i'm in that place again.

Nothing matters.

I want to just pick up and leave it all behind me. I've tired of talking too much and saying so little. The things that bother me I am not to talk about, should try not to think about. Or so I'm told.

I miss having friends, it's true. But having none is better than having fake ones.

People think we're okay now. We both deserve Academy Awards. It's all so plastic, because we're both afraid of confrontation, I guess. God forbid that we should actually say what's on our minds.

I just paid my taxes. H&R Block's offering free e-filing for taxpayers under 50 with an AGI of $52k or less. Money's tight. Voice lessons are okay -- I can feel my throat starting to open up. Everything's just so blah.

It rained today.

When I was in college nothing ever happened to me. I didn't have family around me, didn't have a boyfriend. I would go to the movies by myself just so I could cry. And on rainy days I would sit at the window and watch the raindrops fall, thankful that the heavens were pouring down tears, so I didn't have to.

I cannot tell you why
but it's hard for me to feel
alive.

I guess I've always been this way
I've always felt like I was living
in retrospect
powerless to change
or choose
anything.