I will lose myself in you, and resent you for it.

This is my m.o.

I will be everything you could want and hope for me to be, and still be anxious that I'm not doing enough. You will love me -- how could you not? I am all you could have dreamed of, and dying to be more. I am your helpmate, your partner, your backup, your #1 cheerleader, your biggest fan. I am your perfect complement, your soulmate. Ang kabiyak ng iyong puso. The other half of your heart.

And then years of mirroring and balancing you -- propping you up, really -- take their toll. I begin to feel hollow, empty. I mean everything to you and nothing to myself, nothing that really matters, anyway. It makes me sick.

I find myself on the first flight home.

~*~*~*

I hate "Runaway Bride". It hits too close to home. There was a Julia Roberts marathon on TV last weekend, and it got me thinking about that movie.

~*~*~*

When I fall in love with someone new -- whether as a friend or romantic interest -- I immerse myself completely in the other: likes/dislikes, interests, hopes and dreams. But now that I think about it, if someone were to do the same for me, there would be nothing there. None of my so-called interests define me -- all were copied from someone else.

I really, truly, do not exist.

home alone

I am alone in the apartment with nothing but my thoughts, and the more I think the more I'm getting annoyed, then frustrated, then sad. If I'm unhappy, why am I the one who has to change? And why is it that whether I stay or go, the resolution is the same? I need to change, I need to be stronger, I need to be less needy and more independent.

Yes, I know, I need to be anyway.

But I miss the time when just being me was enough.

Kind stranger, whoever you are, I thank you.

I would guess you are in your late forties, early fifties. You seem a kindly, amiable man. You had just picked up the payphone by layaway, and were beginning to dial when I walked by. You nodded and smiled, and I returned your smile quietly. Maybe it was because I did so sadly -- I don't know. But you did a double-take, took a look at my name badge, and exclaimed, "Farah! You are gorgeous!"

I could not help but giggle and smile broadly, in embarrassment. Because you paid me a compliment I may not have deserved but certainly needed that day.

It's been an emotional week.

Things are still tenuous. I don't know where or what I'll be next year. I can only hope to be a better, stronger person for it.

I Am An Illusion

I Am An Illusion lyrics
Rob Thomas
Something to Be

Take this confusion
Runnin' round my head
Take back my unkind words
Lay that weight on me instead
I'm the place where everything turns sour
Where you gonna run to now

Wrong step
You got off track
We need someone to help us get back now
Worn thin
Awful state I was in
I believe I was losing me now I'm found
I am found

I'm not real anymore
I am an illusion
I'm not real anymore
I am an illusion

I am the damage
I am the relief
Sometimes I'm people
I never hoped that I would be
If I take in whatever they turn out
Then what's that gonna make me now
Don't you understand

I'm not real anymore
I am an illusion
Hell, I'm not real anymore
I am an illusion, ah yeah

Wrong step
You got off track
We need someone to help us get back now
Worn thin
Awful state I was in
I believe they were foolin' me
Now I'm down
Well, I am down

But I'm not real anymore
I am an illusion
Hell, I'm not real anymore
I am an illusion

Hell, I'm not real anymore
I am an illusion
God help me I'm not real anymore
Hell, I am an illusion
One, two, three, four

I am sick and tired of people telling me how I feel.

As things are, I will never be an actress. People read my facial expressions differently than I project, and sometimes entirely differently than I feel.

A coworker scared me one time, and everybody who was there said I looked PISSED. OFF. In truth, I was embarrassed and surprised and frightened -- mortified, really -- but none of it showed.

Saturday I was tired (six-day workweek, and Patrick and I had been up till early that morning talking and, uh... talking) , and the girls teased me all day that I was lonesome. Around lunchtime Luz finally caved and told me, "I know you miss your friends, and things aren't the same between us anymore, but if that's what you want, it's okay: I just want to see you happy." WTF.

And the worst thing about it is that the truth doesn't work, and even if people ask and you answer and explain, they still believe what they thought all along.

Tonight I was disappointed and angry, yes. But he said I looked hateful and my glare said "Fuck you." I can't say why things have been so damn prickly lately. I don't mean to cut him down.

I don't know if people give me too much credit, or not enough, but I do feel that no one really knows me.

The universe is trying to tell me something.

These are my Dove chocolate fortunes for the day:

Be fearless.

Go against the grain.

Follow your instincts.

Live your dreams.

I WANNNNNNNTTTTT....

Carlos by Carlos Santana Exude, $99.95 at OnlineShoes.com

this is not how i planned on spending my weekend.

I was supposed to get my birthday celebration with the hubby. I was supposed to be wined and dined by candlelight -- or other soft, complexion-kind romantic lighting -- with red roses and rich chocolates and i-love-yous and lingering kisses. I was supposed to get an operatic serenade at the Macaroni Grill, watch an endearing animated movie and buy new shoes.

Instead I've done dishes, laundry and various household chores; paid library fines; and whiled away the hours at the computer. Just like any other weekend.

I've been refilling the Vicks Vaporizer to try to keep his secretions thin, made inumerable teas and soups, and watched "Over the Hedge" (again) and "Superman Returns" (for the first time) on DVD. Brandon Routh is a cutie.

Dean was dropped off at 4:30 for an hour's babysitting while the in-laws went shopping. A library trip, several bowls of ramen noodles, a few rounds of "Halo 2" and one LAN game of "Warcraft III: Frozen Throne" later, the boys are watching "Over the Hedge" while I prepare dinner: miso soup and homestyle beef and rice.

He is sorry. As he reads over the entry I am typing out he apologizes for being sick, for needing care and putting a damper on our plans. I have one small consolation: I am the reigning Queen of the Frozen Throne.

There are so many things I want to say but can't, but mostly it's that
you who make me so tremendously happy can also make me
so overwhelmingly sad.

~*~*~*

Last Beautiful Girl

Last Beautiful Girl lyrics
Matchbox Twenty
Mad Season

This will all fall down like everything else that was
This too shall pass and all of the words we said
We can't take back

Now, every fool in town woulda left by now
I can't replace all of the wasted days
The memory of your face
I can't help thinkin'

Maybe if we ever coulda kept it all together
Where would we be
A thousand lost forevers
And the promises you never were givin' me
Here's what I'm thinkin'

Won't be the first heart that you break
Wont be the last beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world
(Last beautiful girl, ahh)

So tell me one more time
How you're sorry about the way
This all went down
You needed to find your space
You needed to still be friends
You needed me to

Call you if I ever
Couldn't keep it all together
You'd comfort me (she'll comfort me)
You tell me 'bout forever
And the promises I never should have believed
Here's what I'm thinkin'

Won't be the first heart that you break
Wont be the last beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world
(Last beautiful girl)
The last beautiful girl in the world
(Last beautiful girl)

Its over now and I've gone without
'Cause you're everyone else's girl
It seems to me you'll always be
Everyone else's girl
You're everyone else's girl

This will all fall down
Like everything in the world
This too must end
And all of the words we said
We can't take back and

It won't be the first heart that you break
You wont be the last beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl

It won't be the first heart that you break
You wont be the last beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world
(Last beautiful girl)

The last beautiful girl in the world (Last beautiful girl)
You are the last beautiful girl in the world (Last beautiful girl)
Beautiful girl

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.

That's just the way it is.

My birthday evening post was a denial of sorts: an attempt to cling to whatever good feeling the day had brought before it all came crashing down. Friends made my day; family not so much. It didn't even occur to me till Luz asked me about it, that my mom hadn't called. Anyway.

On Thursday the girls dressed up for me: polished corporate instead of the usual business casual. We went to Panda Express for lunch, where I showed off my mad chopsticks skillz, introduced them to tofu, half-and-half chow mein/rice plates, sweet and sour pork, Chinese chili sauce and the always-popular orange chicken. They later bought me a chocolate cake and had it iced "Happy Birthday, Farah" so they could dunk my face in it and take pictures.

I got a single red rose, a Hershey's candy bar and a Dr. Thunder; and everyone who could make my day was attentive and sweet. Save one.

I stayed to help unload the truck. I had a blast because I was among friends and the interactions were... lively, to say the least. Everyone else left by 5:45. Patrick was supposed to get off work at 5:30, and travel time is less then ten minutes, so I scanned labels till 6, then finally called him.

"Where are you?"
"Oh, I'm at the car wash."
"Alright, I'll get my things. Why didn't you tell me you were on your way?"
"Because I was going to buy you roses."
"Okay."

We met up by the Xboxes and he pointed out the games he wanted to get. I got some groceries and he headed to the wine section and brought back a Martini and Rossi Asti. "Is this okay?"

Perplexed, I replied that I'd had a good Asti and a bad one, so apparently there are differences I'm unaware of (the difference between a Brut and whatever else there might be, maybe?) He told me to go ahead and get the flowers I wanted since he doesn't know how to pick out roses, and he went back and got a Riesling. "I tried this on Thanksgiving at my parents' house, so I know it's good."

We got home, I heated up some leftovers, which he ate while I walked the dog. When we got back he was at the computer, putting together a scrim*. He quit his CAL (Cyberathlete Amateur League) team this week and is putting together one of his own. They were supposed to scrim the other day but not enough people showed up. They finally got one going last night and he was on the computer for a few hours. It went well, he was exuberant, and I hated to bring him down from his high but by 10:30 I'd seen my birthday night go by like any other weekday night.

I clipped the stem ends of the rose bouquet I'd requested last weekend and picked out for myself that night, rearranging them into two milk bottles. I left half a dozen on display on the kitchen counter, viewable from any part of the apartment. The other six red roses sit prettily at my desk, and in the background are the seashell glasses. I've filled two of the seashell glasses with water. One holds a pink carnation, the other a lone rosebud.

I curled up on the carpet next to his computer seat. He was posting the scrim's highlights when I lay my head on his lap and asked if we could talk. He finished up and asked what I wanted to talk about.

"What happened to my birthday?"
"What do you mean?"
"You ate dinner alone, then I ate dinner alone, we were just at our computers, and then I even had to eat my birthday cake by myself."
"We're celebrating this weekend, remember?"

~*~*~*

My mom called me today, apparently they had some new tenants who moved in sooner than she'd anticipated and she was installing window treatments yesterday. Luz brought the gift she's forgotten yesterday, a burgundy cami just like Blanca's which I admired last month, I think.

~*~*~*

From Wikipedia:

"Scrim is also a term frequently used in the world of online gaming (short for Scrimmage). Players use it as a term to mean competition between teams, which are usually made up of organized clans. A scrim is like a match, except not as serious (sometimes just for fun), scores are usually not recorded, and they can be organized spontaneously if enough players are available from each team. The number of players and maybe even teams vary by the game played and the available team members."

Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scrim"

28 looks hopeful.

it's been a long day,
with ups and downs and so much going on, but
all-in-all
it was a good birthday.

It actually is 3 a.m.

I realize it seems like I'm complaining, but I'm really not. I'm just telling it like it is.

I woke up to Cocoa fussing and whining, and Patrick coughing and repeatedly trying to clear his throat. Apparently when I'd asked Patrick last night if it was okay if I slept and would he please walk the dog, he thought I'd said what I always do: that Cocoa's been fed and walked and I was going to bed.

They've both been tended to and have quieted down. Patrick caught a cold or something from the guys at work. He called in yesterday because he'd lost his voice and wouldn't be able to make any calls. Since then he's been living on soups and teas and Tylenol Cold & Sinus and Chloraseptic lozenges. I made hot lemonade and hardboiled eggs as a postmidnight snack, and he took some Vicks 44.

There's no party, but if there were, these would be the shoes for it:


Ribbon Tie Peep Toe Shoe, £50 at Topshop

Happy birthday to me.

3 a.m.

3 a.m. lyrics
Matchbox Twenty
Yourself or Someone Like You

She said it's cold outside and she has no raincoat
She's always worried about things like that
She said it's all gonna end and it might as well be my fault
And she only sleeps when it's rainin'
And she screams and her voice is strainin'

She says baby
It's 3 a.m. I must be lonely
When she says baby
Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes
And the rain's gonna wash away I believe it

She's got a little bit of somethin'
God, it's better than nothin'
And in her color-portrait world
She believes that she's got it all
She swears the moon don't hang
Quite as high as it used to
And she only sleeps when it's rainin'
And she screams and her voice is strainin'

She says baby
When it's 3 a.m. I must be lonely
When heaven she says baby
Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes
Says the rain's gonna wash away I believe this

She believes that life isn't made up of all that you're used to
And the clock on the wall
Has been stuck at three for days, and days
She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway
But outside it's stopped rainin'

Yeah but she says baby
When it's 3 a.m. I must be lonely
When heaven she says baby
Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes
Says the rain's gonna wash away I believe this

When it's 3 a.m. I must be lonely
When heaven she says baby
Well I can't help but be scared of it all sometimes

I wanna be Dita Von Teese when I grow up

Except for the whole "marrying shock rocker Marilyn Manson" bit. Truth be told, the ebony waves I sport are a nod to the burlesque goddess. She is classy and confident, gorgeous and voluptuous, alluring yet demure -- a captivating performer who makes grown men yip and trill. Not to mention her fabulous lingerie and footwear.


Martini glass routine (not for gentle eyes)

Yes, Cameron in the glass in "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle" is an homage of sorts.

AskMen.com feature
Wiki article

Soul

Soul lyrics
Matchbox Twenty
More Than You Think You Are

Hang out my window and over your head
Stare at your feelings to see where they end
You're waitin' here for someone else to break you from the inside
You've been so composed

We all know there's always somethin' tearin' you apart
It's always so much longer than you counted on
And it hits you so much harder than you thought
But you don't worry, you don't worry
'Cause you've got soul

You're so heavy, you're so misunderstood
And I spent all my wishes wishing times were good
When I still could
Wait around here for someone else to take me past the good side
You've been here so long now

We all know there's always somethin' tearin' you apart
It's always so much longer than you counted on
And it hits you so much harder than you thought
But you don't worry, you don't worry
Cause darlin', you've got so much soul
Darlin', you've got so much soul

There's always somethin' tearin' you apart
It's always so much longer than you counted on
And it hits you so much harder than you thought
(Than you ever thought it would)
But you don't worry, you don't worry
You don't worry, and you dont worry
you don't worry, you don't worry
'Cause you've got soul

Cold

Cold lyrics
Matchbox Twenty
More Than You Think You Are

I will do without
The spaces in-between
If you can tell me now
What it means to be

You have been found out
I have been deceived
By the one that I need

Tell me why you gotta be so cold
How'd you get so high
Why you're keeping me low
You don't know, you don't know
Tell me how we're gonna make it last
You're ready to fly
I'm ready to crash
Don't go, don't go, no

You will go without
The better part of me
There will be no doubt
What this all could mean
You will be found out
I can not believe
In the one that I need

Tell me why you gotta be so cold
How'd you get so high
Why you're keeping me low
You don't know, you don't know
Tell me how we're gonna make it last
You're ready to fly
I'm ready to crash
Don't go, don't go away

Tell me why you gotta be so cold
How'd you get so high
Why you're keeping me low
You don't know, you don't know, you don't know
Tell me how we're gonna make it last
You're ready to fly
I'm ready to crash
Don't go
Yeah, don't go

Tell me why you gotta be so cold
Tell me anything about you I don't know
I don't know by now, know by now
Tell me how were gonna make it last
You're ready to fly
I'm ready to crash
Don't go
Yeah, don't go

Unwell

Unwell lyrics
Matchbox Twenty
More Than You Think You Are

All day starin' at the ceilin'
Makin' friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearin' voices tellin' me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for somethin'

Hold on
Feelin' like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Me

I'm talkin' to myself in public
And dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talkin' 'bout me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be somethin' wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinkin'
Somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talkin' in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're takin' me away

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay a while and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be
me

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be (I'm just a little unwell)
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

the wake of Typhoon Durian

Via Yahoo News:
Philippines declares state of calamity after mudslide tragedy
Red Cross: Asia storm toll may hit 1,000

Via CNN.com:
Typhoon death toll may be 'thousands'

Typhoon Durian is the fourth typhoon to hit the Philippines in the past three months. One more is expected before the year's end. Albay, the province hit the hardest, is right next door to my hometown of Iriga City.



Photo from Wikipedia article on Iriga City

My thanks goes out to the governments of Canada, Japan, and the United States, as well as to Netherlands Red Cross for pledging funds to aid relief efforts.

I couldn't help but notice that the funeral home in one of the CNN videos is dedicated to Nuestra Señora de Salvacion: the Virgin Mary, "Our Lady of Salvation". God, You know I don't pray. But this once, "Your will be done" doesn't quite cut it. In case You simply forgot, please remember us in that little corner of the world.

Hand Me Down

Hand Me Down lyrics
Matchbox Twenty
Mora Than You Think You Are

Someday they'll find your small-town world on a big-town avenue
Gonna make you like the way they talk when they're talkin' to you
Gonna make you break out of your shell 'cause they tell you to
Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth
They'll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say
They're gonna break your heart, yeah

From what I've seen
You're just one more hand-me-down
'Cause no one's tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Somebody oughta take you in
Try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel
When they're under your skin
Never once do you think they'd lie when they're holdin' you
You wonder why they haven't called
When they said they'd call you
You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by
You'll start to think you were born blind

From what I've seen
You're just one more hand-me-down
'Cause no one's tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

I'm here for the hard times
The straight-to-your-heart times
When livin' ain't easy
You can stand up against me
And maybe rely on me
And cry on me, yeah
Oh no, no, no

Some day they'll open up your world
Shake it down on the drawing board
Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you

From what I've seen
You're just one more hand-me-down
'Cause no one's tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Lay them down on me, ah yeah
You're just one more hand-me-down
And all those nights don't give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
On me (On me)

Turning 28, and still a n00b

If you feel compelled to speak up because someone told you "If you were *really* her friend you'd...", here's a thought: Don't bother. The fact that you had to be told means you really aren't anymore. You're simply trying to cover your own, and not fooling anyone.

~*~*~*

"You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by
You'll start to think you were born blind"
~ Hand Me Down, Matchbox Twenty (More Than You Think You Are)

Stop

Stop lyrics
Matchbox 20
Mad Season

Yes, it's true that I believe
I'm weaker than I used to be
I wear my heart out on my sleeve
Oh, and I forget the rest of me

Yes, there's times I've been afraid
And there's no harm in that I pray
'Cause I'm more frightened every day
Someone will take the hope I have away

But you gotta give it up
To get off sometimes
You gotta give it up
To get off sometimes
You gotta give it up
To get off sometimes, I know

You gotta give it up
To get off sometimes
You gotta give it up
To get off sometimes
You gotta give it up
To get off sometimes, I know

All the times I've given in (one by one I)
You fit me like a second skin (one by one I)
One by one I will begin
To wear you on the days I'm feeling thin

But you gotta give it up
To get off sometimes
You gotta give it up
To get off sometimes
You gotta give it up
To get off sometimes I know

Hey, you gotta give it up
To get off sometimes
You gotta give it up
To get off sometimes
You gotta give it up
To get off sometimes I know

You better stop, stop, stop
Usin' me up
You better stop
"Cause I've had enough
And I'm ready to forget the reasons
Keep me here

Walk in the rain
You will even if you're never gonna change
Good god, need a little love while
You find what you think you're gonna be, child

Now you better stop, stop, stop
Usin' me up
You better stop
'Cause I've had enough
And I'm ready to forget the reasons, oh the reasons
Keepin' me here

(You find what you're gonna be, child)

it's icy out.

Snow flurries blinded me as I left the store yesterday. It's not so bad today, though the apartment complex's freeze warning signs are still out, advising that we leave our faucets dripping to prevent the pipes from bursting. The store was abuzz with tales of a coworker's accident yesterday. Apparently she and her little dog Lucky made the local news when she swerved to avoid an accident, skidded on black ice, drove off the road and into a pond.

December already. Another month, another year, another milestone. If you don't like seeing me sad, invest in blinders. Sad is where i live. I've just been away for a while. Why else is my music collection mostly sad love songs?

Oh, Rob. You know the truth so well, and you speak it so plainly. These are the lyrics that echo in my head:

"I'm not sayin' there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me"
- Leave

"They're only what they think of you."
- Problem Girl

I like the line "You're hell on wheels in a black dress" (Disease), even though the imagery is off, like a goth roller derby chick.

It's 2 a.m., and I sit at my computer desk in a pink terry cloth bathrobe and pink flannel Tweety sleep pants, with Campbell's Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup, a cup of green tea and Lay's potato chips. Patrick is drunk on vodka. Booze makes him a more efficient CSS player: numbed to the danger, inured to the kill, and intent on accomplishing the mission. He seems a natural-born killer. Being a Navy brat, I don't really want him to go into the service and put us through the strain of a married military life, but I've told him before that if something were to happen to me, he should probably enlist.

He's asked me what I want for my birthday. I've settled on red roses, chocolates, and dinner and an operatic birthday serenade at Macaroni Grill. He'll probably do the first two the day of, and the rest next weekend. I want Harry and David's Tower of Chocolates Collection: it seems to be the cheapest way to get the chocolate-covered cherries and Moose Munch popcorn that I love. And of course the chocolate mints and truffles are a welcome bonus.



Tower of Chocolates® Collection, $36.95 at Harry and David

Leave

Leave lyrics
Matchbox 20
Mad Season

It's amazing
How you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all

It's unnerving
How just one move puts me by myself
There you go just trustin' someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell

I'm not sayin' there wasn't nothing wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
I'm not sayin' we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me

But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been dependin' on
The one you're leavin' now
The one you're leavin' out

It's aggravatin'
How you threw me on and you tore me out
How your good intentions turn to doubt
The way you needed time to sort it out

And I'm not sayin' there wasn't nothin' wrong
I just didn't think you'd ever get tired of me
And I'm not sayin' we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn't wanna let it get away from me

But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been dependin' on
The one you're leavin' now
The one you're leavin' out

The one you're leavin' out
The one you're leavin' now, now, no, no
The one you're leavin' out

I'm not sayin' there wasn't nothin' wrong
I didn't think you'd ever get tired of me

But if that's how it's gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then we'll see who's sorry now
If that's how it's gonna stand, when
You know you've been dependin' on
The one you're leaving now, now, hell well

Tell me is that how it's going to end
When you know you've been dependin' on
The one you're leavin' now
And the one you're leavin' out
I'm the one you're leavin' now
The one you're leavin' out

aishwarya rai

Miss World 1994

Official site
All-Pictures-Photos Gallery
Wiki article



Ugly dots my foot. Isn't she gorgeous?

!

!!!

At the gym I find myself checking out other people's

Exercise form? No. Physiques? Ha. It's their shoes. I need a second serviceable pair of workout shoes.

~*~*~*

Caroline was at the gym during my workout. So much for slacking off today. She checked up on me when she'd finished her session with another trainee, and showed me how to use the squat machine. And despite all my griping I actually had a satisfying total-body workout. I still feel self-conscious, though. I wonder if it would help if I wore more flattering workout clothes, i.e., actual coordinated fitness outfits, as opposed to wardrobe rejects I was planning on donating to Goodwill because they are worn, stained or just plain ugly.

~*~*~*

Alice Cooper's Poison is sexyfabulous. (See lyrics below.) The vid was almost great, ruined only by the laughable ending.

~*~*~*

The birthday goodies keep on coming. Romano's Macaroni Grill emailed a coupon for a free piece of chocolate cake, which is fabulous because I still want that operatic birthday serenade. (I missed out last year because my birthday just happened to fall on their singer's day off.) And this morning while at work I got a call from American Laser Centers, and was told that I'd won $300 towards any of their laser hair removal or skin rejuvenation packages. If I sign up by tomorrow I can take advantage of their end-of-the-month specials: an additional $100 off plus a free microdermabrasion gift card. Too bad I don't have an extra grand lying around to splurge on unplanned laser hair removal.

Poison

Poison lyrics
Alice Cooper
Trash

Your cruel device
Your blood, like ice
One look could kill
My pain, your thrill

Chorus:
I wanna love you but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison running through my veins
You're poison
I don't wanna break these chains

Your mouth, so hot
Your web, I'm caught
Your skin, so wet
Black lace on sweat

Chorus:
I hear you callin' and it's needles and pins (And pins)
I wanna hurt you just to hear you screamin' my name
Don't wanna touch you but you're under my skin (Deep in)
I wanna kiss you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison runnin' through my veins
You're poison
I don't wanna break these chains
Poison

One look could kill
My pain, your thrill

Chorus:
I wanna love you but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison
You're poison runnin' through my veins
You're poison
I don't wanna break these chains
Poison

Chorus:
I wanna love you but I better not touch (Don't touch)
I wanna hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I wanna kiss you but I want it too much (Too much)
I wanna taste you but your lips are venomous poison, yeah
I don't want to break these chains

Poison, oh no
Runnin' deep inside my veins
Burnin' deep inside my veins
It's poison
I don't wanna break these chains
Poison

Now *that's* a dedication.

It's 5 a.m., and I haven't been able to sleep, but this brought tears to my eyes.

From the Wiki article on lyricist Howard Ashman:

"Ashman died on March 14, 1991, at age 40, during the making of both 'Beauty and the Beast' and 'Aladdin'. Ashman and Menken had finished the songs for 'Beauty and the Beast', but Tim Rice was brought in to finish Aladdin songs with Menken. 'Beauty and the Beast' was dedicated to him with the following:

To our friend, Howard,
Who gave a mermaid her voice,
and a beast his soul.
We will be forever grateful.
Howard Ashman
1950-1991"

All I Need

All I Need lyrics
Matchbox 20
More Than You Think You Are

Everywhere someone's gettin' over
Everybody cries
And sometimes you can still lose even if you really try
Talkin' 'bout the dream
Like the dream is over
Talk like that
Won't get you nowhere
Everybody's trusting in the heart
Like the heart don't lie

Chorus:
And that's all that I need, yeah
Someone else to cling to, yeah
Someone I can lean on
Until I don't need to
Just stay all through the night and
In the mornin' let me down
'Cause that's all that I need right now

Everywhere someone's gettin' over
Everybody's life is someone
People still use other people with a crooked smile
And all around the world there's a sinkin' feelin'
Out there right now someone's feeling down
On themselves and don't know why
Every night

Chorus:
And that's all that I need, yeah
Someone else to cling to, yeah
Someone I can lean on
Until I don't need to
Just stay all through the night and
In the mornin' let me down
'Cause that's all that I need right now

And life ain't no beauty show
We don't know where tomorrow ends
And when we're sad
It's kind of a drag, oh

Just stay all through the night and
In the mornin' let me down
Yeah, 'cause that's all that I need
Yeah, that's all that I need
Yeah, that's all that I need
That's all that I need right now
Right now

my birthday came early this year

Today I received:

a coupon for a free NesQuik milkshake
a coupon for a free Armor All product
a coupon for $5 off a purchase of $19.90+ at DSW
and "Don't Play With Matches", the collection of demo and studio recordings that led to the self-titled album by Tabitha's Secret <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tabitha%27s_Secret> (Rob Thomas's original band). The early version of "3 a.m." sounds so lazy, haha.

Bianca and I settled on lunch plans for my birthday: Panda Express.

~*~*~*

Had my first strength training workout today, and I feel pretty good about it. I love love love the Precor Stretch Trainer -- it's my favorite piece of gym equipment.



Precor Stretch Trainer, $795 at BigFitness.com

~*~*~*

In other news, Patrick may be joining up with a different, more serious clan; I'm seriously considering auditioning for "American Idol" next year; and Cocoa ran away this morning. We found her, and she's safely back home, but I was 12 minutes late for work.

exhausted

i am done with trying to figure it all out. I've been thinking so long and so hard, trying to turn it over in my head, trying to make sense of it, trying to understand. I can't anymore. I'm tired of this.

If I were truly honest, I might have to say that I feel I have been toyed with. I am angry, I suppose. And hurt, and resentful.

Instead I say "You're confusing me!". And, "Okay honey, if that's what you want."

This weekend is finally, finally over.

Saving yourself for marriage isn't all the romantic crap it's cut out to be. The biggest problem of course being that you're signing away your sex life till the day you die to someone you've never tried it out with, and can only hope you will be sexually compatible with.

i should have known.

Just when you think you have it all figured out,
life throws you a curve ball.

Just shoot me, please.

The next time I begin to think I know anything about anything,
just shoot me.

I've officially entered the realm of the fucked up.

woulda shoulda coulda

Caught the beginning of the Star Trek: TNG episode "Transfigurations" on G4. Geordi is asking for dating advice and Worf tells him, "Words come later. It is the scent that first speaks of love."

~*~*~*

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm getting so confused. I don't want to stop. But I know what needs to be done.

Still haven't started my diet. I skipped Wednesday's workout because I was tired; Friday's because I didn't have the time, I'd only had two hours of sleep, and I could play catchup on Saturday; and today well... I just didn't feel like it. I still weigh 130 on the scale here at home, so if Monday's gym reading is still 133.5, then it's not a backslide, merely a postponement.

I don't wanna I don't wanna I don't wanna...

Goodbye

Goodbye lyrics
Air Supply
Ultimate Air Supply

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have so much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And I'll never criticize
All you've ever meant to my life

I don't wanna let you down
I don't wanna lead you on
I don't wanna hold you back
From where you might belong

Chorus:
You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You deserve a chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure I'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

I don't wanna let you down
I don't wanna lead you on
I don't wanna hold you back
From where you might belong

Chorus:
You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say but goodbye

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way than to say goodbye

no wonder patrick doesn't need to work out, and i do

I eat thrice as much as he does.

My throat is sore and I should have been home and in bed three hours ago, but I feel fine. I had three plates of Thanksgiving dinner: entrees x 2 plus one for all the desserts. Spent most of the evening singing karaoke. An adorable little pigtailed tot named Hannah sat two feet across from me, in rapt attention through my rendition of Hero (Wind Beneath My Wings). Then she stood up, tripped on the microphone cord and burst into tears. Awww.

Someone brought a mini-pinscher named Rocky who was so timid and quiet we couldn't help but feel sorry for him. I shredded turkey onto a dessert plate and fed him as he watched "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me".

Most of my evening was spent hogging the karaoke mic. There was a longhaired guy there who apparently is also a Matchbox 20 fan. He queued up and sang "Bent" and "Unwell" and I took "If You're Gone". Patrick and I weren't the last guests to arrive, but we were the last to leave. Towards the end of the party I made my way through the song listing to my old favorites: The Carpenters, Gloria Estefan and Jewel, including "Near You Always".

Near You Always

Near You Always lyrics
Jewel
Pieces of You

Please don't say I love you
Those words touch me much too deeply
And they make my core tremble
Don't think you realize the effect you have over me
And please don't look at me like that
It just makes me want to make you near me always

And please don't kiss me so sweet
It makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
And please don't touch me like that
Makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
And please don't come so close
It just makes me want to make you near me always

Please don't bring me flowers
They only whisper the sweet things you'd say
And don't try to understand me
Your hands already move too much anyway
It makes me wanna make you near me always

And when you look in my eyes
Please know my heart is in your hands
It's nothing that I understand
But in your arms you have complete power over me
So be gentle if you please 'cause your hands are in my hair
but my heart is in your teeth, baby
And it makes me want to make you near me always

Your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth, baby
And it makes me wanna make you near me always
Wanna be near you always
Wanna be near you always
Wanna be near you always

happy thanksgiving, all

I didn't watch the Macy's Thanksgiving parade nor the Cowboys game, so don't ask me who won. It was a beautiful day for a walk: clear blue skies, balmy breeze. Despite the landscapers' efforts, bright yellow dandelions still thrive around here. I plucked one for myself while walking Cocoa this morning. It sits limp and dejected on my cluttered desk; I'd forgotten to put it in water when we got home.

I'm all dressed up and ready for Thanksgiving dinner. I'm tapping out a blog entry in a black velvet dress and lace-trimmed leggings. The apartment smells like Thanksgiving. I have a pecan pie, a pumpkin pie and two flans cooling on the stove. Just waiting for Patrick to get dressed and we're headed off to the in-laws'. Yes, it's 8 pm, but they eat late. Really late.

Got off the phone half an hour ago. I've been catching up with my mom and little sister (yes, you'll always be my "little" sister), wishing everyone a happy holiday and whatnot. Apparently the older sis is working on baby #5. She'll be 30 in February.

And I'll be 28 next month and still barren.

okay, things I am thankful for:

a loving husband
an affectionate dog
good health

and wonderful friends who keep me smiling.

Downfall

Downfall lyrics
Matchbox 20
More Than You Think You Are

I wonder how you sleep
I wonder what you think of me
If I could go back
Would you have ever been with me
I want you to be unleased
I want you to remember
I want you to believe in me
I want you on my side

chorus:
Come on and lay it down
I've always been with you
Here and now
Give all that's within you
Be my savior
And I'll be your downfall
Oh-hoh, oh-hoh, oh-hoh

Here we go again
Ashamed of being broken in
We're getting off track
I wanna get you back again
I want you to trouble me
I wanted you to linger
Yeah, I want you to agree with me
I want so much so bad

chorus:
Come on and lay it down
I've always been with you
Here and now
Give all that's within you
Be my savior
And I'll be your downfall
Oh-hoh, oh-hoh, oh-hoh

Yeah, be my savior
(Only love can save us now
Come lay me down
Only love can save us now)

I'll be your downfall
(I'll be your downfall
Our love can save us now
Oh-hoh, save me now)

Lay it down
I've always been with you
Hear me now
With all that's within you
Be my savior
And I'll be your downfall
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
(Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh)

Now I'm back on my own
Hear my feet, they're made of stone
Man, I make you go where I go
Well here can I take you home
Well, I'm coming home on my back
Is it me or this painted black

Saying oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Let me be your downfall
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh
Let me be your downfall, baby
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh

Session 1 of 2 with caroline: fitness trainer

I'm crazy to post these stats up here. But you already knew that about me.

Body weight: 133.5 lbs. (according to their scale)
Body fat %: 25.1
Chest: 34"
Waist: 30.25"
Hips: 40"
Thigh: 24.25"
Arm: 12"

Measurements were taken by Caroline. The horrendous waist measurement is actually at belly button level, which she says is a person's true waist. Hip measurements were taken at the widest part. Still, I am horrified.

I've chosen the fitness program outlined in the book "Sculpting Her Body Perfect". I gave her copies of my planned routines for both the six-week conditioning program and subsequent toning and shaping phase. She reviewed my diet and goals (10-pound weight loss and increased muscle tone), and prescribed 30 mins of cardio five days a week. She had me warm up on the elliptical trainer then worked me through one set each of some of my planned exercises. We'll continue next Tuesday.

I spent the next half-hour on the elliptical, burning 250 calories whilst lip-syncing to Ms. Estefan's "Gloria!" album. I need more workout music.

Feel

Feel lyrics
More Than You Think You Are
Matchbox 20

What you want, what you got
Live your life in a crawl space
I'll help you out but you don't want a chance at a better life
You said you never took a ride and now you wanna play
Well, its a big, big city lemme show you around some time
Ah, some time

Chorus:
And now you crossed that line
You can't come back
Tell me how does it feel now
It's too late too much to forget about
Can't stop now
How does it feel now
I'm only askin' because I wanna know
How you wanna feel

Well, I'm a wreck
I'm a mess
I'm a spot on the pavement
I'm a number on your wall
I make you so tired
Yeah, and I don't think I like this game no more
It goes around around around
I'll tell you one more time
Yeah, one more time

Chorus:
And now you crossed that line
You can't come back
Tell me how does it feel now
It's too late too much to forget about
Can't stop now
How does it feel now
I'm only askin' because I wanna know
How you wanna feel

How you wanna feel

Chorus:
And now you crossed that line
You can't come back
Tell me how does it feel now
It's too late too much to forget about
Can't stop now
How does it feel now
Well, I'm only askin' because I wanna know
How you wanna feel

How you wanna feel
How you wanna feel

first workout today

I put it off for as long as I could. I felt unwell, lost my water bottle, and forgot my hair tie, my iPod and my socks, but I went anyway. And was actually better for it. Forty minutes on the treadmill and twenty minutes of stretching.

I felt very much like a little girl lost amongst all the unfamiliar machines, even though Christian -- the fitness guy who toured me around -- had been kind enough to demonstrate some of them on my first visit. I hope tomorrow's meeting with Caroline will help me get my bearings.

The girls want to celebrate Thanksgiving on Wednesday, in skirtsuits and boots, with mole and leche flan and homemade salsa. I was thinking about bringing carrot-raisin salad too but I'm starting to think I won't even have time to make the flan tomorrow.

Today's Dove chocolate fortune reads, "Sometimes one smile means more than a dozen roses." Though these days if I want to smile, all I need to remember is:

"Peet stop?"

Photo courtesy of the official "Cars" website.

Disease

Disease lyrics
Matchbox 20
More Than You Think You Are

Feels like you made a mistake
You made somebody's heart break
Now I have to let you go
I have to let you go

You left a stain
On every one of my good days
But I am stronger than you know
I have to let you go

No one's ever turned you over
No one's tried
To ever let you down
Beautiful girl
Bless your heart

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy, baby
I cant live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from it
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease

Feels like you're makin' a mess
You're hell on wheels in a black dress
You drove me to the fire
And left me there to burn

Every little thing you do is tragic
All my life before was magic
Beautiful girl
I can't breathe

I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what I am supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from me
Don't pay no attention to me
I got a disease

And well I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is comin' down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep tellin' myself it that won't take long till
I'm free of my disease

Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease, whoa

Yeah well I got a disease
Deep inside me
Makes me feel uneasy baby
I can't live without you
Tell me what am I supposed to do about it
Keep your distance from me
Dont pay no attention to me
I got a disease

I think that I'm sick
But leave me be while my world is coming' down on me
You taste like honey, honey
Tell me can I be your honey
Be, be strong
Keep telling myself it that won't take long till
I'm free of my disease
Yeah well free of my disease
Free of my disease

Casino Royale

It's not the Bond movie you're expecting. It's missing the silly busty girls and high-tech gadgets and is a little longish and gritty.

No real review here, just quick observations that are mostly irrelevant and/or distracting to someone planning on watching.

* Daniel Craig isn't my idea of Bond, but supposedly he's most true to Ian Fleming's vision. Personally, I think he looks like he might be Clinton Kelly's rugged, athletic older brother. It's those blue eyes. What do you think?




Clinton Kelly, of TLC's What Not to Wear




Daniel Craig, 007

* He does have a rather nice derriere, best featured when he was hanging from the tank truck at the airport.

* If you haven't guessed from the photo, the girls aren't as buxom or brainless. Nor do they have silly names.

* He drives up to the hotel in the Bahamas in a Ford. 007. In a Ford. I know.

* Chirs Cornell (of Audioslave, and formerly Soundgarden) wrote and sang the opening track, "You Know My Name".

~*~*~*

In other news I was googling Michael Schumacher and found this video clip of a sexy girl named Alizee wriggling in a black bodysuit. Fuzzy logic or something, go figure. Near the end she does the WoW female night elf dance. Enjoy, boys.

Jen Ai Marre

You Won't Be Mine

You Won't Be Mine lyrics
Matchbox 20
Mad Season

Take your head around the world
See what you get
From your mind
Write your soul down word for word
See who's your friend
And who is kind
It's almost like a disease
And I know soon you will be

Over the lies, you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love and will carry on
No but no, oh no
No, you won't be mine

Take your straight line for a curve
Make it stretch, the same old line
Try to find if it was worth what you spent
Why you're guilty for the way
You're feelin' now
It's almost like bein' free
But I know soon you will be

Over the lies, and you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love and you will carry on
No but no, oh no
No you won't be mine

Take yourself out to the curb
Sit and wait
A fool for life
And it's almost like a disease
Well I know soon you will be

Over the lies, and you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love and you will carry on
No but no, oh no, oh no
No you won't be mine

saturday morning

Three phone calls this morning from my new gym. I signed up for a membership with the gym across the street from work, and ended up spending twice as much as I'd meant to in order to get two sessions with Caroline, one if the gym's most requested trainers. We start Tuesday. Yes, as in Thanksgiving week.

I find myself listening and relistening to "The Difference" and, though I cannot tell you why, my heart is breaking.

The Difference

The Difference lyrics
Matchbox 20
More Than You Think You Are

Slow dancin' on the boulevard
In the quiet moments while the city's still dark
Sleepwalkin' through the summer rain and the tired spaces
You could hear her name when she was warm and tender
And you held her arms around you
There was nothin' but her love and affection
She was crazy for you
Now she's part of somethin' that you lost

Chorus:
And for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you wanna be
Yeah, what you wanna be
Yeah, what you wanna be

Night swimmin' in her diamond dress
Makin' small circles move across the surface
Stand watchin' from the steady shore
Feelin' wide open and waiting for
Somethin' warm and tender
Now she's movin' further from you
There was nothin' that could make it easy on you
Every step you take reminds you that she's walking on

chorus:
Yeah, for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want

Every word you never said
Echoes down your empty hallway
And everything that was your world
Just came down

Day breakin' on the boulevard
Feel the sun warmin' up your secondhand heart
Light swimmin' right across your face
And you think maybe someday, yeah
Maybe someday

chorus:
For all you know
Yeah, this could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want

Yeah, for all you know
For all you know
Yeah, for all that you know
This is what you wanna be
Girl, what you wanna be

You're So Real

You're So Real lyrics
Matchbox 20
More Than You Think You Are

Yes I am
I hope you think you beat me
Hope I start talking crazy
Before you understand me
Are we through
You think that I'm beneath you
But you like the things that I do
Wrap 'em up and take 'em with you

I'm alright
Hope I can sleep for one night
If not to cool my insides
Maybe to calm my backside
Rain on me
I got a weakness in me
I think that weakness feeds me
I don't think you think you need me
Sunshine, you're the best time
I ever, ever had
But I think I made you feel bad
A black fly on your necktie
Time after time

Chorus:
But when the sun starts sinkin'
On your beautiful soul
Make you cry, cry baby
Make you feel so cold
Don't you know it's alright
Sometimes you just got to show how you feel
'Cause that's you baby
Hell, you're so real

Run this round in your head
Like you don't know what's on the inside
You don't know me too well
You ain't seen my bad side
Shame on me, shame on the things that I be
If you could complicate me
If you could get inside me
Sometimes, you're the best time
I've ever, ever known
A pretty girl with a wicked smile on
But I've cried for the last time
Something just don't feel right

Chorus:
But when the sun starts sinkin'
On your beautiful soul
Make you cry, cry baby
Make you feel so cold
Don't you know it's alright
Sometimes you just got to show how you feel
'Cause that's you baby
Hell, you're so real

You always know just who you are
You never needed someone else
To realize yourself

Chorus:
Hell when the sun starts sinkin'
On your beautiful soul
Make you cry, cry baby
Make you feel so cold
Don't you know it's alright
Sometimes you just got to show how you feel
'Cause that's you baby
Hell, you're so real

Yeah baby, you're so real
Yeah baby, you're so real
So real, so real
Oh god, yeah
Yeah, yeah
hey!

Could I Be You

Could I Be You lyrics
Matchbox 20
More Than You Think You Are

Something is wrong with the sum of us
That I can't seem to erase
How can I be the only one
Without a smile on my face

Chorus:
Well now, you're laughing out loud
At just the thought of bein' alive
And I was wonderin'
Could I just be you tonight

You show your pain like it really hurts
And I can't even start to feel mine
Well, I'm standing in place
With my head first and I shake, I shake
And I see your progress stretched out for miles and miles

Chorus:
You're laughing out loud
At just the thought of bein' alive, yeah
And I was wonderin'
Could I just be you tonight

This is the sound that I make
These are the words I chose
Somehow the right thing to say
Just won't come out
Just won't come out

Chorus:
And you're laughing out loud
At the thought of bein' alive
And I was wonderin'
Could I just be you tonight

And I was wonderin'
Could I just be you tonight

na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na

And I was wonderin'
(Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na)
And I was wondering
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
Yeah, and I was wonderin'
(Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na)
I was wonderin', ah yeah

Sunday morning

I have four short, squat juice glasses on the ledge overlooking my computer desk. They are half-filled with tiny seashells. Some customer returned a package of Southeast Asian seashells, and Larry gave them to me to buy for a buck. The shells are just like the ones we used to pick up off the beaches back home, during childhood weekends at the beach.

The roses have died, and I separated the petals and topped off the seashell glasses. I reach for one every so often as I sit at my computer, breathing in the heady fragrance of roses.

Patrick left to visit his parents last night, and didn't get back until after I'd gone to bed. There was a mini Hershey's chocolate bar waiting on my keyboard this morning, and a Goldilocks ensaymada on the kitchen counter. I must prevail.

strange dreams and pleasant surprises

It's nice outside today: sunny but chilly in the shade.

I've been sleeping irregularly once again, inciting strange patchwork dreams of half-formed thoughts.

I was singing to myself at the start of yesterday's shift when Cheryl asked if I sing in my sleep. Before sleeping last night I was browsing online for fragrances, of which I think I would like to sample "Ralph" by Ralph Lauren and "Angel" by Theirry Mugler.

In my dream people had stopped listening to my singing: they were tired of it, and would i please stop, they said. I pursed my lips and bit my tongue, and as I stepped outside and joined the pedestrians milling about the sidewalks I almost stumbled over a little girl with a beat-up suitcase. "Please," she said. "My mother died and I need the money." In the bag were perfume bottles. She had "Acqua di Gio", "Obsession", and "Ralph" but not "Angel".

I'm on Day 2 of South Beach Diet Phase One, and already down to 130 lbs, which was my target weight for Thanksgiving. All I really expected this week was to stall the continual gain. Either I'm dehydrated, or diets too come with some sort of placebo effect.

Bright Lights

Bright Lights lyrics
Matchbox 20
More Than You Think You Are

She got out of town on the railway, new york bound
Took all except my name
Another alien on broadway
Well, some things in this world you just can't change
Some things you can't see until it gets too late

Chorus:
Baby, baby, baby when all your love is gone
Who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world
And maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something that's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around and come on home

I got a hole in me now
I got a scar I can talk about
She keeps a picture of me in her apartment in the city
But some things in this world
Man, they don't make sense
Some things you don't need until they leave you
And then they're things that you miss, you say

Chorus:
Baby, baby, baby when all your love is gone
Who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world
And maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something that's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you
You should turn yourself around and come on home

Let that city take you in (come on home)
Let that city spit you out (come on home)
Let that city take you down, yeah
For God's sakes turn around

Chorus:
Baby, baby, baby when all your love is gone
Who will save me from all I'm up against out in this world
Ah well maybe, maybe, maybe
You'll find something that's enough to keep you
But if the bright lights don't receive you, well
Turn yourself around and come on home

Yeah, come on home
Baby, baby, baby, baby
Come on home
Yeah, come on home
Yeah, come on home
Yeah, come on home
Baby, baby, baby, baby

happiness is...

... three perfect red roses in full bloom on my desk.

... a waffle cone of rocky road ice cream prepared by the hubby while I was blogging.

... a well-behaved chocolate Lab with adoring eyes.

... shopping for sexy leopard print shoes.

Wild about leopard

Leopard print shoes, that is.

Bargain basement: (less than $50)




Windsor Fashions Leopard Print Platform pump
Available 12/5/06. Call 888-494-6376 to place an advanced order.
~*~*~*

Mid-range: ($50 to 150)



Victoria's Secret classic pump, $55 or Special Any 2/$88 at Victoria's Secret
~*~*~*


Victoria's Secret platform pump, $55 or Special Any 2/$88 at Victoria's Secret
~*~*~*


Guess Carrie 2, $93.95 at Zappos
~*~*~*


Guess Date 2, $98.95 at Zappos
~*~*~*


Steve Madden Carmin, $100.95 at Zappos
~*~*~*


Steve Madden Rumbble, $113.95 at Zappos
~*~*~*


Steve Madden Lemore1, $149.95 at Steve Madden
Dark vs. light platform, in case you were wondering how it differs from previous.
~*~*~*

Purely aspirational: ($150+)


Manolo Blahnik leopard print sandal, $530 at Bergdorf Goodman
~*~*~*


Manolo Blahnik leopard print suede Mary Jane, $545 at Neiman Marcus
~*~*~*


Hair-Calf Tiger print D'Orsay, $585 at Neiman Marcus
Yes, wrong cat. It's tiger, not leopard. Still, aren't these just fabulous?
~*~*~*

a friendly warning for fellow sporting dog owners

There's a reason why last last Saturday's theme song was "Bent".

We gave Cocoa a bath with water that was colder than usual, after which she developed "cold water tail". She was in pain for the first few days, uneasy for the next week, and finally back to 100% today.

DO NOT BATHE YOUR DOG IN WATER THAT IS TOO HOT OR TOO COLD. That is all.

while he was gone,

he learned to say "i missed you"
in Tagalog.

And so, despite all my safeguards
I find I am

deeply, deeply touched.

i miss my hair.

The last four inches or so had gotten kinda crispy, thanks to a year of highlighting, subsequent recolorings, and blow-drying most days of the week. For the past month people have been telling me I need a haircut. I held out till Halloween, but now that the Wonder Woman fun is over I finally had to give it up.

I miss the length. My hair is shoulder-length now, bouncier and certainly much healthier, but on the whole it feels like I gave up womanly for cute.

It should be back, and in better shape, by summer.

(sigh)

when narcissus falls in love

For the self-centered individual, infatuation takes on a love-hate form. The newly-beloved is also reviled, as competition and usurper. The frantic urgency to know and possess (and perhaps, to conquer) the other is an attempt demystify the holy, tear down the pedestal and unseat the enthroned -- thus, restoring order and reaffirming one's place in the center of the universe.

Lonely No More

Lonely No More lyrics
Rob Thomas
Something to Be

Now it seems to me
That you know just what to say
But words are only words
Can you show me something else
Can you swear to me that you'll always be this way
Show me how you feel
More than ever baby

Chorus:
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't wanna know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't want to be lonely anymore

Now it's hard for me when my heart's still on the mend
Open up to me, like you do your girlfriends
And you sing to me and it's harmony
Girl, what you do to me is everything
Make me say anything just to get you back again
Why can we just try

Chorus:
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't wanna know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't wanna be lonely anymore

What if I was good to you, what if you were good to me
What if I could hold you till I feel you move inside of me
What if it was paradise, and what if we were symphonies
What if I gave all my life to find some way to stand beside you

Chorus:
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna have to pay for this
I don't wanna know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don't wanna be angry no more
But you know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don't wanna be lonely anymore

I don't wanna be lonely anymore
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I don't wanna be lonely no more
I know, I know
I don't wanna be lonely anymore

crazy gaga ridiculously crushing over

Rob Thomas, better known as the lead singer of Matchbox 20 and co-writer/singer of "Smooth" with Carlos Santana.

In IMDB, including pics of him with other celebrities and gorgeous wife Marisol
In Wikipedia
Official website

~*~*~*

Am missing a friend terribly; spent the better part of the past weekend taking in unhealthy doses of Matchbox 20. When that stopped working I purchased Rob Thomas's solo album "Something To Be" as well as "iTunes Originals - Rob Thomas" via iTunes, obviously.

The latter album is interspersed with soundbites of the when and how and why of the songs. He seems down-to-earth, with a kooky sense of humor and an innate poetic sense to him which I think is why he is so good at what he does. and His voice has a grrravelly sexiness; his songwriting is incredibly honest, insightful and heartfelt. And he dances in the "Lonely No More" vid. Swoon swoon swoon...

i had a blast today

At work I was one of only three people dressed up for Halloween. Kelly went as a witch, and Monique a prison inmate. Questions and comments today, the most common being something to the effect of "You look soooooooo cute!!!"

"Oh. My. God."
LOL!

"Wonder Woman! Where's Robin?"
Huh?

"Can you fly?"

"Where's your whip?"
Um, lasso.

"Wonder Woman, right?"
Me: "No."
"Oh."

"Save me! Save me!"

"Are you a cheerleader?"
WTH?

"I didn't dress up today because I knew I'd have to work...
Oh, btw, since you're Wonder Woman can you (make a bale)/(push carts)/(lift that pallet)?"

"Can you whirl around for me?"

Where do I go from here

Where Do I Go From Here lyrics
The Carpenters
Love Songs

Autumn days
Lying on a bed of leaves
Watching clouds up through the trees
You said our love was more than time
It's colder now
The trees are bare and nights are long
I can't get warm since you've been gone
I can't stop singin' sad songs

Chorus:
Where do I go from here?
Tell me where do I go from here?
You said you'd take me through the years
So where do I go from here?

Lovers' plans
Like fallin' leaves on windy days
Flutter past and they fly away
I thought I knew you oh so well

And I need you now
I need to feel you in the night
I need your smile so warm and bright
I wish my mind could let you go

Chorus:
Where do I go from here?
Tell me where do I go from here?
You said you'd take me through the years
So where do I go from here?

Chorus:
Where do I go from here?
Tell me where do I go from here?
You said you'd take me through the years
So where do I go from here?
You said you'd take me through the years
So where do I go from here?

T-Mobile "Secret Lovers" commercial

Via YouTube.

Bent

Bent lyrics
Matchbox 20
Mad Season

If I fall along the way
Pick me up and dust me off
And if I get too tired to make it
Be my breath so I can walk

If I need some other love then
Give me more than I can stand
And when my smile gets old and faded
Wait around I'll smile again

Shouldn't be so complicated
Just hold me and then
Just hold me again

Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together

Keep breakin' me in
And this is how we will end
With you and me bent

If I couldn't sleep could you sleep
Could you paint me better off
Could you sympathize with my needs
I know you think I need a lot

I started out clean but I'm jaded
Just phonin' it in
Just breakin' the skin

Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together

Keep breakin' me in
And this is how we will end
With you and me bent

Start bendin' me
It's never enough
Till I feel all your pieces

Start bendin' me
Keep bendin' me until I'm completely broken in

(Instrumental)

Shouldn't be so complicated
Just touch me and then
Just touch me again

Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together

Keep breakin' me in
And this is how we will end
With you and me bent
Without understanding

Can you help me I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together

Yeah, you're breakin' me in
And this is how we will end
With you and me bent

Matchbox Twenty lyrics

Yourself Or Someone Like You:
(as Matchbox 20)

Real World
(Long Day)
3 AM
(Push)
(Girl Like That)
(Back 2 Good)
(Damn)
(Argue)
Kody
(Busted)
(Shame)
(Hang)

~*~*~*

Mad Season:

(Angry)
(Black & White People)
(Crutch)
Last Beautiful Girl
If You're Gone
(Mad Season)
Rest Stop
(The Burn)
Bent
(Bed of Lies)
Leave
Stop
You Won't Be Mine
(You and I & I)
~*~*~*

More Than You Think You Are:

Feel
Disease
Bright Lights
Unwell
Cold
All I Need
Hand Me Down
Could I Be You
Downfall
Soul
You're So Real
The Difference

~*~*~*

Other:

(Suffer Me)
(Heavy)
(Tired)

A day in boots

A few days ago I tripped against a stack of two empty pallets, and acquired a lovely bruise on my ankle the size of a silver dollar. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my dress/skirt days, and so yesterday I decided to wear boots to cover up my multi-colored souvenir. This is how I normally plan my outfits: from the shoes up.

So Farah goes to work, in a sheer chocolate-brown jersey dress, black tights and knee high boots. This was also the first day I'd blown my hair out straight since I'd dyed it black over the weekend.

I got compliments and comments on everything from my hair to my skirt to my legs and boots. I felt fabulous, fun and flirty in my getup, which overall guys seemed to find sexy and girls thought was slutty. Generally speaking.

No one said it that way, of course. It's just that male coworkers who normally don't talk to me complimented me on my hair, noticed the change in haircolor, observed that boots are back in fashion (season, actually), and said I had pretty legs.

My so-called girlfriends on the other hand, smilingly teased me about my short hemline, the sheerness of my dress, and how my dress sense seems to have changed recently, as if I'm looking for a boyfriend.

Guys seem to think that a girl who looks hot feels that way too, and that it doesn't hurt to ask because the worst thing she can say is no.

Girls seem to resent a girl who gets that kind of attention, and no matter how nice they supposedly are, have no problem cutting you down with veiled insults. Even if they're you're fucking friends.

And when they step back and remember that it's same old you they're taking turns stabbing at, they are taken aback by some of the things they've said (because a Christian woman wouldn't do that, right?) and, chastened, add as an afterthought that "If you don't like what we say, you don't have to listen".

And if you don't like what I'm wearing, you don't have to look.

I'm told I'm sexier now, or dress that way. I don't feel it, no matter what people seem to think. Actually, I'm ten pounds heavier, and not in the right places. I am comfortable with my clothes, which are well within dress code, btw -- even the "short jersey dress, which hovers two inches above my knees. An oufit that's put together well does give a bit of a boost to one's day, though it's more a feeling like "I'm wearing new socks today" than anything else.

Today I wore a three-quarter length button-down shirt, slacks, and a frown. Though I value learning, I sometimes regret the things I learn about people. You think you know who your friends are, y'know?

my first-ever trip to the "sexy store"

The lone shopgirl in a black shirt and fuchsia hair was perky and personable. The selection was about what you'd expect, though the price points were surprisingly steep (hentai DVDs at $35 a pop!) Being the boring person I am, I left with ideas and "Romantic Massage Kit for Dummies" as my only purchase.

~*~*~*

Belated bachelorette party wishlist:


French Maid Costume, $58 at Frederick's of Hollywood

~*~*~*


Peekaboo Pole Dancing Kit, $119.99 at Peekaboo USA

~*~*~*


Rabbit Pearl, $82 at Babeland

~*~*~*


Sweet Candy Play Bunny in Black, $100 at Eros Boutique

~*~*~*

growing up, i yearned for my One True Love

I would sing "Someday My Prince Will Come"; ate up all the yearning, hopeful, waiting-for-my-White-Knight Disney movies; craned my neck for my kabiyak --my soulmate, the one who would make me whole. I treasured my innocence, my naivete, my youthful dreams, protective what I was sure was that certain je ne sais quoi that would draw him to me.

And then I fell in love. Just as promised in a hundred million fairy tales, romance novels, and Hollywood movies. And after that- absolutely nothing.

He was a pussy, and I was too naive. Which was for the best after all. For a long time afterwards I was angry, and anxious to do and experience all that I'd been avoiding. I hated that I'd been soooo ignorant and starry-eyed; I would grow myself. I would be tough enough to never get hurt.

I've since learned that I am responsible for my own happiness, that a life partner is someone to grow old with, not someone who completes you.

a woman's #1 mistake:

"If you really loved me, you'd..."

That's it. In a nutshell. We assume that love is the answer, and that The One will always know exactly how I am feeling, why I feel this way, and how to fix it. He will take the time to do everything in his power to make me happy. In fact, he will live for my happiness.

Conversely, someone who does not meet these criteria is therefore not The One, doesn't really love me, doesn't truly appreciate me in the way I deserve and therefore I am entitled to act out.

He's not a mind reader. He has no idea of the things you've "let slide". He believes exactly what you tell him: that everything's fine. Because he loves and trusts you.

favorite things

Prada Canvas & Leather Doctor Bag, $1,395.00 at Neiman Marcus



~*~*~*

Castañer Metallic Espadrilles, $89.90 from $225 at Saks Fifth Avenue



~*~*~*


Giorgio Armani Pleated Tote, $1495 at Nordstrom




~*~*~*

Chetta B Polka Dot Silk Dress, $182.90 from $306 at Saks Fifth Avenue



~*~*~*

Porsche Cayenne Turbo S, MSRP $111,660

bored to tears, literally

"He works hard to give her all he thinks she wants
But it tears her apart
'cause nothing's for her heart"

-Buy Me a Rose
Luther Vandross

my best friend went home for a month and a half and never came back

in her stead is someone else who looks a lot like her, but is not her.

She is older, somehow. Cutting, and dismissive. She is likely to liken me to a little girl, to regard troubled friends as childish, unmanly or frivolous with their time. I cannot talk to her about these things. Or, I choose not to.

She has outgrown my friendship, and I will let it pass.

friday, the thirteenth

"She's got a little bit of something
God, it's better than nothing
And in her color portrait world
she believes that she's got it all"

3 a.m.
Yourself Or Someone Like You
Matchbox 20

the rainclouds came back today

They've been hovering in the distance, but today they blocked out the sun.

I'm still...functional. I laugh, I joke, I hold up my end of conversations. But in the lulls and on my own I am quiet, pensive and almost brooding. I smile too quickly and brightly when observed thus.

Some things can't simply be talked out.
I am waiting
for something
to give.

~*~*~*

" feel like I'm disappearing - getting smaller every day
but when I open my mouth to sing - I'm bigger in every way"
Tunic (Song for Karen) - Sonic Youth

YouTube linx 4 u

South Park "Make Love, Not WarCraft" episode in 2 parts

Part 1
Part 2

Russell Peters on Canadian Comedy Central

Russell Peters is a Canadian-Indian comedian with a wicked wit and a knack for accents. Yes, I say this even though his so-called Chinese accent sounds Vietnamese. Though the country may be wrong, the accent is spot-on.

procrastination, Part I

or, How Farah found the perfect volunteer org for her

As you know, I've been bored and frustrated lately, most likely because I am so self-centered. The solution therefore is to focus on others, i.e., find some type of community outreach activity that would provide balance, allow me to use my talents to help others, and most importantly get me out of the house.

I don't consider ladling soup or retrieving empty water bottles particularly fulfilling.

I decided that the best recourse would be to rejoin Mensa, and then investigate what worthy causes the local chapter espouses. This would guarantee that least a modicum of brain activity would be involved.

I could simply email the national group back home, and ask that they forward my previous test results. But I don't care to remind them that I'm still alive. Besides, it would be interesting to know how I'd do this time around.

So I looked up testing information. Mensa Testing Day 2006 is on Saturday, Oct. 21st if you're interested. The fee is $30, and I believe the test takes 30 minutes.

North Texas Mensa hold testing sessions at the Reading & Radio Resource.

"Reading & Radio Resource (formerly North Texas Taping and Radio for the Blind) is a non-profit 501(c)(3) volunteer agency, dedicated since 1969 to providing alternatives to reading for children and adults who are visually or physically disabled and/or learning differenced."

It seems my search had come full circle.

LP links

These are for you.

Most unflattering picture of Mariah Carey that I've ever seen:



Circa Jan 2006. Via MariahDaily.com

~*~*~*

Tom Leykis links:

Wiki article

Official website, with a live feed click-through in upper left corner

The philosophy

~*~*~*

Comedy Central's South Park schedule

The episode is "Make Love, Not Warcraft" (1008)

Plus size lingerie websites

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

patrick likes my costume

First dress rehearsal today. He was sitting in front of the TV watching CSI when I stepped out of the bedroom, posed as if doing a jump jack, and cheered "Darna!"

He stared at me speechlessly, but couldn't seem to stop smiling. I had to ask. "What do you think, honey?"

He walked over and put his arms around me and gave me a kiss.

"There's...too much skin."

Ah.

I made four Kahlua White Russians

of which I had one and Patrick the other three. Yet he's fine and my head is throbbing. I don't think it's from the alcohol, though.

tonight's outing:

Orientation session at Reading & Radio Resource; followed by

our first-ever liquor store trip, which resulted in the purchase of


Jagermeister,


Kahlua, and


Stoli Razberi

You died on a Saturday.

I've been thinking about you a good deal lately, and apparently I'm not the only one. A lot of other people at work have been mentioning you, remembering things you said or did. We still miss you, Carlos. It's hard to believe it's been just a little over a year.

I'm sorry.

A year has passed and I still don't speak Spanish or drive myself to work. I'm still working at Wal-Mart, still a department manager, still out of school. We've moved out of the in-laws' house, though. I don't sing as much as I used to, though I dress better. You probably would have been teasing me that I might have a boyfriend on the side.

"Las Chicas", as you liked to call us, are still together, though slowly drifting apart. Would you be sad for us, or have seen it coming, or simply shrugged and commented on change as a natural part of life?

I'm not afraid of dying anymore.

Nowadays death seems friendlier somehow. I suppose as you get older and more of the people you've known have passed on, dying becomes little more than a rite of passage. It's just how you get to the next level. I imagine that when I am wrinkled and old, I will have known more dead people than living, and death will be a welcome reunion.

And though I miss you, I know that if I showed up on the other side today, you'd kick me right back out and tell me I've got a whole lot more living to do.

Till we meet again, Carlos.
We're missing you, and still thinking of you.