Monday, August 29, 2005

the pit

"There are days, there are days
when your life clouds over
And the world gets so dark
That all at once you can't tell night from day"
~Now That I've Seen Her (Her Or Me) - Miss Saigon

Patrick complains that, while I can usually bring him out of his depression, there is no rescuing me from my own descent into the pit. I could tell you what it takes to keep me from it: aligning my goals and values, healthful diet, regular exercise, proper self-care. I can rattle off the reminders that keep me from going over the edge: "There are days like this." "This too shall pass." "One day at a time." "Progress, not perfection."

But once again the void has sucked me in and a hopeful life is no more than an ephemeral dream.

I realize it usually hits in the midst of a momentous change; that when things are finally making a turn for the better the dark cloud appears out of nowhere and descends me and I collapse to the ground in exhaustion and self-pity "Really, what's the use?"

And times like these are when i really cannot give in and the best thing to do, i've found, is to simply check out mentally: no judgments, no coddling, no indulging myself because i really, really need it. Instead I just pretend to be a normal person, going about her normal life. Even though I feel like a wolf-slash-pit horror disguised in sheep's clothing.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

does it happen monthly?

seriously.

h

faerah said...

no. actually, i just finished with my period last week so that can't be it.

i may just be exhausted and overwhelmed. i think my psychological/spiritual/emotional/well has run dry from all this cramming, rushing and change. So much has happened, to myself and others, and there's so much more to be done.

Anonymous said...

i'm with you, feeling like i'm slipping into my own little pit.

we can't help each other.

f-huck.

h

faerah said...

"your own little pit"?

well in that case, mine is bigger than yours. hahaha

Anonymous said...

yeah... it's little, but deep. and it has slippery sides.

apparently lance armstrong jumps into his own pit in his backyard and tries to climb out of it. it's supposed to remind him of his struggle to survive through cancer.

h