clarity

i ran out of advice today. At first, i thought something was wrong. I lost my earth-goddess mojo. Maybe I haven't been reading enough self-help books, I worried. Maybe i haven't been tapping into the spiritual well, or restocking it, or something.

Things have been chipping away at me, chipping away, just chipping. A workmate's husband left her. A friend is expecting a new granddaughter. Someone died, someone's husband left her, a business is being run into the ground and people are taking new jobs and leaving old ones and moving to new states and finally going back home and someone hates me and someone is so glad to see me again and someone is feeling neglected, overlooked, unappreciated and each new thing a drop in the bucket, a nail in my coffin it seems until it all became too much, just way too much and i stood apart from it all, a maelstrom with me at the center, stillness in the eye of the storm, sunlight pouring over me as the world spins crazily still.

And I realized, everything is happening all at once, all the time. You cannot comprehend it all, you cannot control it, and in reality, there are no answers. A workmate surprised me today, launching into a long pent-up tirade of her husband's faults and money troubles which i'd coaxed out of her and at the end of it all asking for my advice.

I had none to give. What a wondrous, jarring revelation.

In truth, I don't know anything about anything and god looking down, probably smiled to see me speak so knowingly for so long about things i know nothing about. Hubris. Ignorance and arrogance, born of my own assumption that a happy marriage = relationship success = being qualified to advise others on the subject.

I am well-aware that this new-found clarity will not last -- it is by nature ephemeral and too broad in scope for one small mind to embrace. We tend to get bogged down by the mundane. But for now, i am at peace and life is brilliant, exciting, and beautiful beyond words.