the God I believe in

Among my religious friends I am something of a heathen. Among the godless I am perhaps a bit pious. Where is the balance?

I consider myself a spiritual, non-religious person. I would be religious, were I to find a religion aligned with my own beliefs. But I don't seem to need religion to find God.

I have felt God in churches, yes. In ornate cathedrals peopled by cherubic stone angels and majestic sculptures. But so too have I found Presence in small chapels with plain pews of burnished wood, a strong tenor's voice filling the room and rising on sunbeams towards God.

I have never seen God. But I know when I am close. I would walk past quaint little houses, down a quiet street and over a guardrail to be with God, to sit on a craggy rock overlooking the Puget Sound, seagulls overhead, blue sea lapping at pebbled shore, reclaiming stranded starfish. The place is awash in light, and kissed by God.

Once in the midst of a writing contest, I tapped into something. I had been cramming all week, studying technique, expounding on various themes. The clock began to tick at the start of the event and I began writing furiously. In the midst of the first draft time seemed to slow, and it was as if a light had opened up and was pouring over me. My pen seemed lighter and I was writing (riding) on a higher plane. I could not tell you what I wrote; it was as if I was no longer writing, but being written through. The beacon of light was fixed on me and on this light was my direct dial, high-speed connection to God.

Once in a chess game in which I was plainly overmatched, I gained that same instant, preternatural clarity. My opponent was girl my own age naturally gifted at the game. I'd been studying for the past month, challenging anyone who knew how to play, reading any books I could find until chess notation began to scroll on the backs of my eyelids as I slept.

But when the game began my sight opened up, and on each piece I could see paths and possibilities extending several moves in advance: attacks, defenses, counters. The game ended in a draw, and I lost the match. Still, it was the most exhilarating chess I've played to date.

I guess you could say I believe in the Creator, in God as a creative force that forms, shapes and moves us and through us. He (She? It?) is an artist's God, who delights in quirky things like sunlight playing on the waves, "Shave and a Haircut, two bits", zebra stripes and rainbows.

There is an old monastic adage "Qui bene cantat bis orat": The one who sings well, prays twice. In a way, we've always known that the act of creating --whether by song, dance, food or birth -- is how we best serve and celebrate the Creator. Art is its own prayer, and creative work the most earnest worship.