noblesse oblige

Previously, I've incorrectly attributed the following to Nelson Mandela:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

~Our Deepest Fear, by Marianne Williamson
from "A Return To Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles"

~*~*~*

I was clinging to the bins at work in a less-than-worksafe way trying to get to items that were just out of reach. And then he said it. "Don't fall, Farah. Some of us here admire you."

It's not the first time he's said it, or something similar. But it is the first time it occurred to me that he just might mean it. Something like this is usually a flag that it's time for me to go.
I am surprised and ashamed. Why me? I have done nothing to deserve admiration. In the world of me, where the hallmark of achievement is maximization of one's potential, I wear mediocrity the way a pretty girl wears extra pounds or unflattering clothes and no makeup: to keep herself out of the running.

I tell myself my greatest fear is of being judged and found wanting. But the times I've run away have been because I'd been judged and found worthy. Worthy of emulation.

I am no role model. Nor do I have one. It would be a lot easier if I did. No, don't look at me -- watch him. Or her.

I like to sing when I think no one's listening. Can no one watch so I can just live? I probably would have continued on to earn my silver badge. "A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them. And all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire." (LOTR)

I stayed but a year in nursing school, the school of my mother and uncle and multiple aunts. I would have been there three years and graduated, but one classmate, torn between staying and leaving said "Well, if this school's good enough for Farah..."

Paul Tillich has said, "Everyone has a calling. Everyone is called to fulfill a purpose. Man is asked to make of himself what he is supposed to become to fulfill his destiny." But the older I get I find that choice is illusory, and there really is just the one task. Life is too short not to do the things we are meant to do.

~*~*~*

I just realized that if I feel old it is becauze I am really 26 going on 46. The number to beat is still 172.