We used to wish we could go back in time, Patrick and I, to meet under different circumstances and perhaps have saved each other grief, started our life together earlier, established a more solid financial footing. But we found that we could not think of a different way of finding one another, and that the excitement of finding each other all over again would not be worth the risk of losing each other entirely. Because to change things would mean to be different people from who we were when we met and fell in love.
Though I still have regrets, I've come to conclude that things could not have happened any differently. And to extend that I would have to say that things now also are as they should be. But things are changing and I wish they wouldn't I wish they would stand still I wish I could freeze it all just for now because I don't know what's going to happen and I'm afraid that i've been so happy, things can only go downhill. There's no helping it, tho. What's going to happen is going to happen, with or without me.
My religious friends, of which I have many for some reason, pray for me and offer me biblical wisdom (thanks again for the bible, luz) but on days when i know there's a god and try to pray, only one prayer feels real: "Lord, Thy will be done."
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
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