind of closure, I will remain on the defensive. I wish I knew what to do, what to look or ask for.

I have laughed and cried and cussed and slept since then,

I tell myself it's okay.
Obviously it's not.

In quiet moments I find I am riddled with self-doubt, like so much emotional Swiss cheese. I stepped out into the warm air tonight and saw an airplane's lights twinkling above the crescent moon.

~"can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars/
I could really use a wish right now"~

funk

I awoke enraged, and pray to the universe
in my way
for succor:
"Quiet,
please -
for this raging mind."

Anger is exhausting.
Especially the senseless kind.