what i've been up to today

Got up. Fed the dog. Played Guild Wars. Had brunch with Patrick. Played fetch with Cocoa. Played Guild Wars. Went to WalMart. Brought a carload of stuff to the apartment. Played Guild Wars. Notice a recurring theme here?

Joined up with some reasonably high-level players earlier who confessed to be "semi-addicted to Guild Wars -- but I can quit anytime I want".

Note to prospective MMORPG participants (that's massively multiplayer online role-playing game for you noobz): Guild Wars is an intriguing intro, for which you pay a one-time fee of $50, the cost of the game. World of Warcraft is the lifestealing REAL DEAL. It'll also set you back $13 a month.

Said teammates mentioned they were "scared of WoW" (World of Warcraft), citing recent news about the death of a South Korean game who spent 50 hours playing Starcraft nonstop:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/technology/4137782.stm

I also found this link on the death of a child of gamer parents. http://english.chosun.com/w21data/html/news/200506/200506140037.html

South Korean is serious about gaming. This country hosted the World Cyber Games from 2001 to 2003 and almost a third of its population is registered for online gaming. In most online games, South Korea can often be seen competing with the US for top honors. Professional gamers can make up to $100k in sponsorship deals.

I want to rant more on what people seem to think the above news says about gamers and games in general. But I think I need to chew on this for a while.

this is a test

anna clarissa tapales natividad

(if you happen by this bit of cyberspace, my apologies sasa)

the pit

"There are days, there are days
when your life clouds over
And the world gets so dark
That all at once you can't tell night from day"
~Now That I've Seen Her (Her Or Me) - Miss Saigon

Patrick complains that, while I can usually bring him out of his depression, there is no rescuing me from my own descent into the pit. I could tell you what it takes to keep me from it: aligning my goals and values, healthful diet, regular exercise, proper self-care. I can rattle off the reminders that keep me from going over the edge: "There are days like this." "This too shall pass." "One day at a time." "Progress, not perfection."

But once again the void has sucked me in and a hopeful life is no more than an ephemeral dream.

I realize it usually hits in the midst of a momentous change; that when things are finally making a turn for the better the dark cloud appears out of nowhere and descends me and I collapse to the ground in exhaustion and self-pity "Really, what's the use?"

And times like these are when i really cannot give in and the best thing to do, i've found, is to simply check out mentally: no judgments, no coddling, no indulging myself because i really, really need it. Instead I just pretend to be a normal person, going about her normal life. Even though I feel like a wolf-slash-pit horror disguised in sheep's clothing.

guys' night out

it's 2 a.m. and i'm awake and home alone. I'd hate to admit that I'm waiting up for Patrick, but I guess I really am. He left before 7 pm, a sendoff party for an Air Force friend who will be stationed somewhere in Asia for a while.

I trust Patrick, I do. However, I do not know any of the people he's with tonight, and I hate it that when I told my married friends he was meeting up with some guys on a weekend night to drink beer and watch football, they all smiled knowingly. Because for most married couples, staying home with the guys, watching football and drinking beer is a euphemism for "we're hitting all the strip joints and pretending to be single but you don't want to know about it".

At least I know he's not drinking.

i'd better get some sleep.

the soonest we can have our internet connection hooked up is the 3rd.

and so i'll be happily logging on from the old bedroom floor till then.

adikadikadikadikadikadikadikadikadikadik....

****

ps- the new apartment is clean now!

pulling the plug

for a wired gal like me, the prospect of having no internet access indefinitely is...unthinkable.

i cannot, will not disconnect my PC just yet. I *must* have access to google and blogs and...and...GUILD WARS.

i must i must i must.

we picked up our keys today

After a 30-minute lease-briefing, which consisted mostly of "And this page just explains..." and "I just need you to initial here...and here...and sign and date here", we got keys to our mailbox and new apartment. She didn't have garage remotes for us so we'll have to stop by the leasing office again tomorrow.

i don't know why I feel a little let-down. The apartment is a darker color scheme than the model, though the floorplan is exactly the same. Carpet, counters, tile...everything is several shades darker than what i was expecting.

Nothing's really out of order, but...i wish there weren't grease stains on the garage floor, soot above the bathroom lights, a crack in the kitchen light fixture, and a flicker in the computer desk light.

It is a nice apartment, don't get me wrong, and as much as we're paying for it, even considering the area, it really had to be nice. I just can't seem to get excited about it. It's a lot of work. We need to vacuum and wipe everything down.

We just came back from Walmart; the airbed arrived today. We plan to clean and set up the bedroom tomorrow morning and get the uHaul truck and pick up furniture from Blanca's in the afternoon.

I guess it's just the money thing. Everything's a little tight right now: end of the month, new expenses due to the move... We just happened to forget about (1) the $100 i owe Blanca for the furniture; (2) the $400 pet deposit; and (3) when Patrick insisted that our move-in date be the Wednesday beginning our vacation (to maximize our time), we didn't take into consideration that we wouldn't be paid until the day after.

And so we came by really late in the day to ensure that the check we issued wouldn't be cashed until tomorrow. Which is why the maintenance guy was no longer around to program our remotes, and why we'll have to wait till tomorrow to apprise them of the lighting problems.

In the end, it's still just about money. And the fact that I'm sad because of money or the lack thereof is even more disheartening.

"may talent ka pala, ba't di yun ang gawin mo? pa-walmart-walmart ka pa..."

it's surprisingly easy to say. Even more disturbing how easily my own words could (and probably should) be turned on me. Everyone's a hypocrite but really, it's nothing to be proud of.

Lloyd is a crack billiards player, apparently. Who knows? Maybe he'll be the next "Bata" Reyes.

********
I think I figured out what's wrong with me. Or at least, why i've been weird lately (besides the fact that i haven't been sleeping right or taking my vitamins or working out).

I haven't been singing. Isn't that weird?

I haven't sung in weeks. My 60 GB monster would be gathering dust if Patrick hadn't bought an "Ace of Base" album and asked me to rip songs to the iPod.

And I thought the day i stopped singing would be the day i died.

am i evil at heart?

i wonder sometimes. It seems that self-care keeps me functional and appropriate, but when I lack sleep and exercise and stuff myself with junk and toxic people I become something unlike my more recognizable self. And then I start to wonder if that just might be the real me peeking through.

In Guild Wars - as in real life - I work in retail

By dint of hard work and scrupulous hoarding of various items in the course of our merry adventures (including items cast off or ignored by other players), Patrick and I have accumulated considerable wealth.

And so it is that when Patrick is offline and I'm not up to a full quest, I head on over to Ascalon City and peddle sundry materials. Such as charr hides for 50 gold or wood planks for 10 gold, or whatever else people are willing to purchase for the median price of the merchant's buying price and the material trader's bulk selling price.

I currently have 9 platinum, without having sold a single dye or charged for runs. And, yes, i know I'm a gaming geek.

tonight in the garage i saw

That.

If I die mysteriously in the next week or so, you know what happened to me.

It's big, black and shiny. See that red hourglass on its underbelly? That's why I didn't try to catch or kill it. I stayed far, far away.

At this point i'm not sure if it scurried out while the garage door was open or if it's lurking there still. I just hope it doesn't suddenly turn up again in a week and bite me in the face while we're moving boxes.

my name is farah, and i am a Guild Wars addict

adikadikadikadikadikadikadikadikadikadikadikadikadikadikadikadikadikadikadikadikadik

In other news, i saw K. E. today. I was flustered, which came as a surprise. It was so long ago, wasn't it?

And that's all i'm going to say about that.

i miss my youth.

there are days like this, of course. Days when I wonder how I got from there to here, how i could have been such a tremendous force of nature at one point and somehow gotten so small.

I do not hate my life, and god knows there was a time (somewhere between then and now) when i was so lost, i desperately hated myself and everything about my life. Still, i miss being youthful and optimistic and utterly convinced i could do and have anything, anything at all.

in case you were wondering, i was not a nice person. Nor was I all that happy. But there are days when i wouldn't mind feeling flawless and powerful and absolutely invincible.

returning to daylight

last night was the first normal night's sleep in days. And I spent it tossing and turning.

I slept through most of today. And now I'm sleepy again.

At least i have two more days off.

i was at work from 5 am to 10 pm today

getting ready for inventory. All told, about 14 hours and 20 minutes of paid company time, which is so much better than last year, when we stayed over 30 hours at the store, in 6-hour increments. But still.

I'll be so glad when Tuesday, Inventory Day, has come and gone. I just want it to be over. Even though, as always, I fear I will be fired right after inventory.

it's amazing what one little checkbox can do

We've got a new place! Apparently, one does not get the keys or one's name on the lease contract until move-in day, which will be August 24th. But it's ours, and we cannot wait.

All we have to do now is schedule the details: vacation time, utilities hookup, change-of-address and various other services. I still cannot believe we went from inquiry to tenancy in just six hours.

We don't have a phone yet but I do know the address so please update your address books, ladies.

back at square one

she remembered.

And so I'm right back where I started: torn between apartment-hunting and homebuying research, pressured to have it all wrapped up and ready for move-in by Aug. 26th...

We'll be looking at other apartments tomorrow. I hope to also attend IKEA Frisco's grand opening where we will at least get 99-cent breakfasts even if we don't bag any other freebies.