127 lbs!

The new lavender capris fit again; not quite ready for a public appearance, as I can't squat in them yet, but at least they don't look painted on anymore. Next stop: 123.

Two flans, three tees

i have two flans cooling on the stovetop, because we're celebrating blanca's birthday tomorrow.

am seriously considering buying some tees from Think Geek. I know, I know: it's juvenile and tacky to scream via a catchphrase what should emanate from your being and wardrobe, but sometimes only the right words will do.

I think I've been overhearing too much of Patrick's CounterStrike vents.

have I been watching too much Comedy Central?

We have a new associate with an unusual name.

He seems to be South Asian. My manager was talking to him while I walked into Personnel to make some photocopies. "Say your name again," she said, "but slower this time."

He enunciates emphatically, trilling the r, "Harrrr.....DIK!"

I try so hard to stifle my laughter, I end up choking. They both look at me blankly.

~*~*~*

I've been working where I do for so long, I take it for granted that everyone knows the basics about me. So it came as a surprise that a coworker asked me out to lunch today. I asked him if he perhaps had me confused with someone else. He said no.

"Okayyy...I'm married."

"Okayyy...never mind then."

~*~*~*

Which reminds me of the last time someone at work asked me out. He'd been working there maybe two weeks, and I think he was a teenager who thought I was his age. He asked me what I was doing Friday. (It was sooo tempting to say "My husband"!) I smiled broadly and displayed my wedding band. "I'm married."

I have never had someone walk away from me so quickly.

end of the line

i have a theory. I think that the reason people go away on their vacations is so that they don't get into a comfortable routine that makes going back to work so difficult. By the fifth day of a stay-at-home vacation you somehow convince yourself that things could continue this way: sleep in, feed the dog, think about preparing lunch, put off sorting, procrastinate about that work, watch a lot of tv...

I don't want to go back to work tomorrow.

postpartum depression

Someone I know just had her first baby.

I say "someone I know" because if you were a friend of mine and became pregnant or had kids, or maybe I knew you once and you looked me up on Friendster and sent me a cheery "Hi!" with the picture of you glowingly expectant, or making faces at the camera with your roundfaced kid(s).... chances are that I sorta kinda drifted away. Or fell off the face of the earth. Or became distracted, busy, or "just not into the same things" as you. It's not you, it's me.

I realize it's unhealthy, unproductive and completely unfair to compare oneself to others. I'm usually the supportive person who helps others realize this. But, as with most things with me, knowing doesn't help.

I look at friends, former friends, people I know or used to know, strangers on the street, and I eat my heart out. By my age, my mom and my older sister were both done with having kids (5, and four respectively). And here I am, 27 years old, happily married for five years, still holding out for "someday".

Patrick does not want kids. It's the impenetrable wall in our marriage, the conflicting expectations we didn't realize we had. He really does not want kids: so much so that, when we talk quietly and seriously about it, he will sometimes tell me reluctantly that I might want to think about finding someone else. Someone who wants to raise kids, and a family. Because he's not that guy.

I don't pray. But sometimes, when I want something badly, a burning wish finds it way out of my heart and into the universe, hoping for an answer. And I wish, if I am not meant to have kids with Patrick, that the desire to have them leaves me. I do not want to be this person. I do not want to feel like this. I feel barren and needy, evil and guilty, selfish and pushy, for wanting what I always felt was the most natural thing in the world to have.

Filing System at a Glance

Pending Patrick's approval. Obviously, I'm pretty proud of my organizing efforts. After he's okayed everything and I've prettied up the folders and labels, I can take on the credit cards.

Filing System At a Glance
Current-Year Documents

Location: Filing Cabinet
Drawer I
Household Accounts:
Comcast
Power
DirecTV
Apartment
H2O
T-Mobile
Insurance
Car
Dental
Motel 6
Wal-Mart

Investment Accounts (Non-retirement):
Wal-Mart stock

Retirement Accounts:
401(k) F
401(k) P

Savings and Checking:
Bank

Social Security
Tax Documents
Cocoa
Family Will/Trust
FinishRich Inventory Planner

Drawer II
CREDIT CARD DEBT
Credit Reports
F
P
BA
Best Buy
Circuit City
Dell
Discover
Sam's Club
Sears
OTHER LIABILITIES
Car Loan
MISCELLANEOUS
Immigration
Literary
Medical Records
F
P
Memberships
AAdvantage
Paypal
RewardZone
United
WorldPerks
Official Documents
F
P
Prize Notifications
User Manuals/Warranties

Previous-Years' Documents
Location: Bankers Boxes

2005
401(k) F
401(k) P
BA
Best Buy
Car insurance
Bank
Car Loan
Circuit City
Comcast
Credit Reports – F
Credit Reports – P
Dental
DirecTV
Discover
Life/AD&D Insurance
Apartment
Medical
MMCA
H2O
Power
Sam's
Sears
Social Security
Tax Documents
T-Mobile
Wal-Mart

2004
401(k) F
BA
Best Buy
Car insurance
Circuit City
Bank
Dental
DirecTV
Discover
Medical
MMCA
Sam's
Social Security
Tax Documents
Wal-Mart

2003
401(k) F
Accident
BA
Car insurance
Bank
Circuit City
Dental
DirecTV
Discover
Apartment
Medical
MMCA
Sam's
Social Security
Tax Documents

2002
401(k) F
Accident
Best Buy
Car insurance
Bank
Circuit City
Credit Reports
Dental
Discover
Life/ AD&D Insurance
MBNA
Apartment
Medical
MMCA
NextCard
Sam's
Tax Documents

2001
Best Buy
Credit Reports
Immigration
Apartment
MMCA
NextCard
Tax Documents

iTunes, i hate you.

Forever, and ever, and ever.

For the third time, my 60G iPod and computer had been wiped clean of music. SHIT. I just bought music last week. Oh, and naturally, I don't have any CDs to copy from, because my music was purchased from iTunes.

I don't even have Patrick to to turn to for tech supp on this one; he tried out the iPod for a while, grew disgusted with the unintuitive iTunes interface, and bought a Dell mp3 player.

FK FK FK.

I need a good iTunes emulator.

filing daze

I've been unfair and unreasonable, of course. The introspection and isolation are self-imposed, as is the filing project that consumes most of my newfound time this week.

We returned from Walmart this morning with $80 worth of groceries and office supplies, the latter being reinforcements for the organization efforts. Amid newly-assembled Bankers Boxes and spanking new file folders, pens, staples and paper clips, I found my clutterbusting spirit renewed.

I've made good progress, filling two bags of trash and sorting documents by tax year and category, leaving only current papers in the filing cabinet, and filing all else into the Bankers Boxes. It's quite pretty now, actually.

there are days when you are so
alone inside your own head it seems
your thoughts are eating your brains out
from inside you are

gnawing at yourself, feeling yourself grow
weak and thin and wildish, feral
reluctant and angry
killer and prey

whirling, dancing, dueling inside your own mind.

here's how I've spent my vacation thus far:

Day 1: Sleeping
Day 2: Watching TV, surfing the net
Day 3: Sorting papers

I am going insane.

What Bloodrayne would wear on the red carpet, assuming she shopped haute couture instead of Hot Topic. Not that we're expecting any Oscar nods for the film.



Christian Louboutin's Palace sandal, with a twist. (via Shoewawa) Click the link to see it in its serpentine glory, with crisscrossing serpents on the buckle, and a snakeskin-covered heel. $690 at Neiman's.

lightheaded

i've added chicken broth and crackers to my mostly-liquid diet. Developed a fever around noon yesterday, but sweated it off and slept through most of yesterday. It's probably a sign of my illness that Swanson's chicken broth tastes pretty darn good right now. I want chicken noodle soup, but the only way i'm gonna have it is if I make it, and I don't feel up to a grocery trip just yet, nor am i confident that I'm going to be able to keep down that many ingredients.

called in today

what with the nausea and all. I've been subsisting on Jello and water, since I don't know what else might upset my stomach right now. On the plus side, I get to stay home, and I've already lost 3 pounds (from dehydration, I don't doubt).

I wore the Lerre pumps yesterday, and felt like I was treading on sharp knives by noon. The pain reminded me of "The Little Mermaid" as told by Hans Christian Andersen, not Walt Disney. "Every step she took was as the witch had said it would be, she felt as if treading upon the points of needles or sharp knives; but she bore it willingly..." and "Pride must suffer pain."

i think i might have food poisoning

vomiting episode #2, plus diarrhea.

a day in the life

Celebratory lunch at Osaka Sushi. $70 including tip and one bottle of Gekkeikan Horin


(Photo and link via SignonSanDiego.com)

DSW: Exchanged the Nina Floria for a classic brown Lerre pump with a funky four-inch heel. Also bought a Grasshoppers Westwind canvas shoe for $15.



Stopped by Best Buy to check out the z22. It feels plasticky and cheap compared to the Palm V. I may still get it though.

Borrowed two books from the library. and placed one on hold. These will be my tools during my week away from work: (Images and links courtesy of Amazon.com)


Beauty Secrets for Dummies


Organizing from the Inside Out


Sculpting Her Body Perfect

I already have this book:

The South Beach Diet

Also stopped by the bank to try to refinance the car. Currently we are eight months into a 4-year loan, which has a 14% APR since we're first-time car-loan applicants. We were told at the time that we could refi in six months and get the APR lowered. Though we were approved for a 12% APR, the hitch was that it would be a 24-month term instead, which would raise our monthly payments 50%, so no go.

We also inquired about a debt consolidation loan, but the loan officer said we were not approved at this time, and to try back in six months or so.

planning on a puma and a palm

Puma "Vulcan Cat" sneaker, $31.90 at Nordstrom.

Yes, even on sale they violate Buying Rules 2.0. But they're a whopping $59.95 at Zappos, a necessary measure to placate He-Who-Cosigns-Shoe-Purchases.

To tell the truth, I've been wearing my taller (3") heels even on my days off because I hope to work my way up to hooker-high-but-oh-so-fab Pigalles.

~*~*~*



I'm also thinking about getting a $99 Palm z22, since I've always been an electronic organizer type of gal. I've done without since my Palm V fell apart a few years ago, but I think that's why I've accumulated all this paper clutter since then. Of course, the rounded edges and white color are strong selling points for me as well, as they match my iPod and my Samsung x495 phone.

another workmate's marriage is dissolving

patrick's legal again!

After 5 years of marriage and over $3000 in filing and attorney fees. Why do people assume that being married to a U.S. citizen automatically confers legal status?

Our previous petition was denied in 2002. Thanks to a pilot program called DORA (Dallas Office Rapid Adjustment?), the 1-year green card application process (I-130 + I-485) has been accelerated to just 90 days for family-based petitions.

Processing times vary from one immigration office to the next. To follow up case status, or view processing dates, follow the links from the USCIS website (US Citizenship and Immigration Services, formerly INS)

Over the past three months we've been compiling all sorts of documents to prove that our marriage is real. We spent most of today at one of the satellite buildings of the Dallas immigration office and got our filing and interview done all within a few hours.

It amazes me that some people marry for status, because I don't know how I would have made it through the interview if our marriage were bogus. Besides being asked how we met, what each other's birthdays are and when our anniversary is, we were also asked point-blank whether we had "been living together continuously as man and wife since" the day of our marriage. And what if we'd had problems during that period? Talk about awkward.

Things I've learned:
1. Having a lawyers definitely helps cover all the bases.
2. It's best to keep your cards and IDs updated, and preferably complementary: we were asked to pull out our car insurance cards, debit cards for our joint checking account, as well as our driver's licenses, to see how things matched up.
3. InfoPass rocks! Gone are the long lines and walk-ins of the past; now the only people entertained are those who have gone online and set an appointment, which makes for a shorter visit and a much more pleasant experience.
4. Some people, particularly older Americans who had home births, have no birth certificates, or have delayed or questionable ones that could delay processing of immigration documents, including passports.
5. Till October of this year, a number of Caribbean nations will not require travelers from the contiguous U.S. to have passports.
6. I probably priced myself out of that legal assistant job offer. Owing to caps on medical malpractice cases, firms onces dedicated to this multimillion-dollar legal specialty have had to cut back, and as a result there are scores of experienced paralegals and legal assistants looking for work.

We're expecting some sort of letter to arrive in the mail next week, stating that our application has been accepted and is being processed, along with a case number we can use to follow-up the status of our application online. Patrick may or may not need to go in again for fingerprinting in that time. Within 90 days we should receive an approval notice, or on the 75th day a communication that our application will not be processed within the 90-day period. If that happens we can apply for a new work permit for him in the meantime, and our petition will be processed the usual way.

Assuming we get an approval notice right off the bat, Patrick should get his permanent residency card 3 to 4 weeks after, and it's smooth sailing from there. And then we can travel!

Buying Guidelines 2.0 - for shoes and bags

1. There is no such thing as a breaking-in period. The shoe must fit out of the box.
2. If you are not in love with the item while in the store, don't bring it home.
3. If you don't already have something to wear with it, you probably never will.
4. NEVER pay retail unless under extreme duress (in which case you probably shouldn't be shopping at all). Price ceilings are as follows:
$20 max for an item with a regular retail price of $50-100 (designer label)
$60 max for an item with a regular retail price of $200 or more (couture)

We often discuss or allude to infidelity, probably because we are childless (child-free?) and cheating seems to be a fact of American wedding life -- not a question of "if", but "when".

He says that between the two of us, it's more likely that he'll cheat because he's "the one who does stupid shit" whereas I just...don't.

The sentiment, though incredibly sweet, has me feeling guilty and undeserving.

He doesn't like my shoes.

It was bound to come to this, i suppose. He says that "The 'high heels thing' is nice, but it gets old." This after I bought a pair of silver satin-and-glitter-mesh peep-toes. I'm thinking about returning them. (sigh) The picture doesn't do them justice. They are shimmery and pretty in person.



Nina Floria, approximately $39 at DSW and at Marty Shoes

Mission Impossible: 3

It's good. I'm sorry.

I was prepared to hate the movie. It still took me a good hour to get past "Tom Cruise. Ugh." But I really really enjoyed the strong female roles: Keri Russell as Lindsey Ferris (Bye-bye Felicity!), Maggie Q as Zhen, and even Michelle Monaghan as Julia.

No spoilers here, because I'd rather you watched the movie yourself. (Because Tom Cruise deserves to be richer, right?) It was very refreshing to see realistic women in action roles, i.e., non-supermodel types who neither worship their biceps nor rely on butt shots and pushup bras for the action shots. Zhen in particular is a breath of fresh air, because up until now there were no Asian-American action roles in Hollywood. And yet here she is: not flying from rooftops, not imported from the Hong Kong film industry, not whispering her lines in halting, heavily-accented English. Thank God.

Mother's Day gift suggestions

The girls are celebrating Mother's Day today; they asked me to stop by too, but I begged off, citing Patrick's interest in watching MI:3 today. I'm doubtful we'll be watching this morning -- he stayed up till 4 a.m. playing "Counterstrike: Source" -- but I couldn't very well wake him just so I could have kare-kare-flavored mole at Wal-Mart.

Instead, I bring you gift suggestions for the woman who has everything.

~*~*~*

For the mother-in-law:
the perfect greeting card, "See you next Tuesday!"



$20 for a pack of six, from Grating Cards

~*~*~*

For the shoe- and chocolate-lover:
Chocolate High Heel Shoes,
14 ounces of deliciously sinful and sexy
$34 each from Gayle's Chocolates

I wouldn't mind a pair of the pink one on the far right, just for me.

~*~*~*

For the bag- and cake-lover:
Sweet Couture


"A DEAN & DELUCA EXCLUSIVE. Spring Collection, 2006. Four layers of vanilla-scented butter cake, three layers of chocolate fudge. Pink, hand-embossed crocodile fondant. Hardware, handles and details all entirely hand-cut and trimmed. Only the finest for the fashion-savvy. "
1 lb. 13 oz., six to eight servings
$150.00 from Dean & Deluca

nauseous

I woke up this morning and brewed myself some slightly stronger tea to sip whilst doing my morning pages. I found myself hugging the toilet shortly thereafter.

Since nausea is a feeling I associate with workouts (because I tend to overtrain), I decided I might as well visit the gym. For the first time since we've moved back here. I had a good workout: 15-minute warmup on the treadmill, 30 minutes of weight training, 15 minutes cooldown/stretching. Last night's tornado was all over the news on the gym TV: three reported dead so far from the twister which hit the northeastern part of this very county.

I still don't know what brought on the vomiting. I'm vaguely hopeful it might have been morning sickness (unlikely). I think it's just that I went to bed overly full last night.

My internal dialogue won't turn off. I think I'll be blogging all day.

an evening of discontent

Over time, familiarity with the vicissitudes of your obsessive-compulsive/addictive personality will teach you the prudence of second-guessing yourself: that, when you find yourself pushing for more, more (just one more, please), the necessary recourse is to do without.

In two months' time I've undone six months of diet and exercise. I find myself planning the next sugar fix. Will it be the Mochi, ice cream sandwiches or popsicles from the freezer; or will I be snacking on black forest cake or glazed danishes from the fridge?

The new capris I bought just last Wednesday don't fit anymore. I just want to stuff my face.

~*~*~*

The evening breeze is warm as a lover's body. Lightning flickers in distant clouds. I felt a twinge of pain in the lump in my breast as I was walking the dog, and it occurred to me that the last time I'd seen a doctor was the last time I'd had it checked. Almost ten years ago.

~*~*~*

Check out the brutally honest "Grating Cards" featured on The Cool Hunter.

restless

For no reason at all I've requested May 20th to 26th off. Called up my mom last night to broach the subject of a possible visit, but she felt that one week wasn't worth the airfare, and that I should save up and maybe take off an entire month next year.

And so it is that in 2 weeks' time I will have nothing to look forward to except organizing projects I've put off since we moved in. Ugh.

It may simply be guilt, or projected resentment, but when Patrick visits his family, I worry he might not come back. That he might say "You know what, it's just not worth it anymore."

I don't know why I feel this way. I don't know why I feel so restless and ill-at-ease.

Every evening I spend half an hour trying on outfits, trying to piece together the next day's look from my meager wardrobe. I want (need?) more shoes, bags, and clothes. I can't seem to dress myself anymore. Or maybe it's just easier to say "I have nothing to wear", than to say "I am nothing. I am inadequate."

I would pray but I do not know who to pray to or what to ask for. There are things I vaguely want, things I remember probably wanting, but nothing seems worth the effort anymore.

~*~*~*

~The Lusty Month of May~

my patron saint is Joan of Arc:

heretic, visionary, crossdresser. She was burned as a witch, then canonized as a saint nearly five centuries later.

And so it is that I too have gifts that are curses, talents that at once connect me to and isolate me from the world around me.

Don't ever say "If only I had your abilities..."

You don't. You have yours. You can't promise what you'd do if the tables were turned, but I'd guess that you'd do as much with your life with them as you've done without.

A day without immigrants

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."

- from "New Colossus", by Emma Lazarus
engraved on a plaque in the Statue of Liberty

~*~*~*
Many of my coworkers have requested the day off. Those who go to work today, myself in cluded, will not be spending. Please support our cause. We are not criminals. We are conscientious, productive members of our immigrant society.

The CNN story
A Day Without an Immigrant website