"You're all dressed up today."

"I dress up every day."

"True. You wanna know what I think? I think you're looking for a boyfriend."

If I were feeling saucy, or if perhaps the backhanded compliment were issued by a friend, I might have asked if he knew anyone who fit the bill. As it was, I replied matter-of-factly, "I already have a boyfriend. Who also happens to be my husband, which works out really well, since everything's legal."

But the thought echoes and rankles: I look like I'm looking for a man. I find now that the thought needlessly colors comments coworkers have made to me in the past about my husband, my clothes, my shoes.

You know what though? I am no hussy. I can count on one hand the number of people I really talk to at work. I don't see or talk to any of them after work or on my days off. I don't do plunging necklines, sheer fabrics or slits up to my tonsils. If I wear skirts and dresses instead of jeans and sneakers, it's because I don't feel that athletic shoes are appropriate anywhere other than the track and other sporting venues, and feminine clothes flatter heels better. Big hairy deal.

down in the dumps

I am depressed today, and not lifting myself out of it. A few people disappointed me today (for differing reasons), someone noticed I'd gained weight, Patrick asked when I'm going to start back on my diet, Kristin asked me to leave 2 hours early tomorrow, and a number of different comments throughout the day have me feeling stupid, foolish, and really, really small.

Today being payday, I bought the Payless Intellect pumps (click link twice to view) in both colors. They are fabulous - so much prettier in person because the website pics don't really do the patent leather justice. Less than $30 for two during the BOGO 1/2-off sale now thru Sept. 5th.

I want a cigarette.

much ado about nothing

i.e., the final word on a non-incident that both parties agree really wasn't worth it.

I flew off the handle today, telling off a co-worker over something as simple as a portable printer. It was, I am told, completely out of character. In hindsight, I must agree that it was an unnecessary outburst.

Dear reader, I'm sorry if I seem too "Dear Diary" today, but I'd like to vent my frustrations.

Here's how it works: if I value our relationship/day-to-day interaction/what-have-you, and you piss. me. off., I will let you know -- ideally in a constructive way -- so we can begin to repair the damage, or correct the misunderstanding. If, on the other hand the misstep is a deal-breaker, then I chalk it up to experience and move on.

In this instance, what could have been a simple mistake revealed unapologetic deceit later compounded by complete indifference. Which burned the most, really. I mean, if you tell someone, with some disappointment, "I trusted you", in what world is the correct answer "Why did you even bother?"

Serves me right for trying to help you out, asshole.

All this time

(tim james/steve mcclintock)

Originally performed by Tiffany

All this time
I knew someday you'd need to find
Something that you left behind
Something I cant give you

All these tears
And like a light love disappears
But hearts are good for souvenirs
And memories are forever

All this time
All in all I've no regrets
The sun still shines, the sun still sets
And the heart forgives, the heart forgets
But what will I do now with all this time

One more kiss
Even though it's come to this
I'll close my eyes and make a wish
Hoping you remember

All this time
All in all I've no regrets
The sun still shines the sun still sets
The heart forgives, the heart forgets
But what will I do now with all this time

Say goodbye
Apart we'll make another try
But don't be sorry if you cry
Ill be crying too

All this time
All in all I've no regrets
The sun still shines, the sun still sets
And the heart forgives, the heart forgets
But what will I do now with all this time

failure to cope

it just won't stop.

Life goes on, no matter how badly I'm reeling, no matter how much I want the world to stand still.

so wrong and yet-- so utterly fabulous

Guess who's ranked number one out of 8581 in the "Beginners Game for Investing"?

C'est moi! Moi, moi, moi, moi, moi!!!

(insert maniacal laughter)


Today's Return

+49.46%

Total Return

+10,500.43%
Week's Return

+7,020.77%

Total Equity

$10,600,430.71

Cash

$10,828.91
Interest Earned: $21.31

Long Positions: $10,589,601.80

BIKO

Bico Inc
Trade, news, chart, profile, more
Last: 0.000.000.00%
12:00am 12/30/1899
Chart from transaction date 08/04/2006

50,000,000
L
+0.07
$10,500,000.00
$0.21
$0.00
+$10,495,000.00
99.05

I don't even remember where I got the buying tip from. Anyway. What basically happened was that I bought $10,000 of BIKO shares at $ 0.0000002 each or so, and the share price went up to 21 cents, making me a virtual millionaire. Sadly, in this game one can only sell so much of one's stock in one day, and thus I can only cash in $15k. Which is still a 50% return.

As for PRGD, it went up enough for me to offload the lot today. Thank goodness. I've decided to turn my second portfolio (of which PRGD was part) into a long-term buy-and-hold test group, while the first, winning portfolio will be more speculative.

a day beginning and ending with rain

We stopped by the leasing office and renewed our lease for another year. Rent's gone up $5 a month. This morning it rained, the first I've known since the city began observing Stage 3 water restrictions in mid-June. The ten-day weather forecast guesses at future thunderstorms. This drought might finally be over.

Cocoa and I just got back from another walk. We both got a little wet from the drizzle.

I've been trying to "grow" myself these past few weeks. It hasn't been easy. I find I mentally flagellate myself for thoughts that most people would probably consider normal but which I, in my efforts to reprogram my thinking, deem unhelpful, counterproductive and even unworthy.

I know I'm not making much sense.

My eternal quest for self-improvement is rooted mostly in self-hatred, I fear. And that doesn't really mesh very well with the "knowing and accepting oneself" that begins these rescripting and healing processes. It's like the Broadway show: "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change!"

I've lost three pounds somehow; I'm back down to 127. In spite of, or perhaps because of this loss, I pigged out most of today, emptying a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, a bag of Chewy Chips Ahoy, and a big bowl of Neapolitan ice cream. My tummy's as taut as a drum.

Spent most of this week monitoring and tweaking my virtual stock portfolios, of which I now have two. One of them is bleeding money because I made the mistake of putting $10,000 into
Proguard Acquisition Corp (PGRD). It's now trading at $1.80, for a grand total of $7,200 which I can't pull out because this particular "game" has a minimum trade price of $2.00.

The highlight of my holdings has been Collectible Concepts Group, Inc. (CCGI), a company that deals with licensed sports merchandise. I've made $5,ooo off of this gem thus far.

things i neglected to mention this week:

Luz is back! Ten pounds lighter, with poofy lips and long brown hair.
~*~*~*

Patrick got his green card! It's actually a pale yellow, and all the security features, front and back, make it look impressively high-tech.

~*~*~*
Payless has a fantabulous knockoff!

High Street vs. Designer:



Kurt Geiger Bashful, approximately $300





Payless's "Intellect" Patent Round Toe Pump, $17.99

Via Shoewawa.

~*~*~*
You can too make money playing video games!

Big Huge Games is sponsoring a $100,000 tournament for Rise of Nations: Rise of Legends. Open to everyone except countries we don't consider friends (Cuba, Iran, Libya, North Korea, Sudan and Syria). Top dog stands to win $40k.

~*~*~*

And that's all she wrote.

i have a new game

Beginners (sic) Game for Investing

Yes, I know. Somewhere in Texas is a missing apostrophe. Anyway.

Last night I signed up for my own portfolio with MarketWatch's Virtual Stock Exchange, a fabulous way to (virtually) dive headfirst into the wonderful world of day trading. There's no membership fee: you simply create an account and choose a "game" to join. A game is a participant grouping with specified rules (e.g., starting cash of $100k, $10 commission per trade, etc.) and which may or may not have a target demographic such as "students who are currently in college and are interested in learning about investments and the stock market".

Noob that I am, I signed up with the game mentioned above and promptly bought $10k each of eight stocks that I've been eyeing. The games mirror real-life stock market vicissitudes; in the past 24 hours my portfolio has devalued -0.55%, and I am currently ranked 5268 (of 7728). I don't think it's too shabby for a first day. Dollarwise my biggest loser was Palm Inc (PALM), Biovail Corp (BVF) gained the most, and Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. (WMT) was flat. I've since placed two new orders: Allegheny Technologies Inc (ATI) and Nvidia Corp (NVDA).

spam

i came home to 22 emails in my Bulk (Junk) Mail folder. I deleted them and, when the count refreshed, had 65053.

Sixty five thousand, and fifty-three emails. And now I can't open the folder.