the pit

"There are days, there are days
when your life clouds over
And the world gets so dark
That all at once you can't tell night from day"
~Now That I've Seen Her (Her Or Me) - Miss Saigon

Patrick complains that, while I can usually bring him out of his depression, there is no rescuing me from my own descent into the pit. I could tell you what it takes to keep me from it: aligning my goals and values, healthful diet, regular exercise, proper self-care. I can rattle off the reminders that keep me from going over the edge: "There are days like this." "This too shall pass." "One day at a time." "Progress, not perfection."

But once again the void has sucked me in and a hopeful life is no more than an ephemeral dream.

I realize it usually hits in the midst of a momentous change; that when things are finally making a turn for the better the dark cloud appears out of nowhere and descends me and I collapse to the ground in exhaustion and self-pity "Really, what's the use?"

And times like these are when i really cannot give in and the best thing to do, i've found, is to simply check out mentally: no judgments, no coddling, no indulging myself because i really, really need it. Instead I just pretend to be a normal person, going about her normal life. Even though I feel like a wolf-slash-pit horror disguised in sheep's clothing.